Satan Self-Isolating After Coronavirus Strikes Hades
In Underworld news, Satan has announced he will not be fomenting evil in the hearts and minds of living souls for the next 14 days as he will be self-isolating out of an ‘abundance of…
Health
Biden Eradicates Windmill Cancer In Massive Win For New President
President Biden today revealed he has succeeded in achieving a massive accomplishment after completely eradicating a deadly cancer that was plaguing the United States. “President Trump repeatedly warned us about the terrible scourge of windmill…
Biden Explains Why His Plan To Disinfect White House Is So Good “We started working on it long before COVID was a thing”
President-elect Biden received high praise today for his comprehensive plan to disinfect the White House, with many commending his team on developing such a well-thought-out plan so quickly. However Biden, who is known to be…
Biden Nominates Tom Cruise To Be His Social Distancing Enforcement Czar
President-elect Joe Biden announced another cabinet-level nomination today, that of actor Tom Cruise to the newly created post of COVID-19 Guidelines Enforcement Czar. “With Tom’s help and extreme passion, we are going to kick this…
Giuliani Vows To Overturn Positive COVID Test In Court “I have affidavits!”
Following the revelation by President Trump that Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19, the former mayor of New York City is refusing to concede to the pandemic virus and has vowed to overturn the…
White House Confirms President Trump To Undergo Televised Medical Exam On The Simpsons Tonight
The White House has confirmed that President Trump will undergo a medical evaluation live on television tonight to address concerns that he has continued health problems associated with his COVID-19 infection. The thorough physical will…
Pence Feeling Left Out Of Trump Administration Because He Doesn’t Have COVID
Vice President Mike Pence was reported to be feeling ‘in the dumps’ today following his inability to become infected with the novel coronavirus as his boss and most of the administration already have. “He just…
White House To Instead Release Names Of Those Who Don’t Have COVID-19 Going Forward
(The White House) In a bid to save everyone’s time, the White House has announced that, going forward, it will update the media with the names of people working there who aren’t actively fighting a…
Steroid-Induced Psychosis In Uphill Struggle With Trump’s Many Other Psychoses
MEDICAL BRIEF: As the public wonder about the side effects of President Trump’s medications – particularly the known tendency of high-dose steroids like the dexamethasone he is taking to cause, aggression, delirium and delusions of…
Trump Promises Greatest COVID Death World Has Ever Seen
(Bethesda, MD) Following a brief car journey to wave to his supporters outside the Walter Reed National Military Hospital where he is in residence, President Trump took to twitter tonight to reassure them he will…
Kim Jong-un Offers Dr. Sean Conley Position As Head Of North Korean State Media
(Pyongyang, DPRK) After seeing him give an update on President Trump’s condition, Kim Jong-un today extended an invitation to Dr. Sean Conley to head up the State Media apparatus of the nation he rules with…
Mitch McConnell Tests Positive For Evil
Senator Mitch McConnell has announced he has received a serious diagnosis, following President Trump’s revelation that he has tested positive for the coronavirus and has experienced symptoms. “I too have been informed that I am…
Dr. Fauci Hospitalized With Acute Facepalming Syndrome
The face of the coronavirus task force, Dr. Anthony Fauci, has been hospitalized after suffering a severe outbreak of facepalming syndrome, it was revealed today. Though Dr. Fauci developed the debilitating condition earlier this year,…
CDC Reverses Its Position On Germ Theory Of Disease
(Atlanta, GA) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, following guidance from the Trump administration, has announced it is reversing its longstanding support of the Germ Theory of Disease, which maintains that microorganisms known as…
Struggling Mom & Pop Stores Hopeful Herd Mentality Will Eradicate Targets Over Time
As they continue to fight to stay above water in these difficult economic times, struggling Mom & Pop stores across the country found hope in President Trump’s Town Hall answers Tuesday night when he touted…
“I didn’t want to create panic” Says President Who Tweets Constantly About MS-13 And Caravans Of Rapists
Faced with incontrovertible evidence that he knowingly downplayed the seriousness of the Coronvirus pandemic, President Trump today explained why he misled the American public about the danger it posed. “I can’t bear the thought of…
Local Livestock Respond To Wendy Bell Calling Mask Wearers Sheeple “What a dumb baa-aaa-aaa-tch”
Leading Pennsylvania wool producers took issue today with Wendy Bell’s use of the derogatory term ‘sheeple’, which implies that sheep are blind followers that are easily manipulated rather than intelligent mammals who know when to…
Trump Claims Victory In Convention Speech Infection Ratings
Faced with inescapable evidence that more people watched Joe Biden accept his party’s nomination, President Trump nevertheless today claimed victory in the number of new Coronavirus infections his speech inspired. “We left Sleepy Joe back…
Putin Stuns World Again With Announcement of Approved Vaccine For Windmill Cancer
(Moscow, CIS) Mere days after his announcement that Russia had approved a vaccine for COVID-19 in record time, Vladimir Putin today revealed he had done it again, in this case developing a vaccine that prevents…
Putin Warns That Side Effects Of Questioning His COVID-19 Vaccine’s Safety May Include Death
Vladimir Putin today declared that his COVID-19 vaccine – which gained the approval of authorities in record time – has no bad side effects, though he emphasized that the same cannot be said of questioning…
