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Politics, Technology, World October 21, 2018

Aging Pershing II Missile Excited To Get Second Chance at Nuclear Detonation

An inert Pershing II missile at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum is cheering the impending U.S. withdrawal from the INF treaty signed by Ronald Reagan and Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev in 1987 to rid…

God Stuff, Science October 20, 2018

Physicists To Bombard Christ With Anti-Christ In Large Hadron Collider

Describing it as the most exciting experiment since the discovery of the Higgs boson, physicists today announced they will be using the Large Hadron Collider at CERN to bombard Christ with the Anti-Christ. “Ever since…

Gun Control, Law & Order, Politics October 20, 2018

US Law Enforcement Unimpressed By Saudi Explanation “You simply say he reached for his waistband”

President Trump has indicated he finds the Saudi explanation for the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi credible. But far less impressed are local law enforcement departments across the United States, where the Crown Prince’s account…

Law & Order, Politics, World October 19, 2018

Saudis Reveal Death Of Journalist Was Just A Body Slam Gone Wrong

The Government of Saudi Arabia has abruptly changed its story about the disappearance of U.S. resident and Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, confirming that his death was their responsibility after all. “He had been causing…

Law & Order, Politics, World October 18, 2018

Trump Says Saudis Killing White House Press Corps Deserve Presumption Of Innocence

President Trump has called for people not to rush to judgement after his press conference was interrupted by a Saudi delegation that dismembered and beheaded a significant fraction of the White House press corps. “Just…

Politics, Science October 17, 2018

NASA Contacts White House For President’s Instinct On Optimal Frequencies For Two-Photon Laser Printing Of Nanostructures

The scientific community is celebrating today as it became aware of a powerful new resource, President Trump’s gut instinct, that it plans to exploit as much as possible from now on. NASA led the charge…

Law & Order, Politics October 17, 2018

Mitch McConnell’s Body Found Under Pile Of Walkers After Threatening Social Security

A day after threatening to raid Social Security to pay for the deficit run up by tax cuts for the rich, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell’s battered body has been found under a large pile…

Critters, Politics October 16, 2018

Mitch McConnell Unhappy With Trump’s Use Of Animal Insult “No Good Can Come Of This”

Though normally an enthusiast for President Trump’s rough-and-tumble tactics, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell urged caution and restraint today on learning that Trump had referred to Stormy Daniels as ‘horseface’. “No good can come of…

Politics, Science October 16, 2018

Elizabeth Warren Horrified To Discover Her DNA Is 2% Trump

Elizabeth Warren is still recovering today after a DNA test she took to establish her Native American heritage revealed some shocking news she never expected. “It appears the Senator has 2% Trump DNA. Please give…

Politics October 15, 2018

Trump Says Former Presidents Told Him He Was Doing A ‘Great Job’ When They Posed For Painting

Trump has dismissed criticisms of his choice to hang an Andy Thomas painting of all the GOP Presidents in the White House, saying such a momentous gathering deserves to be honored. “What a great day…

Politics October 15, 2018

Security Briefings Directed At Trump In Andy Thomas Painting Going Much Better Says CIA

Following the revelation on 60 Minutes that President Trump has a fantasy political painting by Andy Thomas of himself with other Republican presidents hanging in the White House, there have been calls for its removal….

Critters, Transport, Travel October 13, 2018

Emotional Support Squirrel Banned From Frontier Flight Describes Airline’s Policy As ‘Nuts’

The emotional support squirrel who was banned from a Frontier airlines flight has spoken up about the way he and his human were treated. “She needed me on that flight. Frontier’s policies are frankly nuts.”…

Politics October 11, 2018

Trump To Make Saudis Give Him Step-By-Step Explanation Of How They Successfully Murdered Troublesome Journalist

President Trump has reversed his earlier position of not pressuring the Saudi government to explain the disappearance of thorn-in-their-side journalist Jamal Khashoggi, and says he will use his substantial leverage to gets answers after all….

Arts & Entertainment, Business October 11, 2018

Latest Buyer Of Banksy Artwork Furious It Hasn’t Exploded Yet

A wealthy art collector from Europe is reportedly livid that nothing notable has happened to the Banksy artwork he now owns since completing a purchase for 3.2 million euros at a Paris auctioneer yesterday. “It’s…

Politics October 11, 2018

Millions Report Strange Fleeting Sensation Of Trump Seeming Comparatively Normal

(The White House) Critics of President Trump are swapping stories of a unusual feeling that maybe he was not so crazy after all that came over them today. “For a few minutes – around lunchtime…

Law & Order, Politics October 9, 2018

Justice Kavanaugh Celebrates First Day On Supreme Court By Raising 28 Glasses

After an uneventful first day on the US Supreme Court, Justice Brett Kavanaugh celebrated today with those that he loves most in the world, a selection of high quality craft beers. “To all those who…

Law & Order, Politics October 9, 2018

Buoyant President Promises To Get Suspected Murderer On The Supreme Court Next Time

After thoroughly enjoying the elevation of accused attempted rapist Brett Kavanaugh to the bench, President Trump today said he wanted it to be more of a challenge next time. “That was too easy. I’d only…

Critters, Science October 9, 2018

Cockroaches Say UN Climate Change Report ‘Nothing To Worry About’

Reports of the catastrophic consequences of ignoring climate change were dismissed today by the planet’s cockroach population as unnecessary fear-mongering by scientists working on behalf of the United Nations. “So the temperature rises by a…

Science, Weather, World October 8, 2018

United Nations Thoughtlessly Ruins Phrase “It’s not the end of the world”

The United Nations is facing criticism today for releasing a report that warns of catastrophic changes within a generation without considering the implications for users of the phrase “It’s not the end of the world”….

Law & Order, Politics October 7, 2018

Susan Collins Made Honorary Straight White Male By Republican Leadership

Senate Leader Mitch McConnell announced today that he was conferring upon Senator Susan Collins the highest honor he knew, that of honorary straight while male. “Today you join an elite club, and all you must…

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