Pope Francis responded to the continuing crisis of priest sexual abuse in the Catholic Church today, urging his bishops in the United States to offer their very best thoughts and prayers. “Break out the good…
When reporters contacted church leaders about the recently released Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into sexual abuse by priests they expected to find them utterly despondent, but the reality today was quite the opposite. “Only 300?…
In a double whammy for Catholics in the wake of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into priest sexual abuse, God today announced he has finalized the sale of the two-thousand-year-old religion to the Devil. “This…
A ruling by the Supreme Court in favor of a Christian baker who didn’t want to make cakes for same-sex weddings has been vacated by an even higher authority, the Almighty. “Just bake the damn…
In an effort to get ahead of the damaging story enveloping him, God has released a statement regarding his frequent portrayer Morgan Freeman, who stands accused of improper behavior by a number of women. “Despite…
Billy Graham, who has died at the age of 99, was philosophical today after finally getting to meet the person he had devoting his life to promoting. “It’s true what they say – never meet…
A millennial Catholic is warning others to be careful where they get their ashes done after being woefully underwhelmed with the cross she received today at the Immaculate Heart of the Most Blessed Mary of…
Following claims by multiple people, including Omarosa, that ‘Scary’ Mike Pence thinks Jesus is talking to him, the Son of Man himself has weighed in on the matter to make clear he is not giving…
The Vice President has weighed in on the abuse scandal engulfing the White House. While the President was quick to come to former aide Rob Porter’s defense, Pence was far less sympathetic. “This is not…
Having been let go by Breitbart News Network, former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said today that he will be returning to the Underworld rather than trying to find another job here on Earth….
Breaking the usual pattern of remaining above it all, God spoke directly to humanity today about a rise in scam artists preying on people’s religious inclinations. “If you want to give something to charity that’s…
Former U.S. representative Michele Bachmann recently announced she is considering running for Al Franken’s U.S. Senate seat, but must consult with God about it first. When reached for comment, the Almighty confessed he has already…
The mystery of how President Trump could claim a recent Florida rally was “packed to the rafters” despite clear photographic evidence that the crowd was nowhere near capacity was solved today by those present. While…
Saying he wants to update the Lord’s Prayer to make it more relevant to modern people who believe in supernatural beings, Pope Francis is teaming up with singer Eminem to completely rework the lyrics. “8…
Disgraced Hollywood mogul expressed regret today over how he has led his life, saying he is plagued with remorse over not handling things differently. “Why oh why didn’t I jump into Republican politics when I…
(The White House) The celebrity playing Santa Claus this year has been named as singer, songwriter and perennial goth, Marilyn Manson. Though he never considered taking on the role before, Manson says seeing the White…
(Montgomery, AL) In what some of his supporters are describing as caving in to political correctness, US Senate Candidate Roy Moore today pledged to only hit on 15-year-olds if elected. Moore said the change was…
(Pittsburgh, PA) The opening day of deer hunting season is reportedly being complicated by a rash of suicidal deer who have had enough of life in Western Pennsylvania. Some deer watchers say it’s due to…
Insisting that the Christian Right were getting it all wrong, God today issued more commandments in an effort to get the people who claim to be his most vociferous devotees on the proper path. In…
(Pittsburgh, PA) Since being catapulted into the national limelight after allegations surfaced that he had publicly issued pro-life sentiments a week after urging a women he had an affair with to seek an abortion, Pennsylvania…