Breaking Burgh’s Tips For Surviving The Polar Vortex

The arctic chill is coming and it’s as real as store-bought pierogies are bad. Make sure you’re prepared by following Breaking Burgh’s top tips for surviving a polar vortex.

Don’t buy milk, bread or toilet paper in advance

This may sound like terrible advice but bear with us. Instead of giving Giant Eagle even more business, use the huge supply of these items you already have sitting in your garage or basement that you bought for last week’s false weather event and the one before that.

Think about the Patriots getting to another Super Bowl

If you feel yourself slipping away into eternal sleep, think of Tom Brady getting to yet another Super Bowl while your season is long over. If that doesn’t work, read some of Antonio Brown’s tweets and discuss how well the Steelers handled the whole Le’Veon Bell debacle. This will get your blood pumping and keep you warm. Note: If you’re a New England fan, this may cause you to fall into a blissful serenity, and you may die.

Trust your forecasters (this time anyway)

Given how much local weather forecasters predict doom and gloom when there is none, you may be tempted to dismiss their scary tales of frostbite. If you do that this time, be prepared to lose a limb or two. So believe them on this one occasion. Or you could just follow Jeff Verszyla’s twitter feed, since he seems to have the best grasp of what’s going on by far. Which is why he had to be fired, naturally. Corporate America at its best!

Wear your Penguins gear and your Steelers gear together

Putting on both your Steelers and Penguins jackets at the same time will keep you super-insulated. Don’t add up the cost of all the outerwear you have on, though, as the realization you spent the cost of a small car giving free advertising to wealthy sports franchises may sting.

Avoid tunnels and bridges

This is good all-year-round advice.

Don’t cross any rivers

Ditto.

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