SENATE BRIEFING: With his smartphone confiscated by the FBI, Senator Richard Burr (R) was forced to revert to using the desktop version of his preferred online trading platform today. He admitted having some difficulty after…
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With much of America looking to reopen its shuttered economy early, the actions are receiving praise for allowing struggling infectious pathogens like the novel coronavirus a much-needed lifeline. “Those stay-at-home orders really hit me hard….
News that restaurant behemoth Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse has returned $20 million to the Government’s emergency Paycheck Protection program for small businesses – following a furor on social media – was met with concern by senior…
An emergency meeting of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) has provisionally agreed on a plan to deal with the stark collapse in oil prices, which has led to oil futures contracts entering…
Leading Congressional Republicans derided their Democratic counterparts today for delaying much needed additional aid they had put together in close consultation with the White House. “This is not a time for scrutiny.” Mitch McConnell did…
Voicing his ‘grave concerns’ about the coronavirus stimulus package, professional government freeloader Lindsey Graham warned today that it could incentivize some Americans to freeload off its emergency unemployment benefit provisions. “I know all about freeloading…
Sensing it was losing the battle to wins the public’s hearts and minds, the coronavirus has launched a massive effort to rehabilitate its increasingly negative image. A spokeperson for the PR compamy hired by the…
FASHION BRIEF: (Paris, France) Mere weeks after committing to aid in the fight against the coronavirus pandemic, the fashion houses of Louis Vuitton and Christian Dior held a closed-door show today to debut their hotly…
Together with Senator Richard Burr, Senator for Georgia and Fox News Host impersonator Kelly Loeffler is being asked to resign for selling off stock before the crash after receiving a confidential briefing on how bad…
(Sharon, PA) A local Trump supporter is said to be ‘over the moon’ at news he will likely soon be the beneficiary of a stimulus payout from the US Government. The man – who will…
(The White House) President Trump has said it is imperative that the economy not be allowed to fail and that the quickest way to prop it up in the face of the coronavirus slowdown is…
Like many non-essential workers, local data scientist Greg Pistella has been ordered to work from home as part of the effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus. Used to being in an open-plan office environment,…
BUSINESS BRIEF: Faced with unprecedented consumer demand, Procter & Gamble (NYSE:PG) today unveiled its latest line of toilet paper to be marketed under its Charmin brand. Called “It’s Just Leaves”®, the new offering is described…
The corridors were buzzing in the White House today following President Trump’s address to the country on the coronavirus outbreak. With the markets again in free-fall over concerns about the administration’s response, Trump demanded a…
Managers of local Giant Eagle and Market District stores expressed surprised and confusion today at the lack of panic buyers stripping their store shelves of milk, bread, toilet paper, and cheap light beer. “Are we…
Chain bookseller Barnes & Noble has announced it plans to act more like an indie bookstore in an effort to maintain market share. “Customers prefer an indie style book outlet, which is why we will…
Popular coffee purveyor Starbucks has announced new measures to halt the spread of the coronavirus, including direct delivery of coffee without using disposable cups. “Though we previously merely banned personal cups, we now recognize that…
Following a dismal Super Tuesday performance – despite pouring half a billion of his own personal funds into his campaign – Mike Bloomberg has quit the race for the Democratic nomination, saying the best way…
Constellation Brands – the company that brews Corona Light and Corona Export beer – has lowered performance expectations for the next quarter, citing unusual market conditions and that fact that 38% of the American public…
(Agra, India) Following his successful trip to India, President Trump has indicated he will be instigating legal proceedings against the government there after they showed him a tourist site that he claims was a direct…