Health

Health, Politics September 19, 2017

John Kelly Treated For Side Effects Of Too Much Facepalming

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly had to excuse himself briefly today to receive treatment for a facial rash, which medical staff determined was the result of excessive facepalming. “The skin eventually becomes irritated…

Bigotry, Health, Politics August 15, 2017

White House Calls For Free Healthcare To Deal With Epidemic Of Right Shoulder Pain

In a startling about-face, the White House has dropped its opposition to any form of socialized medicine and is now advocating for a pilot program specifically aimed at musculoskeletal ailments. The President was moved to…

Health, Law & Order August 4, 2017

Judge To Hike Pharma Bro’s Recommended Sentence To 70,000 Years

‘Pharma bro’ Martin Shkreli was found guilty of securities fraud today, but escaped conviction on a number of charges, leading him to declare this a victory. With sentencing to follow, Shkreli could face up to…

Health, Politics July 28, 2017

Barack Obama Placed In Medically Induced Coma In Attempt To Quell Laughing Fit

Former President Barack Obama is undergoing round the clock care to treat a life-threatening condition as a result of laughing so hard it could kill him. The medical emergency started at approximately 2am on Friday…

Health, Politics July 24, 2017

Republicans Interrupt McCain’s Medical Care So They Can Interrupt More People’s Medical Care

John McCain may have just undergone surgery related to his highly aggressive cancer diagnosis, but that didn’t stop Republicans leaning on him to see if his head incision has healed enough to withstand hours in…

Health, Politics, Sports July 24, 2017

Female GOP Senators Challenge Texas Congressman To Anything Involving Exercise

Blake Farenthold, a Republican Congressman from Texas, is making headlines after saying it’s ‘absolutely repugnant’ that ‘some female senators from the Northeast’ were able to stall GOP efforts to repeal Obamacare. Farenthold went on to…

Health July 22, 2017

State Of New Jersey Raises Smoking Age To 21 Months

Republican Governor Chris Christie has signed a bill raising the minimum age to buy tobacco products in the state of New Jersey to 21 months, up from the previous threshold of 19 months. The move,…

Health, Politics, Science July 20, 2017

John McCain’s Cancer Devastated To Learn He Has Excellent Medical Insurance

People of all political stripes were saddened this week to learn that Arizona Senator John McCain has brain cancer, following reports that he has already undergone surgery to remove a mass that was causing problems….

Health, Politics July 10, 2017

Trump Diagnosed With Exhaustion And Prescribed 3 1/2 Years Bedrest

Following his return from the G20 meeting during which he often appeared distracted, doctors have diagnosed President Trump with clinical exhaustion and prescribed total bedrest without interruption. “For not a day less than 3 and…

Bigotry, Health, Politics June 30, 2017

Trump Shames Other Republicans By Showing Interest In The Health Of At Least Two Women

Following his twitter attack on cable network host Mika Brzezinski, women’s group have praised President Trump’s acknowledgment of their health issues while a group of all-male Senators seek to slash medical benefits with no concerns…

Health, Politics June 29, 2017

Polio Charity To Take Back Mitch McConnell’s Legs That His Family Didn’t Pay For

A polio charity in Georgia that provided years of treatment to Mitch McConnell as a toddler, sparing him from paralysis, has announced it will be taking back his legs. Though not government funded, the charity…

Health, Politics June 27, 2017

Mitch McConnell Delays Vote On Healthcare Bill So He Can Add More Heart To It

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell has announced a delay in voting on the Senate American Healthcare Act which will now take place after the holiday. Despite rumors it was because he didn’t have the votes,…

Arts & Entertainment, Health, TV May 25, 2017

Traumatized Twin Peaks Viewing Party Still In Critical Condition

A Twin Peaks viewing party is still in critical condition a week after the fateful airing of the 2-hour episode “The Return”. The party began innocently enough with fresh-brewed coffee and cherry pie on hand,…

Food, Health, Local, Sports May 5, 2017

Man Comes Tantalizingly Close To Completing Pittsburgh Marathon Entry Form

The Pittsburgh Marathon is on and for Sam Cutter from Friendship this was supposed to be the day he completed one of his life goals. “I really thought this would be the year.” In the…

Election2016, God Stuff, Health, Politics May 4, 2017

God Reminds Republicans That His Prayer-Based Healthcare Plans Are Shit

Given Republican moves to repeal Obama’s Affordable Care Act, God issued a rare public statement today to remind everyone that the healthcare plans he offers are no substitute for the coverage Obamacare has been providing…

Arts & Entertainment, Election2016, Health, TV April 25, 2017

Scott Baio Miraculously Finds Way To Make People Hate Him Even More

In a feat no-one could have foreseen, Happy Days actor Scott Baio has somehow managed the seemingly impossible – making people hate him even more than they already did. After diving into the 2016 election…

Business, Election2016, Health, Politics April 12, 2017

CDC Warns Foot In Mouth Disease Is Spreading Like Wildfire Across United States

(Atlanta, GA) The Centers For Disease control has issued a warning that an epidemic of Foot in Mouth disease has broken out across the Unites States. Unlike the more common foot and mouth disease that…

Election2016, Health, Politics March 25, 2017

Reservists Called Up To Help With Wave Of Obamacare Explosions About To Sweep Nation

With the America Health Care Act a failure, President Trump took to twitter to directly alert the public to the explosive danger Obamacare now posed. Asked if he was speaking metaphorically, Trump confirmed the worst….