Physicist Discovers Space-Time Deformation In Front Of Squirrel Hill Tunnels

Basically the same.

Professor Maria Del Carmen Monrreal Ferreira was only a young graduate student when she moved from her native Argentina to Pittsburgh to pursue her studies in astrophysics, specializing in local conformal space-time disturbances. The exotic phenomenon, long predicted by Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity but unknown in nature, would soon become the whale to her Captain Ahab, as she spent half a career deep in the bowels of the University of Pittsburgh’s Allen Hall building studying spectroscopic data from the world’s observatories, all to no avail. Then, one fateful morning, everything changed.

“I was running late for a meeting,”

explains the Regent Square resident and occasional amateur horticulturalist,

“so instead of cycling down Forbes Avenue like I usually do, I decided to drive, taking the Parkway to the Bates Street exit. Because I thought it would be faster.”

It was just after the Braddock Avenue on-ramp that the keen observer of all things physics-related noticed the space-time bubble that would make her career, located just in front of the entrance to the tunnels. As she herself puts it:

“From the perspective of an observer outside the bubble, everything inside seems to inexplicably slow down by a factor of two, with one second appearing to take two seconds, or, to put it another way, 60mph seeming to be 30mph.”

Being a skeptical scientist used to the most rigorous standards of logic and empirical evidence, the Professor at first refused to believe that the phenomenon she had spent decades searching the heavens for would be found here in the city’s East End just under a mile from where she lay her head every night. But a detailed examination of the area confirmed her tentative hopes.

“It’s just a well lit tunnel with two open lanes, and no reason whatsoever for traffic to feel impeded in any way.”

Her confidence that this was something beyond everyday comprehension was bolstered further by the fact that, while people complained about everyone slowing down in front of the tunnels, those very same people swear they don’t slow down themselves, which is consistent with the relativistic theory which states that time always flows normally in one’s own frame of reference.

“As the great made-up detective Sherlock Holmes would say, once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”

She quickly published her observations, which perfectly fit the prevailing theoretical framework, once all the ad hoc variables were suitably adjusted. Some details remain intriguingly unexplained as yet. In addition to slowing down time, the cosmic disruption also causes the brake-lights of the vehicles to become energized.

“Presumably it’s related to some vacuum excitation effect inducing transient electrical currents that we have yet to fully comprehend. I know it’s definitely not people hitting their brakes when they approach the tunnel, because I asked them.”

Since then other research groups have confirmed the existence of the very same phenomenon in the vicinity of the Crab Nebula, 6,500 light years away from Earth, as well as somewhere in New Jersey. But the one in lower Squirrel Hill will always remain closest to this physicist’s heart, both for sentimental reasons, and because it provides such a pristine example for ongoing study.

“As deformations in the space-time continuum go, this one is remarkably stable.”

She is especially thankful than in addition to advancing our understanding of the theoretical foundation of the universe, this discovery may help her fellow city residents in the course of their daily lives. Much like prehistoric cave dwellers who had to invent fantastical explanations for thunder and lightning in lieu of proper meteorological knowledge, so too did Pittsburgh develop its own mythology surrounding the cosmological defect atop its main thoroughfare, leading to such invocations as the Tunnel Monster, which has been used to scare young children for a generation.

“Pittsburghers can now accept this phenomenon for the gravitational artifact that it is and stop being so incredibly angry about it.”

When asked what she plans to work on next, the Professor says she will search for tangible evidence of dark matter, the theorized substance that serves no purpose except to exert a huge drag on everything around it, which she hopes to find near the Pleiades Star Cluster, or along the Mon-Fayette Expressway.

75 Comments on "Physicist Discovers Space-Time Deformation In Front Of Squirrel Hill Tunnels"

  1. All in can say is that I haven’t laughed this hard and cried this much sense Eddy Murphy said his neighbors wife was bigfoot. Goonny goo goo! I think I need to change my drawers!

