President-elect Joe Biden announced another cabinet-level nomination today, that of actor Tom Cruise to the newly created post of COVID-19 Guidelines Enforcement Czar.
“With Tom’s help and extreme passion, we are going to kick this virus’s ass.”
Biden decided on Cruise for the post immediately after hearing an audio clip of the Mission Impossible 7 star chewing out crew members for violating protocol on set.
“Even I was shaking, despite knowing I have a Secret Service detail that would shoot him to pieces if he came at me like that.”
Cruise will be authorized to brutally take down anyone not following recommended guidelines – including mask usage and social distancing – for preventing the spread of the novel Coronavirus. Biden said one of the great advantages of having someone like Tom in charge is that there will be nowhere for Covidiots to hide anymore.
“It won’t matter how secure the location is that you sneak off to to gather in close proximity without masks and not wash your hands. Tom will rappel, base jump and parkour to exactly six feet away from you and unleash hell on your guideline-flouting asses.
Concerns about carry-over staff from the Trump administration who have developed lax attitudes will also be a big priority.
“The first phase of the transition will involve Tom going through every Federal building and institution and ripping those individuals a new one. You have been warned”