With the possible satellite collision above Pittsburgh only hours away, local Primanti Bros restaurants have reported being full to capacity and doing many times their normal business.

“Everyone wants one last cheesesteak before they die.”

Suburban locations were quickly swamped, with those turned away seeking out lesser-known locations like those in Garfield and Harmar.

“You’d think people who believed the end was nigh would want to pray with their families. But no – they want cheesesteaks.”

Surprisingly, a large number of the customers desperately stuffing their faces with fries-laden sandwiches and swigging IC Light by the gallon had seen reports from NASA that the collision posed no risk as everything would burn up in the atmosphere. Still they remained committed to their task.

“Those scientists might have it all wrong n’at. Why take the risk?”

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