  2. And in a different take…..when driving at night with no traffic that tunnel makes you feel like you are driving down a shaft!!! No that’s a space / time phenomenon if ever I saw one

  3. Rob, We beat up loud mouths like you in High School

  4. You serious Clark?

  5. Common sense seems to have gone the way of correct spelling…

  6. Pittsburgh drivers have absolutely no understanding of direction, courtesy, or left lane protocol. There’s also a 100% guarantee that I’ll end up running across a driver (usually a woman on her phone) with zero sense of urgency driving 10 mph below the speed limit in the left lane, or a driver (usually a woman on her phone driving a clapped-out, smashed-up 1990’s minivan) driving six inches from my rear bumper in the right lane. I consider it a miracle to make it home safely every day. It’s absolutely no surprise that the traffic situation around the tunnels is always astonishingly bad when the drivers in this town behave the way they do.

    • Hey Lord sounds like you just need your ass beat Lord Einstein ,who said anything about 50 miles an hour being to fast or slow ,did you count on ramp traffic, Its smartasses like you that hide from your smartass comments,Ill bet your a tuff guy

      • Oh look, another internet tough guy that has the IQ of a turnip. Shut up mouth breather, you’re embarrassing yourself.

  7. Certainly the best explanation I’ve ever heard outside of the Tunnel Monster that eats all the cars that go into the tunnel. Nom nom.

  8. The reason I’m still commenting in because I was off of work yesterday afternoon and all day today, so I’ve been able to see the comment updates In my email, and it seems to be really irritating to you, which is really funny. I was over it a bunch of messages ago, but you just keep coming back with more, so I just respond. 🙂

    • Wow. You’re fucking dumber than I thought.

      • Foulmudmamas | March 5, 2015 at 11:38 pm | Reply

        I must commend you Destinee, for having such a talent for critical thinking. Your ability to see the absurdity of this article is admirable. I mean, how could an anomaly like this possibly exist in front of a tunnel, of all places, and not have been detected by now? It’s just ridiculous!

        And don’t be discouraged by these comments. How can one be expected to understand the difference between fact and fiction, having never lived in the city that is being…um…talked about…

  9. Hahahahaha!!! That’s so freaking corny but awesome at the same time!

  10. Destinée’s destiny is to have a corinarée, lol.

    Wah wha wah wah wah shake it off already, before the Tunnel Monster gets ya.

  11. It appears that you do…

    • It appears that you’re the only one that does seeing that you’re the one who decided to butt into a conversation that no one was refering you to and still continue to comment.

  12. I used to live in Pittsburgh…what that has to do with this eludes me. I read the article. I have read many “scientific” articles that made as little sense that the one above. So, I studied the photo and wondered what cave I had been living in when the news broke around the world about this discovery. Then the light bulb came on.

  13. Thank you all so much for the comic relief this morning. Originally from daBurgh. Spent countless hours looking for the Monongahela Monster. Destinee, glad you are not from daBurgh.

  14. I cannot believe that there are so many dimwits in da Burgh that thought that this was a serious post.

  15. And here I always thought the Burgh’s tunnel traffic problems were due to drivers who had experienced birth trauma.

  16. I am open to the potability of a time slip such as this ,I think it is very possible,I get that things we cant see are scarey,but that dos not mean we should not look ,if such a thing can happen in a particular collider .why can it not happen in nature.

  17. Isn’t this stated backwards? 60mph doesn’t appear to be 30mph in the tunnel. No one is driving 60mph! It’s that 30 mph appears to be 60mph.

  18. Juan Hernandez | February 9, 2015 at 11:26 am | Reply

    Now, Tom Cruise’s character in M:I 3 explains this relativistic effect in freeway traffic in detail at a cocktail party in his house, right? He was on to something…

  19. Kathie Sukalac | February 9, 2015 at 5:21 am | Reply

    I’m not sure which is more hilarious – the “article” or the comments!

