President Trump Decides To Just Give Your Cash For Christmas
Saying he was far too busy running the country to find time to get to the mall, President Trump told his reflection in the mirror that his Christmas present to himself would have to be…
Holidays
White House Lawn Chairs Loving Trump’s Presidency “We’ve never had it so easy!”
Amidst all the criticism of the Trump Administration, there is one group that can’t sing its praises enough – the White House event foldable lawn chairs. “Normally I’d have a sweaty ass parked on top…
Marilyn Manson Announced As White House Celebrity Santa Claus
(The White House) The celebrity playing Santa Claus this year has been named as singer, songwriter and perennial goth, Marilyn Manson. Though he never considered taking on the role before, Manson says seeing the White…
Sequel To ‘The Shining’ To Be Filmed In White House Over Christmas Holiday
The mystery of why the White House Christmas décor looks so cold and ominous was answered today with news that a sequel to Stanley Kubrick’s horror masterpiece ‘The Shining’ is set there. “We’ll actually be…
Pittsburgh To Just Have Round The Clock Fireworks From Now On
As Pittsburghers enjoyed yet another fireworks show today for one reason or another, or perhaps no reason at all, Mayor Peduto announced that the City will be having fireworks round the clock from now on….
Trump To Forgo Thanksgiving Pardons “I Like Turkeys Who Weren’t Captured”
When asked to comment on the time-honored Presidential tradition of pardoning turkeys before Thanksgiving, President Donald Trump surprised reporters today when he didn’t respond with a bad pun as is typical of these occasions –…
Pittsburgh City Council Passes Trick-Or-Treat Bill Of Rights Just In Time For Halloween
With Halloween fast approaching, City Council has passed the first Trick-Or-Treat Bill Of Rights to govern activities that occur on October 31st. It is expected that other cities will follow Pittsburgh’s lead and adopt similar…
Confederacy-Loving Racist Uncle Fears He’s Going To Be Taken Down This Thanksgiving
A local man who does not wished to be named has said his turkey dinner may be the latest victim of Trump’s Presidency – which he enthusiastically supported until now. This is because he is…
Proud Father Can Picture Son Investigating An Incompetent President One Day
Local family man Tom Nowak couldn’t hold back the tears when seven-year-old son David said he wanted to made him proud one day. “My boy plans to get into the White House to investigate whatever…
Trump Remembers Personal Vietnam By Visiting Grave Of The Unknown Syphilitic
Following the release of a CDC report that STDs are at an all-time high, President Trump took time today to remember the fallen of his own Personal Vietnam, which was spent avoiding sexually transmitted diseases…
Relief As Sean Spicer Makes It Through Children’s Story Without Invoking Hitler
There were widespread sighs of relief at the White House Easter Egg Roll today after gaffe-prone spokesman Sean Spicer made it all the way through “How To Catch The Easter Bunny” without becoming an apologist…
Trump Touts Huge Showing Of Support By Young People At White House
(Easter Monday) President Trump boasted today of a huge showing of support for his administration by young people who held a rally on the White House grounds. “Young people are the future, and judging by…
Pope Francis Wows Faithful With Star-Studded Easter Mass Complete With Laser Show
(Vatican City) Further bolstering his reputation as the hippest leader of the Catholic Church since Boniface III, Pope Francis rocked St. Peter’s Square this Easter with a Mass that will surely go down as one…
President Trump: Nobody Knew Easter Egg Rolls Could Be So Complicated
“I have to tell you, it’s an unbelievably complex subject.” So said President Trump today in response to a question on how arrangements for the traditional White House Easter Egg Roll were progressing. “Nobody knew…
Jesus Sick Of Being Reminded Of Bad Time In His Life
With Easter ceremonies about to take place in churches across the country, Jesus Christ said today he couldn’t keep quiet any longer about this tasteless tradition of celebrating one of the worst times in his…
Millions Of Cases Of Irish Flu To Be Tragically Wasted On A Sunday This Year
It’s St. Patrick’s Day – a time to celebrate all that is Irish that involves drinking like there’s no tomorrow. But there is a bitter side to this year’s fun since it falls on a…
United States And Ireland Officially At War Over ‘Despicable Pint’ Incident
The international community is in shock at the news that the Republic of Ireland and the United States of America are at war after Paul Ryan held up a pathetic glass of ‘Guinness’ with barely…
Saint Patrick Prepares For Annual Shame Of Being Patron Of Drunk People Everywhere
While silently hoping that this year might be different, Saint Patrick is mentally steeling himself to witness the multifarious acts of drunkenness and debauchery that will soon be done in his name. “Why couldn’t I…
Pi Day Enthusiasts Embark On #RegretWeek And #PrivateShameMonth
Observers of Pi Day across the country have bid it farewell for another year. For the uninitiated, Pi Day is celebrated on March 14 in acknowledgment of the special mathematical number. Adherents typically do not…
Any Old Crap Expected To Be A Big Hit In Restaurants This Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is a time when restaurants are full with love-struck and not so love-struck couples out for a fine meal. With this not being any ordinary day, restaurateurs says tastes are different than usual,…
