Breaking Burgh - A satirical blog serving Western Pennsylvania and beyond

Arts & Entertainment, God Stuff, Sex May 24, 2018

God Distances Himself From Longtime Collaborator Morgan Freeman

In an effort to get ahead of the damaging story enveloping him, God has released a statement regarding his frequent portrayer Morgan Freeman, who stands accused of improper behavior by a number of women. “Despite…

Politics, World May 24, 2018

North Korea Releases Coin To Commemorate Failed Nuclear Summit

(Pyongyang, DPRK) After already being spoiled by the premature release of a coin to celebrate the now cancelled nuclear summit between the USA and North Korea, numismatists were given a further treat today with the…

Politics, World May 24, 2018

President Trump Awarded Nobel Prize For Gullibility

(Stockholm, Sweden) In a surprise announcement, the Nobel Committee has revealed it has awarded President Donald J. Trump the Nobel Prize for Gullibility, which it said was decided the moment the US-North Korea summit between…

Politics May 24, 2018

Jared Kushner Receives Full Security Clearance And First Pair Of Big Boy Pants

Senior White House adviser Jared Kushner has received his permanent security clearance, ending a long period of uncertainty over his status. Kushner was said to be happy about it, though the good news was overshadowed…

Politics, Sports, Steelers May 23, 2018

NFL Placekick Holders To Perform Their Role Standing Up From Now On

With the ruling that there will be fines for kneeling from now on, the NFL’s placekick holders have announced they are going to change their style of play for the coming season. “We don’t want…

Politics May 21, 2018

Gina Haspel Digs Out Favorite Waterboard To Bring To New Job As CIA Director

After being sworn in as the new CIA Director, Gina Haspel said it was a great honor to be in charge of the intelligence agency, and she couldn’t wait to get down to business. “I…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics, Science, TV May 21, 2018

Obama Netflix Deal Proof Our Universe Is A Black Mirror Episode Say Physicists

The world’s leading physicists today announced that reality does not exist after all, and the observed universe we appear to inhabit and experience is in fact a Black Mirror episode playing out in a higher…

Bigotry, Transport, Travel April 19, 2018

United Announces One-Day Shutdown To Train Staff Not To Discriminate Against People Of Color, White People, Children, Dogs, Other Animals

Those traveling on United Airlines should check the dates of their flights, as the company announced today it will have a one-day shutdown at the end of the month to train staff not to discriminate…

Law & Order, Local, Politics April 18, 2018

Local Police Force Makes Itself Focus Of Entire Nation Because Humpday

(Pittsburgh, PA) Saying Wednesday afternoons are a real drag during which it’s hard to stay awake, the Pittsburgh Police Department (PPD) admitted today to leaking riot plans in the event of President Trump firing Robert…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics, TV April 16, 2018

Fox News Requests Sponsors Be Clear Which Show(s) They’re Pulling Ads From

The advertising department of Fox News has requested that its sponsors be very clear during their angry phone calls which of its shows they are pulling ads from, as it’s getting hard to keep track….

Bigotry, Business April 16, 2018

Same Two Black Men Arrested Again While Waiting To Meet CEO Kevin Johnson At Another Starbucks

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson had said he wanted to meet the two African-American men at the center of the controversy enveloping his company to personally apologize. A meeting at another local area Starbucks was set…

Law & Order, Politics April 16, 2018

Michael Cohen Named Most Generous Lawyer In The History Of Jurisprudence

The American Bar Association has awarded Michael Cohen the esteemed title of America’s Most Generous Lawyer, after it emerged today that he also had Sean Hannity as a client, but never required that he paid…

Bigotry, Business, Food April 15, 2018

Starbucks Promises Not To Have Black Customers Waiting For White Friends Arrested In Future

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson has apologized for an incident in one of his Philadelphia stores where two African-American men waiting for their friend before ordering were arrested after the police were called. “In hindsight it’s…

Business, Politics April 15, 2018

Putin To Launch Missile Strike On Chemical Weapons Infrastructure In Flint, Michigan

Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced he has ordered his air force and the Baltic fleet to make preparations to attack a vile network of chemical weapons plants located in Flint, MI, in the United…

Politics April 14, 2018

President Trump Declares His Missile Strike Best In All Of History

President Trump has declared his latest missile strike on the Syrian regime of Bashar al-Assad a success, even going so far as to declare it the best missile strike in history. “Nobody strikes with a…

Law & Order, Politics April 14, 2018

Robert Mueller Places Order For Giant ‘Mission Accomplished’ Banner

A sign and banner store in the Washington DC area had a little excitement today when former FBI director and Special Counsel Robert Mueller stopped in to place an order. Owner Daisey Ferrente said they…

Business, Election2016, Politics, World April 13, 2018

Trump Organization Wins Lucrative Contract To Rebuild Syrian Airport

Donald Trump Jr, eldest son of the President and trustee of his business empire, has announced that the Trump Organization has won a lucrative contract to refurbish an airport in the Middle East. He was…

Politics April 13, 2018

Errant Missile Launched At Syria Accidentally Strikes James Comey Book Signing Instead

In an embarrassing mistake for the US military, one of the missiles launched against Syria has gone off course, hitting a Barnes & Noble that was due to host James Comey shortly. “Fortunately no-one was…

Politics, World April 13, 2018

President Trump Announces Mike Pence Has Been Launched Against Syria In Retaliation For Chemical Attacks

President Trump has followed through on his pledge to issue a robust response to the lastest use of chemical weapons in Syria, in a dramatic speech to the press this evening. Suspicions that a missile…

Politics April 13, 2018

Paul Ryan Furious He’s Not Getting An NRA Pension “But I Worked For Them For Years!”

Paul Ryan’s retirement is getting off to a rocky start, after the Republican Congressman learned he is not receiving a generous pension from the NRA like he expected. Ryan said he assumed he was getting…

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