As speechwriters put the final touches on President Trump’s State Of The Union address to be delivered this evening, they were warned to leave enough time for it to be memorized. “His teleprompters, being text-based,…
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Michael Cohen has backed up his decision not to testify due to threats to his family by producing the note that he received. Written in chickenscratch with woeful spelling, Cohen said that made it no…
Proving that it’s simply too harmonious for its own good, the United States is fracturing over the correct way to draw an ‘X’. “I guess this is what happens when a country is so peaceful…
Vice-President Mike Pence has hit back at public criticism of his wife’s decision to work at a school that purposefully excludes LGBTQ students. “People’s lack of tolerance for Mother’s intolerance is outrageous!” Pence was particularly…
A 163-foot yacht worth 40 million dollars that belongs to Education Secretary Betsy DeVos has been damaged after someone set it adrift from its dock and it subsequently collided with nearby structures. The damage due…
Following the release of a report saying that only half of students believe the education they receive will be useful in real life, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos pledged today to improve on that figure. “I’d…
Advocates of arming teachers are claiming victory today, after a teacher in a Northern California school fired his gun inside a classroom, injuring three students. “We started talking about this way back in February and…
News that a teacher opened fire in the classroom at a Dalton High School is just the evidence we need that armed teachers are a great idea, said NRA President Wayne LaPierre this afternoon. “Obviously…
With events having shown that even trained armed deputies are insufficient to tackle the threat to our schools, the Defense Industry has stepped forward with the solution. “No classroom should be without this tank.” Based…
A school shooter who had planned to go nuts sometime in early 2019 is putting his attack on hold after learning about President Trump’s proposed bonus scheme for teachers who arm themselves in the classroom….
President Trump has had his greatest jobs stimulation success to date after saying teachers should be armed in response to the Florida school shooting. The Teachers Union says the response has been incredible. “Usually we…
Speaking at a news conference on Capitol Hill, House Speaker Paul Ryan cautioned against a rush to debate gun control in the aftermath of the shooting that claimed 17 lives at a Florida High School….
Speaking today about the high school shooting in Florida, Marco Rubio rejected calls for taking legislative action in response, especially the idea that banning schools could have prevented it. “Even if we razed every school…
Betsy DeVos learned today that she has not made enough progress to start her second year as Secretary of Education, and will have to retake her first year instead. “Sadly, Ms DeVos did not achieve…
Asked if she thought whether the fall in the Dow Jones Index was a bad reflection on President Trump and his policies, Secretary for Education Betsy DeVos said it only went down if you view…
A significant proportion of the Pitt Student body, who took to Forbes Avenue to celebrate the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory, have been executed for treason in the early hours of this morning. Police held…
The State of the Union address is said to be smashing viewing records everywhere, after a record-breaking ten billion people tuned in according to the President’s twitter account. “Can’t believe everyone on planet Earth and…
(Clarion, PA) Though he swears he never sought the attention, David H******n says he knew it was inevitable that his bizarre habits would bring him national attention one day. “Using a Tide detergent pod to…
The White House took action today against the so-called ‘girther movement’, comprised of people who don’t believe Trump’s reported weight of 239 lbs is correct. “We do not want the girthers gaining credibility which is…
With temperatures stuck in the single digits, Pitt Engineering major Jason Friese said he has been forced to dig through the clothes in his dorm to find the longest pair of shorts he has in…