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Politics December 12, 2018

Dutiful Michael Cohen Leaves Top Prison Bunk For Trump

As he starts his prison sentence, former Trump lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen says he hopes he can mend their fractured relationship once they meet again in the prison cell he now calls home. “Bad…

Politics December 11, 2018

Nation Overjoyed At Prospect Of Executive Branch Of Government Shutting Down

Speaking with Democratic Congressional leaders in the White House, President Trump has made it clear he is determined to shut down the Government if he does not get funding for his wall. Though normally the…

Business, Politics December 11, 2018

Trump To Outsource Chief Of Staff Position To India

(The White House) Saying there was a desperate shortfall of willing candidates within the United States, staffers today announced that President Trump has decided to outsource the upcoming Chief of Staff vacancy to India. “With…

Politics December 9, 2018

White House Busy Preparing For Departure Of Whoever Replaces John Kelly As Chief Of Staff

(The White House) President Trump’s staffers busied themselves today preparing for the departure of the replacement for General John Kelly, who is leaving his position as Chief of Staff at the end of the year,…

Politics, Uncategorized December 8, 2018

Trump Leaning Towards ‘Only A Glitch’ Robot From Robocop As Next Chief Of Staff

General Kelly is leaving the White House at the end of the year, meaning that speculation is turning to who might be his replacement, with Mike Pence’s current Chief of Staff in the running. But…

Politics December 8, 2018

John Kelly Requests Front-line Combat Posting To Unwind After White House Stint

With word that Chief of Staff General John Kelly will be out by the end of the year, speculation is growing not just about his replacement but what the Marine Corps General will do once…

Local, Sports, Steelers December 3, 2018

Pittsburgh Police Investigating Theft Of NFL Game On Sunday Night

(Heinz Field) Pittsburgh Police are investigating the brazen theft of an NFL game alleged to have occurred on Sunday night in the North Side part of the city. The audacious crime is said to have…

Politics December 1, 2018

George HW Bush Somehow Reanimates Himself Long Enough To Say Trump Not Welcome At Funeral

As the nation pays its respects to George Herbert Walker Bush, stories are circulating that the former WWII Navy pilot and 41st President briefly came back to life with a last minute request he forget…

Holidays, Politics November 26, 2018

Melania Says Don’t Judge My Xmas Décor Until Goat Heads And Pentacles Are Added

(The White House) First Lady Melania Trump has described rampant criticism of this year’s Christmas décor as wildly premature and unfair as she has not even finished it yet. “Once the dead goat heads and…

Holidays November 22, 2018

Gigantic Immigrant Caravan Gives Thanks For Its Continued Success

An enormous immigrant caravan held celebrations across the United States today to give thanks for the good fortune it has enjoyed since arriving here without valid visas hundreds of years ago. Though fairly small to…

Gun Control, Health November 21, 2018

National Lettuce Association Warns Doctors Who Say E.Coli Causes Illness To “Stay In Your Lane”

Following warnings by health officials to avoid romaine lettuce due to fears of E.coli contamination, the National Lettuce Association (NLA) pushed back today saying they had overstepped their bounds. “How about you stay in your…

Bigotry, Holidays November 21, 2018

Local Family Dreading Having Altruistic Uncle Over For Thanksgiving

(Greene County, PA) On this Thanksgiving eve, a local family is yet again facing a once-a-year ritual that they feel they must endure in the name of kinship. “It’s our uncle – we love him…

Law & Order, Politics November 20, 2018

Hillary Says Ivanka Is Welcome To The Top Bunk In Their Prison Cell

Hillary Clinton was in a generous mood today as she offered Presidential First Daughter Ivanka Trump the top bunk bed when they are both incarcerated for using private email accounts to conduct government business. “She’s…

Politics November 19, 2018

Huge Immigrant Caravan Feared Lost After Vanishing Into Thin Air

Fears are growing that an enormous crowd of immigrants hoping for new lives in the United States are dead, after they seemingly vanished into thin air in the aftermath of the midterm elections. “One minute…

Politics November 13, 2018

Trump Supporter Willing To Put Differences Aside And Let Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Stay With Him

(Washington, DC) Saying some things are more important that partisan politics, a Trump supporter who is a D.C. resident said today he would be happy to let newly elected Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stay with him….

Politics November 13, 2018

Melania Asks CNN’s Jim Acosta For Tips On Getting Banished By The President

CNN thought they were being trolled today when a call came in from the White House requesting to speak to Jim Acosta. But it turned out to be Melania Trump who was trying to get…

Politics November 13, 2018

Macron Hits Back At Trump “USA was speaking English before u came along”

French Premier Emmanuel Macron has hit back at President Trump after the US leader tweeted that they were learning to speak German in Paris before the Yanks came along. “The United States of America was…

Politics, World November 11, 2018

Insecure Employee Delighted To Get Thumbs Up From Fearsome Boss

On a day when regrets of war filled the news, a heartwarming story has emerged concerning an insecure employee who was worried about meeting with his boss, only to learn he was doing a good…

World November 11, 2018

War To End All Wars To Celebrate Centenary By Adopting Less Stupid Nickname

As moments of silence and solemnity were held in numerous countries today, WWI or the First World War announced that is doing away with what it calls its stupid nickname, ‘The War To End All…

Politics, Weather November 11, 2018

Rain Commemorates Fallen Droplets That Defeated Trump Earlier Today

(Belleau Wood, France, 11th November 2018) All was solemn in the Republic of France today as gentle rainfall everywhere marked the six hour anniversary of the victory over President Trump earlier in the day. “This…

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