Just days after breaking the hearts of millions across the globe, NASA’s supposedly deceased Mars Rover has been seen partying nonstop in Las Vegas. “Gambling, girls, chugging oil by the gallon – it’s doing it…
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Leading a nation is difficult at any time, but especially so in times of crisis, like the Civil War, World War II, or now. “Fortunately we are blessed with the leader these trying times deserve.”…
Despite fears that it was unlikely or even impossible, the United States is still here and seemingly intact a full six hours into the National Emergency. “If this isn’t a miracle I don’t know what…
Collapsing infrastructure across the county has had to be gently informed that the National Emergency declared be President Trump was not in fact intended to help it out. “Sadly, crumbling bridges and polluted water supplies…
Doctors who performed the annual medical on President Trump today declared his weight is totally unremarkable from an astronomical perspective. “Jupiter has us a little worried, but the President is just fine.” Trump’s weight, at…
(The White House) President Trump was said to be in a very good mood this Valentine’s Day, having come up with a ‘killer’ present that Melania is sure to love. “This present is great. So…
The country has learned from Senate leader Mitch McConnell that President Trump will sign a bill to avert another shutdown, after McConnell came out of his shell to spread the good news. McConnell apologized for…
President Trump has declared a National Emergency to build his border wall, citing the immense crisis the American people are currently facing due to immigration. It is already being described as the biggest emergency since…
(Pittsburgh, PA) The owner of a local major print newspaper is being hailed as nothing short of a genius by employees and the readership after coming up with an inventive way to scoop all other…
Coffee drinkers will now have a new option at their local Starbucks, which is rolling out a beverage offering called the ‘Flat Non-White’ starting today. “Now everyone gets to be represented in our made-up espresso…
Local couple Greg and Stacy Denardo are trying to save money, which is why they will be resisting the temptation to venture out to one of Pittsburgh’s fine restaurants this Valentine’s Day. “Why spend the…
Taking his cue from Ted Cruz’s suggestion that his assets be used to pay for the border wall, convicted criminal El Chapo said that was unfeasible but he has an even better idea. “Why not…
Following all the dubious boasts about votes cast and crowd sizes, people have started not to believes any of the record-breaking numerical claims coming from the White House. “It’s all been lies up til now.”…
The Westminster Dog Show is still reeling today from the unexpected win by a portly chow chow breed that no-one thought stood a change of claiming the mantle of best dog. “No dog like this…
President Trump has declared victory over Democrats in the deal struck to avert another shutdown. Described by many as a huge climbdown by the President, given he only won a fraction of the money he…
Mark Zuckerberg has informed friends he will be shutting down Facebook at the end of the month, after ‘getting the message’ that it’s bad. “Can’t you tell when something’s meant to be a goof? Jeez!”…
Quick on the heels of signing Kareem Hunt the Cleveland Browns have announced the signing of legendary running back O. J. Simpson, saying he possesses the qualities they are after in abundance. “He may be…
Recording artist Drake said he was surprised but happy to be awarded a flesh-and-blood grammy at the 2019 music awards show, saying he already has a special place in mind for his new grammy at…
Netflix said today it will not be airing the latest episode of Tidying Up in which Peaches, GA, resident Paige Philips physically ejected tidying professional Marie Kondo from her three-bedroom home. “I was just following…
Saying it was bound to come out sooner or later, the Seal of the Commonwealth of Virginia has admitted to regularly blacking up during its long history stretching back to the Virginia Convention of 1776,…