Responding to a rising incidence of unhappy parents saying they want changes to public school teaching plans and mask mandates, President Biden took action today that he says will finally satisfy everyone.

“I have ordered to Department of Education to create 60 million individual school districts, corresponding to the total number of school-age children in the United States.

He says this means every parent can have their child taught the versions of history and science they are most comfortable with.

“If you want to teach your child about the holocaust go ahead. And if you want to balance that out with your ‘opposing view’ have at it.”

Additionally, every parent or guardian of a child will now be principal of their own school district, which will meet in their house.

“You can complain to your heart’s content at PTA meetings by yelling at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Or you can even point your gun at yourself if you really want to get your point across.”

Biden has also instructed Education Secretary Miguel Cardona not to send out any text books, course curricula, or other teaching materials.

“I’ve listened to you and clearly you know much better than any teacher, so enjoy writing those textbooks on trigonometry and the War of 1812 all by yourself.”

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