Authorities are preparing for the possible release of the entire federal prison population based on a legal challenge filed today. The case, Everyone Convicted Of A Crime v. Attorney General Bill Barr, argues that based…
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There was some welcome news out of Paris today, with word that Notre Dame’s bee population survived the terrible fire there. “We’re fine, and we expect a hive upgrade.” Feeling this was their big chance…
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders expressed her puzzlement today over widespread anger about her comments that FBI agents disliked former director James Comey. The uproar began when the Mueller Report revealed that they had…
With time his hands now that the Mueller Report has been released, Attorney General Bill Barr today signed a contract to be the next spokesperson for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! “It’s always been…
Bernie Sanders today tried to explain why he is suddenly a millionaire to his many youthful supporters, many of whom he blames for the development. “Everything I own seems to have miraculously increased in value!”…
The research and development division at the company that makes Doritos is buzzing after one of their resident food scientists had what is being described at the ‘mother of all Eureka moments’ during a discussion…
Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell has announced his re-election campaign, which he says will start in earnest after a short vacation at the beach for his annual mating ritual. “Though the mating season runs from…
A delegation of penguins has officially requested that Pittsburgh’s NHL team change its name following a playoff loss in straight games to the New York Islanders. “You’ve been the penguins for so long. Maybe it’s…
With a redacted version of the full Mueller Report about to be released, President Trump today complained that he hadn’t even managed to digest Attorney General Bill Barr’s four page summary of the report that…
The White House has confirmed that Robert James Ritchie, aka Kid Rock, will be presented with the Presidential Medal of Freedom in addition to Tiger Woods as was announced previously. “The President will be pleased…
President Trump has said he is now more than willing to release his tax returns, but can’t because of a terrible tragedy. “Unfortunately the only copies of my tax returns were kept in a French…
Saying his heart was with the Fighting Irish, President Trump has demanded an immediate investigation in how one of the nation’s finest college football programs could have burned to the ground. “I have put everything…
As its eight season gets underway, fans of Games Of Thrones are accusing the show of ‘jumping the shark’ after a band of traveling troubadours from Yi Ti were introduced who were obviously the K-Pop…
Vice President Mike Pence has thanked his staff for their service, saying he no longer needed their services now that the Apocalypse was upon us. “Some of you I may seen again soon, and to…
President Trump has indicated he considered nominating his daughter, Ivanka, to lead the World Bank because she is ‘very good with numbers’. However Ivanka’s appointment to head the World Bank was complicated by late emergence…
President Trump has denied knowing anything about Wikileaks despite praising the organization led by Julian Assange during the 2016 election. “I have no idea what this Wikileaks or this Ecuador is.” Critics say this is…
With Julian Assange under arrest, former pet Embassy Cat has reportedly signed a multi-million dollar book deal covering the years he spent with the WikiLeaks founder. As the only mammal in the room with Assange…
(London, UK) The Embassy of Ecuador in central London is breathing a sigh of relief today after what it described as a seven year Airbnb nightmare. “You just don’t know who you’re going to get.”…
Saying that it totally backed up his four page summary, Attorney General Bill Barr today released the Mueller report in full with only some necessary light redaction performed. He said the delay had been due…
Following her resignation as the Secretary for Homeland Security, Kirstjen Nielsen opened up today about the pain of bidding farewell to her DHS family. “I feel like I’ve just been ripped away from them.” Nielsen…