  20. Whammin Jammin Douglas | February 8, 2015 at 10:45 pm | Reply

    Please put your phone down and pay attention to what you are doing. If everybody would step off with their left foot at the same time this would have major effect on this time warp pressure/suction complex. Either way….lighten up tight ass

  21. The problem of the parkway coming into the squirell hill tunnel during rush is one that I think is incredibly easy to solve and so simple to see…the on-ramp right before the tunnel is causing all the slow-down…we create a.bottleneck every morning coming in and every night going out…the answer is simple; put up a mechanical arm closing those on-ramps for three hours each day then reopen them …I guarantee we will have no issues with parkway traffic after work or before work

    • Starting back in the early 1960’s and lasting for about a decade, the eastbound ramp was closed at the Squirrel Hill tunnel from about 4pm until 6pm. It had little to no effect on improving the eastbound flow of traffic into the tunnel. Why? Because the parkway traffic had three lanes merging into two lanes at the approach to the tunnel.
      The closing of the ramp might have had a positive effect IF the parkway right lane had been converted to an EXIT ONLY lane. But that was never instituted.

  22. Robert Arbuckle | February 8, 2015 at 6:39 pm | Reply

    Now if she could just explain if this same thing happens when people hit their brakes when approching a green light.

  23. I’m disappointed that so many people ruined the deer in headlights posts that thought this was real. You could have at least had the decency to troll the poor bastards that believed it. Instead you explained the joke. Of course YOU weren’t fooled, but let us have some fun next time!

  24. So funny funny, so true. I just set down here and was quite amazed to find this familiar phenom so far away.

  25. The tipoff to the parody is the reference to observance of the phenomenon “somewhere in New Jersey”. Pretty funny though…

  26. I’ve heard one good solution to this time-warp problem:
    (1) valet service through the tunnels; it would be faster than most drivers
    Two of my own suggestions:
    (2) mirrors on the walls so that people think it’s a four-lane highway instead of a tunnel
    (3) project on the side walls a 3-D movie of an ice cream truck traveling at 60 miles an hour slightly ahead of each car and bearing a sign that reads “Free Klondikes”

  27. Michele Osier, are you laughing at my RED LIGHT solution?
    Or are you laughing at the article?
    Or both?

  28. so if you stay in the tunnel do you age slower?

  29. …I can’t stop laughing…

  30. Thanks for the scientific explanation.
    But there is one factor that you did NOT consider:
    PENNDOT workers give a courtesy to their fellow workers during the rush hour shift changes.
    And they turn on the RED LIGHT to stop all traffic to let their co-workers exit from the Squirrel Hill Tunnel entrance parking lots.
    That few seconds of traffic- stop creates a ripple effect that lasts for hours.
    I have offered a solution to PENNDOT:
    eliminate the RED LIGHT stops INBOUND in the morning,
    and eliminate the RED LIGHT stops OUTBOUND in the evening.
    Bad News: PENNDOT has not yet responded to my months old suggestion.
    Good News: I will keep you posted on the progress of my proposed solution.

  31. I like this idea.

    The thing that would really make it awesome is if it were written in the voice of a “journalist” who is clueless about science, and gets the details wrong, and contradicts his own statements. Just like all science journalism.

  32. Best thing about this article is that people think it is real.

  33. so yeah this is obviously a fake post. please do not try and dispute the points made in the article because it will make you look like a retard.

  34. So, where is the video evidence for this? I thought that you would’ve at least included that with this post. Oh, that’s right. There isn’t any, is there? Haha, I thought so. If you’re going to post about something this unbelievable that you knew people would make fun of you for, then you could’ve included some video evidence, otherwise you could’ve just not posted it at all, because now everyone is making fun of this post and this website. Good job.

    • hmm, you’ve heard of satire, right?

      • No shit, I’ve heard of satire. How the fuck was I supposed to know that this wasn’t a real article? I don’t live there. People kept sharing this article saying that I made no sense and that they were wondering where’s the evidence so I looked at it. I looked it up and found it to be a real place, so tell me how the actual fuck I was supposed to know it was a fake article if I DON’T LIVE THERE.

        • About
          Welcome to Breaking Burgh, a satirical blog serving Western Pennsylvania and beyond.

          Might have been a clue.

        • Well, Destinée, you were supposed to know because you attended high school, assuming of course you really did. Do you think living in Pittsburgh would have given you the opportunity to see that there really wasn’t a space-time deformation in front of the tunnel? Do you think you would have noticed one if there was?

    • Um…it isn’t supposed to be a real article. Satire? If you truly believe that this is an actual article, perhaps you need some help.

