Trump Demands To Be Kept Fully Informed Of Philadelphia Orphaned Baby Toll
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Politician Who Forgot To Send Thoughts & Prayers Saved By Fact It Makes No Difference
A politician, who asked not to be named, had a moment of panic this week when he realized he wouldn’t be able to let people know he was send ings thoughts and prayers after a…
Republicans Agree To Tighter Controls On Gun Sales In Video Games
Sensing it is finally time for action to combat gun violence, leading Republicans today proposed tighter restrictions on gun sales where they say it matters most – in first player video games. “As the root…
Trump Reassures Anxious Assault Rifles That Everything Will Be Okay
Adopting an uncharacteristic somber tone in light of recent tragedies, President Trump today promised to reach out to all assault rifles in their time of need. “You are probably feeling very vulnerable right now, but…
Mitch McConnell’s Doctor Prescribes Intensive Course Of Thoughts & Prayers To Repair Fractured Shoulder Bone
The physician treating Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for a fractured shoulder bone has spoken to the press about the injury, saying he has prescribed an intensive course of thoughts and prayers. “I ordered him…
Media Agree To Only Cover Every Other Mass Shooting To Give Rest Of News A Chance
The media in the United States today resolved to address a serious problem facing society – how to fit in all the news given the frequency of mass shootings these days. “People expect us to…
Brief Interval Between Shootings Not The Time To Talk About Gun Control Say Republicans
Speaking at a news conference on Capitol Hill today, senior members of the GOP cautioned against a rush to debate gun control in the aftermath of recent events. “The period right after this tragic shooting…
Roy Moore Willing To Listen To Teenage Girls On Gun Control Issue
Saying this is a vital issue on which teenagers should get to speak their mind, prospective two-time U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore offered to hear the other side on gun control today. “Shooters are mostly…
America Unites To Pass Gun Control Measures To Limit Senseless Slaughter Of Its Citizenry
The United States has stolen New Zealand’s thunder when it comes to implementing sensible gun control in a straightforward and expedient matter in stunning fashion. The decision came following an emergency session of both houses…
Thoughts And Prayers Sent To New Zealand Return To US “They’re just banning guns instead”
There is an excess of thoughts and prayers in the United States today, as those sent from here to New Zealand in the wake of the mosque shootings returned unused. “They were very grateful but…
Trump Revokes Gun Ban For Mentally Ill “They deserve protection from psychos and whackjobs too”
(The White House) President Trump has signed an executive order revoking an Obama-era ban on selling guns to the mentally ill. Trump said he was proud to do so to afford them the protection they…
Muslim Terrorists Better Than Ever At Impersonating White Male Christians
As Americans listen to news of yet another mass shooting, a pattern is emerging that is very disturbing. “It seems these pesky Muslims are getting even better at impersonating white male Christians.” Law enforcement’s job…
Rally In Support Of Rights Of Small Penis Owners Held Downtown
(Pittsburgh, PA) Protesters took to the streets of downtown Pittsburgh today in support of the rights of small penis owners, who they say are being targeted unfairly by the Peduto administration. “We have a constitutional…
National Lettuce Association Warns Doctors Who Say E.Coli Causes Illness To “Stay In Your Lane”
Following warnings by health officials to avoid romaine lettuce due to fears of E.coli contamination, the National Lettuce Association (NLA) pushed back today saying they had overstepped their bounds. “How about you stay in your…
NRA Calls For All Americans To Be Granted The Right To Mail Pipe Bombs
Saying all law-abiding Americans have a right to defend themselves, the National Rifle Association has called for changes to the Second Amendment to constitutionally guarantee the right to mail pipe bombs in light of recent…
US Law Enforcement Unimpressed By Saudi Explanation “You simply say he reached for his waistband”
President Trump has indicated he finds the Saudi explanation for the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi credible. But far less impressed are local law enforcement departments across the United States, where the Crown Prince’s account…
Democrats To Help Out Bankrupt NRA By Sending It Millions Of Thoughts And Prayers
The National Rifle Association has announced that it is facing a severe funding crisis and that it may not be able to continue to exist. On hearing the sad news, Democrats across the nation pledged…
South Carolina Congressman Shot 500 Times By Police After Pulling Out Loaded Gun
There were tragic scenes in South Carolina today after Congressman Ralph Norman (R-SC) pulled out a loaded firearm during a constituency meeting about gun violence and was immediately shot dead by police. “It was over…
Laura Ingraham Apologizes For Any Upset She Caused Advertisers
Embattled conservative TV and radio host Laura Ingraham has seen the error of her ways and issued a heartfelt apology over her recent actions. “On reflection, in the spirit of Holy Week, I apologize for…
Gun Ownership Survey Finds Half Of All Small Penises Owned By Just 3% Of Population
A survey of gun owners in the United States, which accounts for just 5% of the world population but a full half of privately owned guns, has revealed some surprising statistics about how guns are…