An emergency meeting of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) has provisionally agreed on a plan to deal with the stark collapse in oil prices, which has led to oil futures contracts entering…
Leading Congressional Republicans derided their Democratic counterparts today for delaying much needed additional aid they had put together in close consultation with the White House. “This is not a time for scrutiny.” Mitch McConnell did…
Voicing his ‘grave concerns’ about the coronavirus stimulus package, professional government freeloader Lindsey Graham warned today that it could incentivize some Americans to freeload off its emergency unemployment benefit provisions. “I know all about freeloading…
Sensing it was losing the battle to wins the public’s hearts and minds, the coronavirus has launched a massive effort to rehabilitate its increasingly negative image. A spokeperson for the PR compamy hired by the…
FASHION BRIEF: (Paris, France) Mere weeks after committing to aid in the fight against the coronavirus pandemic, the fashion houses of Louis Vuitton and Christian Dior held a closed-door show today to debut their hotly…
Together with Senator Richard Burr, Senator for Georgia and Fox News Host impersonator Kelly Loeffler is being asked to resign for selling off stock before the crash after receiving a confidential briefing on how bad…
(Sharon, PA) A local Trump supporter is said to be ‘over the moon’ at news he will likely soon be the beneficiary of another stimulus payout from the US Government. The man – who will…
(The White House) President Trump has said it is imperative that the economy not be allowed to fail and that the quickest way to prop it up in the face of the coronavirus slowdown is…
Like many non-essential workers, local data scientist Greg Pistella has been ordered to work from home as part of the effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus. Used to being in an open-plan office environment,…
BUSINESS BRIEF: Faced with unprecedented consumer demand, Procter & Gamble (NYSE:PG) today unveiled its latest line of toilet paper to be marketed under its Charmin brand. Called “It’s Just Leaves”®, the new offering is described…
The corridors were buzzing in the White House today following President Trump’s address to the country on the coronavirus outbreak. With the markets again in free-fall over concerns about the administration’s response, Trump demanded a…
Managers of local Giant Eagle and Market District stores expressed surprised and confusion today at the lack of panic buyers stripping their store shelves of milk, bread, toilet paper, and cheap light beer. “Are we…
Chain bookseller Barnes & Noble has announced it plans to act more like an indie bookstore in an effort to maintain market share. “Customers prefer an indie style book outlet, which is why we will…
Following a dismal Super Tuesday performance – despite pouring half a billion of his own personal funds into his campaign – Mike Bloomberg has quit the race for the Democratic nomination, saying the best way…
Constellation Brands – the company that brews Corona Light and Corona Export beer – has lowered performance expectations for the next quarter, citing unusual market conditions and that fact that 38% of the American public…
(Agra, India) Following his successful trip to India, President Trump has indicated he will be instigating legal proceedings against the government there after they showed him a tourist site that he claims was a direct…
Boeing Corporation has fired back at critics regarding reports of debris being found in the fuel tanks of their troubled 737 MAX, saying people are blowing things out of all proportion. “Some debris in the…
In bad news for stockholders of tobacco companies, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has reportedly given up smoking leading to widespread panic in the industry. “Please tell us he’s taken up vaping at least.” News…
Representatives of UFC mixed martial arts champion Conor McGregor announced a major advertising endorsement deal today with Ireland’s leading manufacturers and distributors of genuine Aran sweaters. The revelation is believed to be cleverly timed to…
Straight up this is an ask – think of those annoying fundraisers on PBS. Still here? Of course you are. You’re smart. Not like everybody with a MAGA hat says, like a dumb libturd. You’re smart and…