    • ….this article is sarcasm dear. The author is attempting to give a humorous explanation for how there could possibly be so much traffic when approaching the tunnel since “no one ever hits there breaks!” Hear that? That was the sound of the point flying over your head.

    • Hahhahaha…Destinèe… Thank God a real astrophysicist weighed in in the subject. See what I did there? I’m guessing no.

    • First off, no need to swear so overly much. It makes you sound even dumber than you are. Secondly, you have to be a complete moron to think that this is a real article. If you’ve never be to pittsburgh, then you should’ve never written a comment in the first place if that was going to be your argument as to why you’re a moron. Third, don’t get so angry when people call you out on being an idiot. It’s much easier and less stressful to laugh at yourself and go along with it. Maybe if you relax and learn to laugh when you make mistakes, you won’t get so angry.

    • You. Are. STUPID.

  35. So to avoid losing time, I can cut through the crab nebula? Do they have any speed traps there?

  36. robert adametz | February 7, 2015 at 4:43 pm | Reply

    Go back to the drawing board. Those people are a bunch of dumbasses. I grew up there, in nearby Forest Hills. The drivers are jackasses, scared that the tunnel might somehow consume them. The proof is on the other side of the tunnel where the force sucking them into the city magically cause their vehicles to speed up to 75 mph, morning, noon and/ or night! Maybe studying that effect would win the Pulitzer prize.

    • “Some details remain intriguingly unexplained as yet. In addition to slowing down time, the timewarp also causes the brake-lights of many of the vehicles to become energized.” or, maybe the time-warp pulls a driver’s left foot downward causing it to depress the brake pedal which energizes the brake lights and, oddly enough, slows the vehicle’s forward speed. The exact same thing happens when vehicles approach the vicinity of the Crab Nebula.

      • This is so easy to figure out, Its called common sence,I do not have a high school Ed. When traveling at 50 miles per hour with open space on both sides of you then approaching a hole with two sides suddenly upon you where if you make one wrong move to the left you my hit a car ,if that car may come in your lane you may hit the right wall, Our brains would tell us to slow down a fraction because our surroundings have changed instantly from openness on both sides to a closed box,It doesent take an astronomer to figure this out, has nothing to do with time worp.

        • Hey Rob, since your brain is telling you that 50 mph is too fast to enter the tunnels in a modern automobile, maybe you should just stay inside where it’s safe. And stick to TV, I think the internet might be a little too advanced for you.

          • Ill bet your a yuppie that got smacked around in High School like the little bitch you are, People like you are so easy to figure out, Road Rage, but when its time to step out you drive away, I drove Parkway West To Stanwix for twenty years asshole,Ill bet you sit in front of a PC all day , Or do you work?????

        • I think it’s more of your eyes adjusting to the different light from outside to inside. Either day or night. You don’t want to go speeding into a tunnel and not know what’s going on in there. Just like speeding in fog. It can cause an accident. And by the time you come out the other end, your eyes have adjusted to inside and you can drive faster and after you’re out, people still slow down because they can’t see well enough until their eyes readjust to outside again.

        • Wow are you dumb. I mean not just slightly challenged dumb, but full-on retard dumb. Keep pumping them brakes, Corky. Also, it’s “sense”, and “warp”, and too many grammatical mistakes to list here.

      • If you drive with your left foot on the break you’re part of the problem.

    • I’ll just leave this here:

      A parody (/ˈpærədi/; also called spoof, send-up or lampoon), in use, is an imitative work created to imitate, or comment on an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of satiric or ironic imitation. As the literary theorist Linda Hutcheon puts it, “parody … is imitation, not always at the expense of the parodied text.” Another critic, Simon Dentith, defines parody as “any cultural practice which provides a relatively polemical allusive imitation of another cultural production or practice.”

      Parody may be found in art or culture, including literature, music (although “parody” in music has an earlier, somewhat different meaning than for other art forms), animation, gaming and film.

    • Um…you realize this is a parody, right?

    • Don’t think you know what the Pulitzer prize is for….

    • “Who are you, so wise in the ways of science?”

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