NASA Announces Bottled Water Found On Mars
NASA has announced what it calls a “major science finding” from its exploration of Mars – the presence of water on the Martian surface. This is the culmination of a decades long search for evidence…
September 2015
Planned Parenthood To Sell Slushies Flavored With Baby Parts
The internet was clogged this week as millions streamed candid footage of Planned Parenthood’s vile practice of selling baby parts for huge profits. The videos – made by the venerable Center for Medical Progress in…
Republican Party Diagnosed With Advanced Alzheimer’s Disease
Delivering a terminal diagnosis is always hard, but it is done by doctors with sensitivity and sympathy every day. Today was no different, as the Republican Party was clinically determined to be in the advanced…
Pope Francis Strangely Determined To Minister To Las Vegas Before He Leaves
The visit of Pope Francis to the United States has been a glowing success so far, with everything proceeding according to schedule like clockwork. The only spoke in the wheel has been inserted by the…
Actor Tom Hardy Inadvertently Kills Reporter With Stare At Press Conference
Following closely on the heels of his run-in with a reporter over a crass attempt to question his sexuality, Tom Hardy has again taken exception to an inappropriate question, this time inadvertently killing the impudent…
New Car Owner Suffers Torment Of Waiting For First Minor Scratch
Richard Dutch of Sewickley, PA, should be a very happy man, as he has a brand new shiny Audi sitting in his driveway that is the envy of his neighbors. But he is suffering a…
4 Year Old Registers Copyright For Derivative Work The Same Day Happy Birthday Song Falls Into Public Domain
On hearing that a Judge has invalidated the copyright claim by Warner/Chappell Music to the Happy Birthday Song, kindergartener Jason [surname withheld] did not waste a second before filing copyright for his derivative work, which…
Mars Rover Finds KFC Bucket On Red Planet’s Surface
Mission control for the Mars Rover mission had to do a double-take this week as an image was beamed back that showed what looked like a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken on the planet’s surface….
Pope Francis Brings His Message Of Peace And Love And Not Being Greedy Capitalist Shits To USA
[Washington, DC] The Pope’s visit to North America is underway and he has wasted no time shaking things up. Originally billed as an opportunity for Pope Francis to bring his message of peace and love…
Mysterious Epidemic Affecting Vast Majority Of Teens Appears To Subside in Adulthood
[NICHD, Bethesda, MD] A nationwide clinical study has confirmed that the mysterious disease that seems to affect most of the teenage population, turning them into bizarrely difficult people to deal with, does not appear to…
The Scott Walker Presidential Campaign Of 2016 – A Long Overdue Retrospective
It is often the case that historical events of high consequence are not understood in the heat of the moment and time must pass before we can begin to divine their enormous significance. So it…
Catholic Church To Dissolve After Pope Gives Bad Directions Proving He’s Not Infallible
After more than two thousand years of operation, the Catholic Church is to dissolve itself and liquidate its assets which are to be distributed amongst its 1.2 billion adherents. The action was decided on after…
Porn Industry To Remember One Of Its Finest In Tearful Sendoff
[San Fernando Valley, CA] Porn shoots across Southern California ceased pounding today out of respect as word spread that veteran adult film entertainer Ace Reamer has passed at the age of 80. Ace was born…
Vast Computational Analysis Determines Best Way To Reduce Cancer Deaths: Shoot Some Big Tobacco CEOs In The Fucking Head
[MIT, Cambridge, MA] An unprecedented computational meta-analysis of all data related to cancer deaths worldwide has determined the best way to significantly and immediately reduce mortality. The work was funded by the CDC in an…
Pharmaceutical Companies Patent The Placebo Effect
It’s been around for years making ill people feel better for unclear reasons, but nobody ever thought to patent it – until now. A conglomerate made up of leading pharmaceutical companies has applied for and…
French Chef Bringing ‘Burgh-Style’ Nouvelle Cuisine To Lawrenceville
It has always been Philippe’s Bouchard’s dream to utilize his unique culinary flair in his adopted town of Pittsburgh where he’s resided ever since leaving Paris due to an unfortunate incident involving a sous vide…
Veganism Linked To Rape And Murder According To Study Funded By Meat Industry
[Lubbock, TX] A startling new study has revealed has revealed a shocking connection between the practice of veganism (not eating animal flesh or using anything derived from animal products) and a tendency to rape and…
Relief For Physicists As Pope Francis Gives Thumbs Up To Big Bang Theory
[CERN, Switzerland] Physicists and cosmologists are breathing a huge sigh of relief at the news that Pope Francis has publicly endorsed the Big Bang Theory, which they have been tentatively working on for decades now….
McDonalds Comes Up With Ways For Workers To Live On Current Wages
[Oakbrook, IL] In response to the recent push to raise their hourly wage to $15, fast food purveyor McDonalds [NYSE:MCD] has released a new set of guidelines on how to get by on their current…
We Are One Mass Murder Away From Reaching New Levels Of Brief Ineffective Outrage
Keen observer of human nature Malcolm Gladwell has become a household name pointing out the harbringers of irrevocable changes in our society. When asked about recent horrific incidents involving gun violence, he says it should…
