After years of holding the honor of being the top object of the wrath of real Pittsburgers, Mayor Peduto’s bike lanes have been dislodged from their pedastal by a Google engineer writing in Public Source,…
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(Pittsburgh, PA) In a tragic story, a local man learned his New Year’s Resolution is on life support today in the ICU of West Penn hospital in Bloomfield. He is said to be extremely distraught,…
With many trying to keep to New Year’s resolutions to better their lives, a local piece of exercise equipment hopes to break out of the closet for the first time since being placed there during…
The White House has confirmed that President Trump will undergo a medical evaluation this coming week to address concerns that he has health problems. The thorough physical will be performed by a Dr. Nicholas Riviera….
The physician treating Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for a fractured shoulder bone has spoken to the press about the injury, saying he has prescribed an intensive course of thoughts and prayers. “I ordered him…
(DMZ, Korean Peninsula) President Trump has commended his new Press Secretary, Stephanie Grisham, for showing she had the right stuff during a scuffle with North Korean security agents in which she received bruises. He added…
Just weeks after President Trump alerted the public to the terrible scourge of windmill cancer threatening the nation, scientists at the National Institutes of Health have announced they have found a cure that works with…
Social media is being flooded with pictures of President Trump with Florida businesswoman ‘Cindy’, the founder of the massage parlor in which Patriots owner Robert Kraft was busted. This has led to questions of whether…
Local officials arranging President Trump’s visit to the country of Vietnam this week for his summit with Kim Jong-un have contacted US authorities to assure them there will be very little walking that could aggravate…
(Bethesda, MD) Following his second official medical exam on Friday at the Walter Reed Medical Center, President Trump has been given an essentially clean bill of health. The only problem encountered was when a army…
Internet celebrity Grumpy Cat has revealed in an interview with Hello Magazine that her efforts to improve her mood have resulted in her earning ability disappearing almost overnight. “No-one returns my calls anymore. No-one.” Though…
(Bethesda, MD) Doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center were ordered to practice keeping a straight face today in preparation for the annual physical exam of the President. “Think of the funniest most…
The anti-vaxxer community has been under a lot of pressure lately, given news reports that cases of measles are on the rise across the country. But they found a new champion today in the form…
After noticing the large burger orders they received for the Clemson football team’s visit to the White House were placed as recurring daily orders, the major fast food outlets called today to confirm it was…
The winning Clemson football team may never see a successful season again, after a team doctor diagnosed all the players with rapid onset diabetes earlier today. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” In addition, the…
(Louisville, KY) The family of Mitch McConnell announced today that he has been tragically afflicted by an acute illness that prevents him from seeing or hearing anything at all. “No matter how urgent a matter…
A team of factcheckers assigned to cover President Trump’s national address on Tuesday underwent final medical examinations today according to the major networks. A spokesperson for National Association of Factcheckers said this was crucial to…
(1st January, 2019) Friends and family paid testament to local man Eric Kopach’s determination and will power today, urging him not to think of his New Year’s resolution to live a healthier lifestyle made the…
Following warnings by health officials to avoid romaine lettuce due to fears of E.coli contamination, the National Lettuce Association (NLA) pushed back today saying they had overstepped their bounds. “How about you stay in your…
(New York, NY) At least 30 foreign Presidents and Prime Ministers have been hospitalized after falling into uncontrollable fits of laughter at the United Nations building in the city. The incident is being blamed on…