Top Ten Ways To Tell If You Are An Up-To-Date Yinzer Or Not
So you’ve left Pittsburgh but still consider yourself black and gold to the core. But do you really know what’s going on in the Burgh – or are you just a Yinzer in name only…
July 2016
Games Of Thrones To Be Picked Up By Porn Studios After It Ends On HBO
HBO has announced that season eight of Game Of Thrones will its last, but fans will be happy to learn that salvation has presented itself in the form of two of San Fernando Valley’s biggest…
Clinton Stops By To Remind Pittsburgh She’s Not The Orange-Haired Idiotic One
The Hillary Clinton campaign stopped in Pittsburgh for a rally at the David Lawrence Convention Center just two days after she accepted her historic nomination. Though the whistle-stop tour across Pennsylvania and Ohio is nominally…
Matt Damon To Follow ‘The Great Wall’ by Playing Mandela In Remake Of Invictus
Matt Damon has dismissed complaints that the starring role of his latest film ‘The Great Wall’ should have gone to an Asian or Asian American actor. The controversy arose after a trailer was released which…
Justin Bieber Wins Lots Of New Fans By Refusing Five Million To Perform At RNC Convention
Justin Bieber has won over millions of new fans with the news that he declined to perform at the RNC convention despite the fact that he was offered five million dollars to do so. “I…
Launch Of New Blackberry Phone Marred By Total Shock That Blackberry Still Exists
[Waterloo, ON] BlackBerry Limited (NASDAQ: BBRY; TSX: BB) has announced the release of what it calls the World’s most secure android smartphone – the DTEK50. Running Android Marshmallow 6.0 and benefiting from Blackberry’s full security…
Parent Tells Six Year Old To Eat His Vegetables Or The Terrorists Win
Everyone knows young children can be picky eaters – especially Melanie Gables of Forest Hills, who couldn’t persuade her feisty six-year-old Gordon to eat his vegetables for love or money. “I was so fed up….
Gentrified Sesame Street Ejects Elderly Fixed-Income Residents
The producers of the classic children’s TV program ‘Sesame Street’ have finally spoken about the decision to part ways with three of the original cast: Bob McGrath, 84, Emilio Delgado, 76, and Roscoe Orman, 72,…
Hillary Declines Nomination Saying “Thanks But No Thanks”
In the latest shocker of a stormy election season, Hillary Clinton has declined her party’s nomination to be the next President of the United States. “This is great and everything, but nah. Don’t think so.”…
Guy Who Shot Reagan Released In Front Of Donald Trump’s Home
Authorities have released John Hinkley Jr. – who shot President Reagan in 1981 – citing that there was no longer any benefit to keeping him incarcerated. Medical experts have determined that his mental health issues…
United Democratic Party Bludgeons Last Of The Bernie Bros To Death
The Democratic convention opened on Monday with signs of trouble as Sanders supporters expressed their frustration, but the schedule was in fact carefully designed to let them have their moment and then bring them around….
Taylor Swift Inks $200 Million Deal With Big Machine Records For 5 High-Profile Breakups
[Nashville, TN] Taylor Swift cemented her position as a top earner in the music industry with an earth-shattering 200 million dollar deal with her label Big Machine Records for 5 high-profile celebrity breakups over the…
DNC Chair To Be Burned At The Stake During Convention To Appease Sanders Supporters
A set of emails that implicates DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz in a concerted effort to undermine Senator Bernie Sanders is rocking the Democrats on the eve of their convention. But Hillary Clinton is determined…
Scientific Study Finds Stem Cells Are ‘Good For What Ails You’
A meta-analysis of scientific data and anecdotal evidence on the benefits of stem cell therapy has found that is unambiguously a good idea in all medical scenarios. The comprehensive study, which was commissioned the National…
Donald Trump’s Little-Known Eldest Child Jeffrey Trump Escapes Treatment Facility
Donald Trump’s grown-up children were the backbone of his performance at the GOP convention, humanizing his otherwise dark and foreboding presence. But only a select few knew that someone was missing from the line-up. Trump’s…
Clinton To Unveil Relaxed Personality She’s Suppressed Through Sheer Will For 65 Years
With the GOP now firmly saddled with Trump as their nominee and the Bernie Sanders challenge put to rest, Hillary Clinton surprised her family and closest associates with the news that she is a totally…
Ted Cruz Boldly Endorses Lateral Frontal Pole During Convention Speech
Ted Cruz did not shy away from making a firm endorsement during his convention appearance, coming out strongly in favor of using your lateral frontal pole this November. Not one to engage in doubletalk, Cruz…
Trump To Annex Most Of Mexico To Make Building His Wall Easier
With the GOP having adopted nominee Donald Trump’s plan to build a continuous wall across the southern land border of the United States, Democrats were looking forward to mocking the policy as manifestly impractical given…
Bill Cosby Now Totally Dependent On Others To Help Him Spike Drinks
Sources close to comedian Bill Cosby have revealed that he is almost blind due to a degenerative eye condition, and ask that the public spare a thought for him at this time. The medical condition…
Boy Genius Figures Out That It’s Guns AND People That Kill People
You can’t be blamed for believing the gun violence debate is going nowhere these days, with the NRA and gun control advocates both locked into their respective positions of “People kill people” and “Guns kill…
