Out of concern that people may have to buy expensive healthcare coverage instead of iPhones once Obamacare is replaced, Apple Inc. has decided to solve the dilemma for consumers by expanding its iPhone AppleCare protection plan to include the owners as well.

“We don’t want people to feel they have to choose between their health and having an iPhone.”

The AppleCare plan now fully covers the iPhone owner for trips and falls, as well as any injuries involving a toilet or sink.

“Just call to have expenses related to your bumps and scrapes reimbursed.”

When it comes to sudden declines in cognitive performance, the answer to what is covered is more complex.

“AppleCare will cover a weekend trip to a Spa hotel so you can refresh yourself in the case of strain and stress, which hopefully fixes the problem. But if there is an underlying physical cause such as amyloid protein buildup and the problem persists, the replacement insurance will kick in instead.”

The replacement option is intended to appeal to those with children and other dependents, providing peace of mind should the iPhone owner become incapacitated due to illnesses that are not covered, like cancer or heart disease.

“If you’re in real bad shape or you expire, we’ll find someone else with comparable education and jobs skills to replace you.”

Your family’s replacement will arrive from China within a week. Should your family be unsatisfied due to damage in transit, simple call AppleCare and a shipping box will be dispatched for you to send your replacement back for exchange.