Freshly dead fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld has reportedly wasted no time in telling God that his design sense is ‘atrocious’ and the decor in Heaven would ‘make me kill myself if I wasn’t already dead’….
New Yorkers with Amazon Prime found themselves unable stream their favorite videos today, after an unfortunate glitch slowed down content delivery to IP addresses in the city. None other than the Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos…
After having what he describes as a ‘that-guy-in-the-bathtub’ moment, President Trump is said to have solved the problem of how to get his border wall built once and for all. “The answer was staring me…
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has backed down on its plan to replace winner’s speeches with advertising breaks in the categories of cinematography, editing, makeup & hairstyling and live-action short following a…
(Pittsburgh, PA) The owner of a local major print newspaper is being hailed as nothing short of a genius by employees and the readership after coming up with an inventive way to scoop all other…
Saying he would never allow himself to be in a position where he could be blackmailed, Jeff Bezos has released hundreds of naked photos of himself to be displayed all over the Amazon.com website. “There…
President Trump has announced that current acting Secretary for the Interior, David Bernhardt, will be formally nominated to the position. Bernhardt, a former lobbyist for the oil industry, said the preservation of threatened species would…
Internet celebrity Grumpy Cat has revealed in an interview with Hello Magazine that her efforts to improve her mood have resulted in her earning ability disappearing almost overnight. “No-one returns my calls anymore. No-one.” Though…
Saying times were rough financially and that he needed to parlay his experience in government into something lucrative, former Trump Press Secretary Sean Spicer today announced the formation of Spicer Lying Consultants. “We will be…
Dirty greenhouse-gas-belching coal pants across the United States apologized today for failing to avert the present cold snap by raising global temperatures drastically. “Unfortunately, mother nature got one by us, but it won’t happen again…
Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has signaled his intention to run for the White House in 2020. What was initially thought to be a divisive, threadbare candidacy that would only help Trump was transformed today…
(The White House) President Trump took time out from his busy schedule today to conduct some personal business involving the new charity he founded to replace the Trump Foundation that was shut down by the…
Scientists are hailing the discovery of a new element, which happened when a Yankee Candle customer who had no idea what they were doing attempted to make a terrible smelling candle. “The customer insisted on…
Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross has apologized for suggesting unpaid Federal employees shouldn’t need to depend on food banks. “What is it you kids say? My bad.” He says his brief time in the spotlight of…
McDonalds Corp (NYSE: MCD) has announced a new sandwich in its line-up, the McHamberder, that will be available in all locations starting tomorrow. Described as ‘like a burger but technically a berder’, the three-quarter pound…
(The White House) Saying there was a desperate shortfall of willing candidates within the United States, staffers today announced that President Trump has decided to outsource the upcoming Chief of Staff vacancy to India. “With…
A wealthy art collector from Europe is reportedly livid that nothing notable has happened to the Banksy artwork he now owns since completing a purchase for 3.2 million euros at a Paris auctioneer yesterday. “It’s…
Following the news that the Pirates have acquired pitcher Chris Archer just as the trade deadline approached, local fans have finally discovered what Neil Huntington has grown to realize over the past few months, if…
Ivanka Trump has announced that she is closing down the fashion line that uses her name. Though she regrets all the menial jobs that will be lost in the Chinese labor market, she said there…
As he heads to Helsinki for his annual job evaluation, President Trump is experiencing a feeling familiar to many Americans – that of whether they will get canned for poor performance on the job. However…