Breaking Burgh - A satirical blog serving Western Pennsylvania and beyond

Health July 22, 2017

State Of New Jersey Raises Smoking Age To 21 Months

Republican Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill raising the minimum age to buy tobacco products in the state of New Jersey to 21 months, up from the previous threshold of 19 months. The move,…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics, TV July 22, 2017

Sean Spicer Sends Demo Reel To Lorne Michaels Seeking SNL Cast Member Audition

The question of what former Press Secretary Sean Spicer wants to do now that he has resigned his post appears to have an answer today, as news leaked of a demo reel he made arriving…

Politics, Technology July 21, 2017

Trump Replaces Press Secretary Sean Spicer With Giant Twitter Feed

Sean Spicer’s rocky tenure as White House press secretary finally came to an end today when he resigned in protest at the President’s appointment of New York financier Anthony Scaramucci as communications director. Though Trump asked…

Arts & Entertainment, Law & Order, Politics, Sports July 20, 2017

Trump To Replace Current Attorney General Jeff Sessions With O.J. Simpson In October

O.J. Simpson is to be released from prison in October after serving nine years for armed robbery, following a parole hearing. Asked what he will do when he is free again, the former NFL star…

Health, Politics, Science July 20, 2017

John McCain’s Cancer Devastated To Learn He Has Excellent Medical Insurance

People of all political stripes were saddened this week to learn that Arizona Senator John McCain has brain cancer, following reports that he has already undergone surgery to remove a mass that was causing problems….

Politics, Technology, Travel, Yinzer July 20, 2017

Trump Administration Ends Travel Ban On Muslim Laptops Seeking To Enter U.S.

The Trump administration’s travel ban on laptops on flights originating in the Middle East seeking to enter the country has been ended. However critics of the President’s immigration policies say this is not nearly enough….

Election2016, Politics July 19, 2017

Twelve-Person Election Fraud Panel Votes 20-0 To Continue Investigation

At its first public meeting, President Trump’s invite-only twelve-person commission on voter fraud has decided 20 to 0 to continue its investigation of voter fraud in the 2016 election. Formed by Trump in light of…

Law & Order, Technology July 19, 2017

Apple Patents New Way To Get Shot By Police Using Just Your Fingerprint

Apple (AAPL) has filed a patent for a sophisticated new technology that enables people to secretly call police simply by touching their iPhone screen in a certain way. Based on fingerprint and gesture recognition, this…

Local, Technology, Transport, Yinzer July 19, 2017

Google Maps Updates Pittsburgh Directions Algorithm To Use More Defunct Landmarks

(Bakery Sq, Pittsburgh, PA) Google Maps have announced a complete revision of their algorithm for producing directions that will apply specifically to the Pittsburgh area. This is reportedly a direct result of feedback received through…

Law & Order July 19, 2017

Concerned Citizen Who Called 911 Not Shot By Police

Senior Police officials are apologizing today after it emerged that a concerned citizen who called for their assistance is still in fact alive and well. “The public has certain expectations of law enforcement when they…

Politics July 18, 2017

Trump Presidency Finally Arrives At Defining Philosophy Of Letting Things Fail

After a rocky start to his administration during which people questioned if he would ever develop a political outlook to define his Presidency, Donald Trump finally nailed it today when he said he planned to…

Politics, Science, Weather July 18, 2017

Environmentalists Urge Trump To Think Of Future Generations And Iggy Pop

Supporters of the Paris Accord to mitigate climate change are taking a different tactic in an effort to overcome President Trump’s declared opposition to the landmark agreement. Taking note of French President Macron’s approach of…

Law & Order, Politics, World July 16, 2017

Mexico Announces Completion Of Transparent Border Wall

Hot on the heels of President Trump’s innovation to make his wall transparent – so people will not be struck without warning by bags of drugs thrown from the other side – Mexican President Enrique…

Politics, Transport, World July 15, 2017

Trump Demands Japan Allow Amelia Earhart To Fly Herself Back To The United States

After returning from his second trip to Europe in as many weeks, President Trump was finally briefed on dubious photographic evidence suggesting famed aviator Amelia Earhart might have survived her final flight and been taken…

Arts & Entertainment, Music, Science July 15, 2017

Tardigrade and Keith Richards Tie For Most Indestructable Creature Say Scientists

Scientists at Oxford University have determined what the last creatures on earth will be before the Sun engulfs it, when it will be so inhospitable that almost all forms of life will have long ceased…

Parenting, Politics, World July 14, 2017

Trump Yells “Again! Again!” After Bastille Day Parade Comes To An End

In an unusual development at the Bastille Day Parade in Paris, visiting American President Donald Trump started yelling “Again! Again!” once the display of military prowess concluded. It quickly became apparent Trump was sincere in…

Parenting, Politics July 12, 2017

Controversy Involving President’s Child Overshadowed By Controversy Involving Child Of President

Last week saw media outlets erupt with images of Ivanka Trump, eldest daughter of U.S President Donald Trump, representing her father at a G20 meeting. While delegations are allowed to have alternates represent their leader…

Health, Politics July 10, 2017

Trump Diagnosed With Exhaustion And Prescribed 3 1/2 Years Bedrest

Following his return from the G20 meeting during which he often appeared distracted, doctors have diagnosed President Trump with clinical exhaustion and prescribed total bedrest without interruption. “For not a day less than 3 and…

Arts & Entertainment, Music, Society July 8, 2017

Singer Beck Sues Hipster Movement For Trademark Infringement

(Williamsburg, NYC) The eclectic musician Beck (full name Beck Hansen) has filed a lawsuit in Federal court charging the hipster movement with trademark infringement and withholding of royalties over a period of more than a…

Politics, World July 7, 2017

Putin Presents Trump With Gift Of Journalist To Execute

(Hamburg, Germany) The long anticipated meeting of U.S. President Donald Trump and Russian Premier Vladimir Putin has taken place in Germany, with smiles all around. Both men appeared to enjoy each others company, and Trump…

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