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Politics September 24, 2018

Trump Produces Calenders Proving He Did Not Collude With Russia

Saying it was now time to put Robert Mueller’s investigation to rest, President Trump today produced a set of calenders proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did not collude with Russia in…

Law & Order, Politics, Uncategorized September 24, 2018

Second Senate Judiciary Committee Formed To Deal With Volume Of Accusations Against Kavanaugh

No sooner had Republicans in charge of the Senate Judiciary Committee agreed terms to hear from embattled SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, a second accuser from his university days…

Sports, Steelers, Uncategorized September 24, 2018

Tomlin To Coach Game In Ejector Seat To Hasten Dismissal If Steelers Lose

Saying he wasn’t happy about it but he’ll go along with the Rooneys’ wishes, Mike Tomlin has agreed to coach tonight’s game against Tampa Bay from an ejector chair on the sidelines. “I guess this…

Law & Order, Politics September 24, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh’s Penis Promises To Be Completely Forthcoming During Hearing

Though Judge Kavanaugh himself has yet to comment publicly on the matter of the upcoming hearings regarded accusations of sexual assault, his penis said today that it was looking forward to a free and open…

Arts & Entertainment, Politics September 23, 2018

Poll Reveals The Rock – Or A Rock – Could Defeat Trump In 2020

Box office titan and all-around nice guy Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, has reportedly ruled out running for the White House in 2020, though he has expressed a desire to get into politics and maybe…

Politics September 22, 2018

Trump Frustrated By Ongoing Kavanaugh Controversy “Why Hasn’t She Been Paid Off Yet?”

Under pressure, Senator Charles Grassley has granted an extension to Brett Kavanaugh accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, to negotiate the terms of her appearance to discuss her charge that he attempted to rape her in…

Politics, Science, Weather September 20, 2018

President Trump Solves Long-Standing Scientific Puzzle Of What Makes Things Wet

Whereas scientists and meteorologists have long warned people of the risk of getting wet during hurricanes and floods, they never before specified the liquid responsible. “Because we didn’t know.” But all that has changed now…

Politics, Uncategorized, Weather September 19, 2018

More Weather Woes For North Carolina As Dangerous Mass Of Hot Air Makes Landfall

(Wilmington, NC) As if the damage caused by Hurricane Florence wasn’t bad enough, North Carolina was subjected to more misery today as what is being described by meteorologists as a very unpleasant and dangerous formation…

Food, Politics September 18, 2018

Grocery Stores At A Loss To Explain Plummeting Mushroom Sales

The nation’s leading grocery chains expressed utter confusion today at plummeting sales of mushrooms that are being left to rot on store shelves. “Why does nobody like them anymore?” Though preferences in vegetables are known…

Politics, Sex September 18, 2018

President Asks To See Copy Of Stormy Daniels Book With All The Words Taken Out

(The White House) With the sensational memoir by Stormy Daniel already shipping advanced copies, President Trump insisted today a copy be obtained for him. Staffers feared the contents would infuriate the notoriously bad-tempered Trump but…

Local, Transport, Uncategorized September 18, 2018

PENNDOT Announces Liberty Bridge Is Ready For Its Next Disaster

(Pittsburgh, PA) In great news for commuters, at least for a day or so, the Liberty Bridge is now open connecting the heart of the city to its most salubrious suburbs. The bridge had been…

Food, Law & Order September 17, 2018

Police Officer Kills Restaurant Worker Who Approached Him With Knife And Fork

A policeman who shot a restaurant worker fifteen times has been cleared of any wrongdoing, after a jury found him not guilty of any crime because he was in fear of his life. Witnesses testified…

Uncategorized September 17, 2018

White House Dismisses Allegations Against Kavanaugh As Locker Room Rape

The White House weighed in on the growing Brett Kavanaugh controversy today, stating their position that their Supreme Court nominee has nothing to apologize for. “We believe this to be a case of locker room…

Politics, Technology September 16, 2018

Nation Relieved It Has Leader Who Would Never Abuse New Presidential Alert System

Creators of FEMA’s new Presidential Alert System, which lets the White House send text messages to practically every phone in the United States without the option to opt out, expressed relief today that it will…

Law & Order, Politics, Sports September 15, 2018

Mueller Convinces Golf Course To Wear A Wire In Huge Blow For Trump

In an already bad week for President Trump, the pressure grew even more intense today as it emerged that Robert Mueller has someone on extremely intimate terms with the embattled Commander in Chief working for…

Politics, Science, Weather September 15, 2018

NC Lawmakers Who Banned Studies Of Rising Sea Levels Encouraged To Lie Down On Ground

As Hurricane Florence continues to cause havoc throughout North and South Carolina, there have been widespread requests for help – and also for Republican legislators who banned scientific studies of the dangers of rising sea…

Bigotry, Politics, Weather September 13, 2018

Huge White Power Rally Planned For This Friday In North Carolina

The largest ever gathering of White Supremacists is being held in North Carolina in Friday, according to very reliable sources. “All you tiki-torchbearers from Charlottesville, we want to see you in Myrtle Beach!” It’s been…

Politics, Weather September 12, 2018

Trump Promises To Throw ‘Only The Best’ Paper Towels At Hurricane Victims

As FEMA prepared to ship masses of paper towels to the areas where Hurricane Florence is predicted to land, President Trump today promised his administration will do the utmost to help those affected. “You will…

Politics, Weather September 12, 2018

Nation Says Goodbye To Carolinas After Trump Says Disaster Response Will Be As Successful As Puerto Rico

The United States said its farewells to North and South Carolina today, after President Trump announced that federal disaster aid to the states following landfall of Hurricane Florence would be ‘as successful as it was…

Politics September 11, 2018

President Trump Says He Won’t Seek A Sixth Term

After suggesting being a President for life like the Chinese Premier would be great, President Trump today said he would limit his time in office. “It is my intention to not seek a sixth term,…

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