Mitch McConnell Tests Positive For Evil
Senator Mitch McConnell has announced he has received a serious diagnosis, mere hours after fellow Senator Rand Paul said he has tested positive for the coronavirus. “I have been informed that I am not well.”…
Health
Dior And Louis Vuitton Debut Hand Sanitizers In Closed-Door Show
FASHION BRIEF: (Paris, France) Mere weeks after committing to aid in the fight against the coronavirus pandemic, the fashion houses of Louis Vuitton and Christian Dior held a closed-door show today to debut their hotly…
Dr. Fauci Starts Wearing Straitjacket To Avoid Facepalming Whenever Trump Speaks
Saying he didn’t want people to be alarmed, Dr Fauci reassured the public today that his appearance in a straitjacket does not mean he has gone insane. “Despite that being a perfectly understandable response to…
CDC Warns Of Growing Risk Of COVID-19 Transmission Due To Facepalming
(Atlanta, GA) The Centers for Disease Control expressed concern today about the growing potential for COVID-19 transmission presented by facepalming, which they say is dramatically on the rise. Models suggest this could lead to a…
FDA Preemptively Warns Standing On Your Head Doesn’t Cure Coronavirus Before Trump Says It Does
MEDICAL BRIEF: The FDA today warned the public that standing on your head does not eliminate the coronavirus infection, so matter how long you do it for. The agency charged with drug approval says it was…
Senator Burr To Be Dunked In Vat Of Coronavirus And Left To Die To Boost Public Morale
The American people had some cause for celebration today with news that Senate Intelligence Committee chair Richard Burr – who sold off large stock holdings before the crash while assuring the public everything was under…
Governor Of Florida Redeems Himself With Plan To Execute Springbreakers Once They’ve Had Their Fun
(Tallahassee , FL) The Governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis, is getting flak for refusing to close the state’s beaches, which are currently host to hordes of spring breakers who could care less about the coronavirus….
Spanish Flu Renamed The Kansas Pigf**ker Virus In Line With Trump Administration Guidelines
The scientific community has announced it is changing how it refers to the 1918 Spanish flu virus. Researchers point out that the infamous plague did not originate in Spain, which only became associated with the…
Melania To Educate Public On Social Distancing Using Marriage As Example
The White House has announced that First Lady Melania Trump will create a Public Service Announcement on how to avoid the coronavirus. We have obtained a copy of the script. SCENE: The beautiful Melania looks…
Symantec Reports Huge Uptick In Norton AntiVirus Sales Driven By Trump Supporters
TECH BRIEF: Despite the economic slowdown, malware protection company Symantec today reported sales figures of their Norton AntiVirus product are through the roof thanks to Trump supporters. “They’re smart enough to realize that the coronavirus…
Man Working From Home Due To Coronavirus Implements Generous Masturbation Break Policy
Like many non-essential workers, local data scientist Greg Pistella has been ordered to work from home as part of the effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus. Used to being in an open-plan office environment,…
Trump Says Nation May Have To Play Along With Hoax Until July Or August
Despite initially saying that the coronavirus was a hoax that would go away quickly, President Trump has revealed that he now believes this is a long-term hoax. “As hoaxes go this is a big one,…
Lab That Performed Trump’s Coronavirus Test Discovers 5 New STDs
The laboratory that performed the analysis of President Trump’s coronavirus test – which turned out to be negative – today announced a set of major new findings that threatens to turn the field of sexually…
Trump Under Pressure To Release Strategic Toilet Paper Reserve
Calls for the President to alleviate the desperate shortage of Charmin and Angel Soft by tapping the strategic toilet paper reserve reached fever pitch today. The reserve was created during the heights of the Cold…
Coronavirus Thanks Trump For Poorly-Thought-Out Travel Ban “I owe you a solid”
During one of its daily briefings on the progress it has made infecting the American Public, the coronavirus today paid tribute to President Trump for his abruptly implemented ill-conceived travel ban that has led to…
Pittsburghers Flock To South Side To Celebrate Arrival Of Coronavirus
NEWS BRIEF: Bar owners on the South Side are breathing a huge sigh of relief tonight as tills are ringing after all. With the St. Patrick’s Day parade cancelled, revellers were planning to not bother…
Task Force Gives Update On Efforts To Contain Criticism Of President Trump
At his latest press conference, coronavirus task force leader Mike Pence has given an update on the measures taken to contain the spread of criticism of President Trump “We’ve made some great advances in generating…
Coronavirus Having Crisis Of Confidence After Learning Trump Thinks It’s No Big Deal
President Trump is being hailed today for his successful strategy of stopping the spread of the coronavirus in the United States by attacking the pathogen’s sense of self-worth. Medical experts say they have no scientific…
Area Schools Explain Staying Open Despite Pandemic “There haven’t been any mild snow flurries yet”
(Pittsburgh, PA) The St. Patricks Day’s Parade and the Pens game have been cancelled and the campuses of Pitt, CMU, Duquesne, Chatham, and Point Park will be devoid of students for the rest of the…
White House Working Nonstop To Find Way To Blame Crashing Markets On Obama
The corridors were buzzing in the White House today following President Trump’s address to the country on the coronavirus outbreak. With the markets again in free-fall over concerns about the administration’s response, Trump demanded a…