Breaking Burgh - A satirical blog serving Western Pennsylvania and beyond

God Stuff, Law & Order, Local August 15, 2018

Catholic Church Overjoyed To Learn Most Pennsylvania Priests Aren’t Pedophiles

When reporters contacted church leaders about the recently released Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into sexual abuse by priests they expected to find them utterly despondent, but the reality today was quite the opposite. “Only 300?…

Critters, Politics, Uncategorized August 15, 2018

President Trump Gets Emotional Support Nazi To Help Ease The Pressures Of Office

There’s a new face running through the corridors these days at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, as President Trump finally relented and gave in to a longstanding White House tradition of having a Presidential pet. “He’s already…

Politics August 15, 2018

Sarah Sanders Schedules 10,000 Hour Press Conference To Correct Inaccurate Claims

Following her admission that she incorrectly stated black unemployment figures, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders has committed herself to correcting all her other untruths in a 10,000 hour press conference to begin at noon…

Bigotry, Politics, World August 14, 2018

Trump Admits He May Have Mispronounced The Name Of A West African Nation By Mistake

President Trump sought today to deflect the growing controversy arising from a tell-all book by former confident Omarosa, in particular the accusation that he used a vile racial epithet. “It’s possible I may have once…

God Stuff, Local August 14, 2018

God Announces Completion Of Sale Of The Catholic Church To The Devil

In a double whammy for Catholics in the wake of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into priest sexual abuse, God today announced he has finalized the sale of the two-thousand-year-old religion to the Devil. “This…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics August 13, 2018

Stephen Miller To Play Himself In Remake Of “The Omen”

In great news for fans of quality horror, the classic film “The Omen” is to be remade, with the Antichrist, Stephen Miller, agreeing to play himself for the first time. Though Miller is highly valued…

Politics August 13, 2018

White House Postpones Presidential Visit To Saint Kitts After Trump Mispronounces Nepal as ‘Nipple’

The White House is reported to be desperately shuffling the calendar today, following President Trump’s mispronouncing of the country Nepal as ‘nipple’ while preparing for talks with the Prime Minister of India. “We need to…

Politics August 13, 2018

Federal Workforce Down From 10 Million To 9 After All Employees Critical Of Trump Are Fired

Following the firing of FBI Special Agent Peter Strzok for sending texts that disparaged President Trump, all Federal employees who have been critical of the President or think he’s an idiot have now been let…

Politics, Sports August 12, 2018

NHL Upset It Hasn’t Been The Subject Of A Presidential Twitter Rant “It’s because we’re white, isn’t it?”

The NHL is feeling like the forgotten sport yet again today, after realizing it’s the only professional league not to have been attacked on twitter by the President – whose most recent targets are LeBron…

Politics, Science August 11, 2018

Pentagon Offers Trump Overfly Of Thousands Of Invisible F-35 Jets Instead Of Parade

The struggling F-35 stealth fighter has a powerful ally in President Trump now, who is greatly impressed by the aircraft because, as he has explained numerous times, they are actually invisible and not just impervious…

Local, Sports, Steelers August 11, 2018

Bill Belichick Unimpressed By Steelers “You don’t cheat during the preseason!”

The Steelers deflategate controversy, in which an underinflated football was used during the preseason match-up with the Eagles, has blown over and is not expected to have any effect on the forthcoming campaign. One person…

Politics August 10, 2018

Vladimir Putin Hoping For Gains In Both House And Senate This November

Asked today about his thoughts on the upcoming midterm elections in November, Vladimir Putin expressed confidence that his party would gain seats in both chambers of Congress. “There had better be given all the resources…

Politics, Uncategorized August 9, 2018

North Korea Releases Coin To Commemorate Historic Nuclear Summit

(Pyongyang, DPRK) After already being spoiled by the premature release of a coin by President Trump to celebrate the nuclear summit between the USA and North Korea before it was clear it would happen, numismatists…

Politics, Science August 8, 2018

Fears Grow Aliens May Attack Tonight In Advance Of Space Force Announcement

With Vice-President Mike Pence set to announce the details of President Trump’s Space Force at the Pentagon tomorrow, military experts expressed concerns that tonight could see a devastating ‘Pearl-Harbor-style’ attack launched upon the Earth. “Now…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics August 7, 2018

Rosie O’Donnell, Obama, The Paris Accord All Awarded Hollywood Walk Of Fame Stars

(Los Angeles, CA) West Hollywood Council was busy today even after it passed a resolution to permanently remove Donald Trump’s Walk of Fame star. In a separate motion which was easily approved, Walk of Fame…

Politics August 7, 2018

Boy Genius Finally Realizes Trump Meant ‘Boy Scout’ As An Insult

Speaking with the New York Times, Speaker Paul Ryan has revealed he has concluded that President Trump was insulting him when referring to him as a ‘Boy Scout’. “I thought it was a compliment.” But…

Local August 6, 2018

South Side Doesn’t Smell Like Vomit For First Time In Decades

(Pittsburgh, PA) For the first time in living memory for those not in the AARP, the city’s South Side neighborhood reportedly didn’t smell of vomit today, which is something many residents never thought would come…

Politics, Sports, Uncategorized August 6, 2018

LeBron James Offers President Trump Free Place In His Elementary School

LeBron James sought to put an end to his feud with President Trump today with a generous offer to save a place for him in the elementary school he is starting in Akron, OH. “I’ve…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics, World August 5, 2018

Trump Responds To Steven Seagal Appointment By Making Gary Busey Secretary Of State

President Trump has wasted no time responding to Vladimir Putin’s appointment of Steven Seagal, who is a Russian citizen, as Special Envoy to handle US-Russia relations. “It is my pleasure to announce that I am…

Law & Order, Politics, Science, World August 5, 2018

Rosenbergs Kicking Themselves For Being Born 70 Years Too Soon

Speaking from beyond the grave, executed spies Julius and Ethel Rosenberg expressed their frustration at having been active agents for Russian interests during a time when, unlike now, it was actively frowned upon. “Talk about…

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