[Sewickley, PA] An intense battle of wits between a toddler and his parents appears to have come to a conclusion today, resulting in a conclusive victory for the former. The adversarial struggle began when three-year-old…
After centuries of mystery and wonder, the infamous Illuminati – a rumored secret organization that controls the world – has been exposed as nothing more than a group of hedge fund traders, overpaid CEOs, and…
After yet another Presidential bid in which he is struggling to make an impression, aspiring nominee Rick Santorum has decided drastic changes are in order. “Clearly my current approach isn’t working so I’ve decided to…
After endless speculation on whether George Lucas likes the new Star Wars film, and rampant rumors that he wanted more involvement, the director of Episode IV: A New Hope has said he has finally let…
The Lucas family have always had conflicted memories of Christmas Day, due to Mr. Lucas’s brother, once a writer of considerable promise, who would always show up with a merry disposition that turned exceedingly sour…
For people like Mark Huffman, Christmas is a time of year no different than any other. This is because Mark is a resolute atheist who believes Jesus and religion should have no place in his…
[Oberlin, OH] When most people think of student protests, what often comes to mind is opposition to the Vietnam War and fighting to end segregation and the oppression of women, of which Oberlin College has…
New details of what a Bernie Sanders Presidency would look like emerged today when a reporter asked him the clichéd question of whether he was thinking about what drapes he would like in the Oval…
A group of the nation’s top neurologists have issued a warning that excessive listening to music by British songstress Adele can be hazardous to your mental health. This follows neurology departments reporting being flooded with…
Reviews of the new Star Wars film have been painstakingly avoiding spoilers by forgoing any detailed discussion of the experience of viewing it. Even so, many reviewers have slipped up by commenting on the quality…
(Pittsburgh, PA) DMV employee Doug Wysockey was thrown a party by his co-workers today to celebrate 30 years of processing motor vehicle license applications and making members of the public feel inferior. There was no…
Trigger warnings, which give advance notice to students that what they are about to be exposed to might contain offensive or politically incorrect material, have become part of the academic landscape in recent years. But…
News that JJ Abrams is ‘terrified’ of the pressure for Star Wars to be successful made even more sense today, as it was revealed that the Disney Corporation intends to execute him if it does…
Paris is celebrating as the vast majority of the world’s nations reached an historic agreement to limit a potentially disastrous rise in global temperatures due to manmade causes. The United States, being one of the…
With security on everyone’s mind these days, the question of how to tell who’s a terrorist has assumed great urgency. Fortunately, the people who watch a lot of TV, especially shows from the glory days…
Chicago, long known as the place where you don’t stop voting just because you died, has been put up for sale by the U.S. Government. The city, which has earned the nickname ‘Chiraq’ in recent…
In an uncharacteristically angry revelation to the Chairman of the GOP, God has let it be known that it’s time for the Republican Party and their candidates to start doing their own heavy lifting on…
The Bernie Sanders campaign is still going strong, which political analysts say is due to his progressive positions on the issues, his success in raising huge sums from small donors, and his wildly expressive arms….
The NRA has rejected calls for tighter gun control until there is a specific law on the books to prevent deer and other prey animals acquiring military-grade protective gear. “Obviously it won’t apply to animals…
Hot of the heels of their trivializing live ransacking of the apartment rented by the San Bardardino killers, network MSNBC has announced it will be adopting a policy of preforming only upskirt interviews in the…
