Queen’s Dog Stepping Back From Being A Full-Time Royal Pet
In a further blow to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, one of her dorgis has announced that it intends to redefine its role as a royal pet in order to spend more around public fire…
Critters
Disorganized Cat Not Ready For Weekend
(Pittsburgh, PA) A cat who is said to be ‘very behind on things’ is not ready for the weekend, even though it is already well into Saturday. The cat’s owner, a heavy user of the…
Cats Back Trump After He Accuses Wind Turbines Of Being Biggest Bird Killers
President Trump appears to have won over a new demographic – the nation’s felines – after going on an unhinged rant against wind power and possibly wind itself too. Amidst a torrent of accusations directed…
TIME Magazine Names Smudge The Cat As Its Person Of The Year
Time Magazine has revealed its 2019 Person of the Year, which is a cat for the first time in the publication’s history. Smudge the Cat was picked for numerous contributions throughout the year on important…
Delvin Hodges Practices Duck Calling During Game In Sign Of Growing Confidence
In a sign of his increasing comfort as a starter in the NFL, Pittsburgh Quarterback Delvin Hodges was seen practicising his duck calling during plays in his most recent outing. Hodges said that, though football…
Nation’s Horses Terrified Trump Will Try To Ride Them
The equine population of the United States is said to be highly agitated following the release of picture by North Korean State media showing Kim Jong-un atop a white horse riding through snow-covered mountains. “Nothing…
Donald Trump Jr Deeply Saddened By Elephant Deaths In Thailand “They had so much life to live before I shot them”
News that six wild elephants died at a waterfall in Thailand trying to save one of their number has saddened people the world over, but none more than Presidential son Donald Trump Jr. “It’s such…
Honey Bee Who Narrowly Escaped Notre Dame Fire Dies In Amazon
Hones bees are remembering one of their own today, who they say narrowly escaped the Notre Dame disaster only to be consumed in the raging fires in the Amazon. “He was already pretty disgusted when…
Jared Kushner Hurriedly Rehousing Rodent Tenants Outside Of Baltimore
President Trump’s claim that there are too many rats living in Baltimore hit close to home today, after it came out that close advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner was landlord to many of them. “It’s…
Strongman Putin Confesses He Keeps A Pet Turtle “I call him Mitch”
Russian leader Vladimir Putin is always careful to cultivate his strongman image that plays well in the macho culture in which he operates, but he let the mask slip a little today with the revelation…
Three Rivers Regatta Canceled Due To Heightened Alligator Threat
(Pittsburgh, PA) Sadly the annual Three Rivers Regatta has been canceled this year, much to Pittsburgh’s disappointment. Though initial reports claimed it was due to proper permits not being obtained and a failure to meet…
Mar-a-Lago Rats Invite Baltimore Cousins To Move South Before Winter Sets In
(Palm Beach, FL) Having learned about their existence through the news, the rat population at the Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida today extended an invitation to their Baltimore relatives to come to visit before the brutal…
Local Cat Dismayed To Learn Its Theory Of Gravitation Has Already Been Published
A local cat who had hope to publish a theory of the gravitational force was dismayed to discover it had been beaten to it by a human, Isaac Newton, who published his nearly identical theory…
Lion King Ending Where Trump Brothers Shoot Simba Proving Unpopular
People are flocking in droves to see The Lion King in cinemas, though many audience members are complaining about the ending in which Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. brutally kill Simba on a hunting…
Nation’s Felines Accuse Taylor Swift And Universal Pictures Of Cultural Appropriation
Woke cats across the United States are hissing in anger today following the release of a trailer for a movie by starring Taylor Swift and a host of other well-known humans. “Idris Elba, how could…
Furries Accused Of Cultural Appropriation By Local Wildlife
(Pittsburgh, PA) It’s that time of year when the Steel City hosts the ANTHROCON (aka the Furries Convention) at the David Lawrence Convention Center, which is now an established annual event since first coming here…
McConnell Demands Death Penalty For Florida Woman Who Stomped On Sea Turtle Nests
Mitch McConnell has issued a demand that the death penalty be handed down to a Florida woman accused on stomping on sea turtle nests. “I take this very personally.” The beach where the incident occurred…
Shark Leaders Demand Equal Time On Learning Trump Met With Prince Of Whales
In a tweet defending his right to take advice from foreign nationals, Trump lauded his recent meetings with Queen of England, the Irish Premier, and the Prince of Whales [sic]. The news has been received…
Bear Marching Through Pittsburgh Says It’s Protesting Alligator Immigration
A bear seen parading through Penn Hills and Edgewood has informed local media it’s engaging in a legitimate protest against alligator immigration. It encouraged other area bears to join it in a show of strength…
Family Of Alligators Spotted Eating Primanti’s And Riding Duquesne Incline
The sighting of alligators in the Pittsburgh area continues unabated, with a third alligator sighted in Beechview, and now an entire family seen in the Strip District. Officials say the latest sighting should not be…
