(Bethesda, MD) Following his second official medical exam on Friday at the Walter Reed Medical Center, President Trump has been given an essentially clean bill of health. The only problem encountered was when a army…
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Internet celebrity Grumpy Cat has revealed in an interview with Hello Magazine that her efforts to improve her mood have resulted in her earning ability disappearing almost overnight. “No-one returns my calls anymore. No-one.” Though…
(Bethesda, MD) Doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center were ordered to practice keeping a straight face today in preparation for the annual physical exam of the President. “Think of the funniest most…
The anti-vaxxer community has been under a lot of pressure lately, given news reports that cases of measles are on the rise across the country. But they found a new champion today in the form…
After noticing the large burger orders they received for the Clemson football team’s visit to the White House were placed as recurring daily orders, the major fast food outlets called today to confirm it was…
The winning Clemson football team may never see a successful season again, after a team doctor diagnosed all the players with rapid onset diabetes earlier today. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” In addition, the…
(Louisville, KY) The family of Mitch McConnell announced today that he has been tragically afflicted by an acute illness that prevents him from seeing or hearing anything at all. “No matter how urgent a matter…
A team of factcheckers assigned to cover President Trump’s national address on Tuesday underwent final medical examinations today according to the major networks. A spokesperson for National Association of Factcheckers said this was crucial to…
(1st January, 2019) Friends and family paid testament to local man Eric Kopach’s determination and will power today, urging him not to think of his New Year’s resolution to live a healthier lifestyle made the…
Following warnings by health officials to avoid romaine lettuce due to fears of E.coli contamination, the National Lettuce Association (NLA) pushed back today saying they had overstepped their bounds. “How about you stay in your…
(New York, NY) At least 30 foreign Presidents and Prime Ministers have been hospitalized after falling into uncontrollable fits of laughter at the United Nations building in the city. The incident is being blamed on…
(JFK Airport) A second plane at JFK airport full of sick passengers caused authorities to consider quarantine yet again today. “Tensions were high after the Emirates incident so when we received reports of a planeload…
Amazon has announced its expansion into the field of obstetrics, and says it intends to become a one-stop-shop for those giving birth. CEO Jeff Bezos said the new service, called Prime Baby, should be up…
Details are emerging about the trials and tribulations of the First Lady’s recent medical incident in which she had an operation performed on her kidney at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. She learned…
President Trump has announced he will regrettably not be able to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner this year. The White House said the President was very keen to be present, but has been prevented…
Following Rick Santorum’s claim that a student’s best response to classroom gun violence is to shut-up and learn CPR, the American Heart Association has revised its guidelines for high school students: STEP ONE: PREVENTION. Since…
Authorities are warning of an expected crime wave related to the illegal ice cream trade, after Kellyanne Conway let slip that it was more potent than heroin and other opioids. “If you’re caught selling it…
(The White House) Staff from the White House Medical Unit (WHMU) were called to the Oval Office today to check on President Trump after he went a full five minutes without saying anything even mildly…
As she continues to seek a way out of the hush agreement constraining her, Stormy Daniels explained today that her wish to be legally allowed to discuss her involvement with President Trump is not motivated…
Far from eliciting the usual groans of disapproval, President Trump’s latest impulsive statement, calling for the death penalty for those responsible for America’s drug problems, is being very well received. “Executing the Pharma CEOs behind…