Holidays

Business, Holidays, Technology November 28, 2016

Office Worker’s Cyber Monday Shopping Causing Him To Fall Behind In Fantasy Football

(Pittsburgh, PA) Paul DeFries is glad to be an office worker in the age of the internet, as it allows him to get some Christmas shopping done on the sly this Cyber Monday while at…

Holidays, Politics, Uncategorized November 24, 2016

President-Elect Trump Pens Special Thanksgiving Day Poem For America

President-elect Donald Trump has sent America a special Thanksgiving Day Poem. So nice! I’m going to be Prez Thank you for that It wasn’t the plan But then came the hat I like carving turkey…

Food, Health, Holidays, Science November 23, 2016

Health Officials Warn Serving Turducken On Thanksgiving Poses Severe Risk Of Being A Redneck

Out of concern for public health as well as the public good in general, Government officials have cautioned people against serving ‘turducken’ this Thanksgiving. They are concerned that the hen-inside-a-duck-inside-a-turkey is so dense, with no…

Holidays, Literary, Parenting October 31, 2016

Precocious Trick-Or-Treater Learns Not Every Adult Knows Who Truman Capote Is

Four-year-old child prodigy Edward Sears, an avid reader from Swissvale with an IQ estimated to be in the mid 200s, always makes things interesting for his parents, but especially so at Halloween. They freely admit…

Holidays, Politics August 6, 2016

Joint Chiefs Present Obama With His Very Own Drone For 55th Birthday

[The White House] News has leaked about the celebrations that were held for Barack Obama’s 55th birthday, which was his last one as President. Obama was particularly touched by the actions of the Joint Chiefs…

Holidays, Local, Sports August 6, 2016

‘Dumpster Pool Masterclass’ A Big Hit At Pittsburgh’s Three Rivers Regatta

The spotlight may be on F1 speedboats, 90s’ indie rockers Better Than Ezra & Gin Blossoms, and the Prince Fireworks tribute set to close the event, but organizers of Pittsburgh’s Three Rivers Regatta say there’s…

Holidays, Politics, World July 17, 2016

Turkish Coup Plotters Condemned To Life In The Poconos In Harsh Crackdown

[Ankara, Turkey] Authoritarian Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan is expected to come down harshly on the organizers of the failed coup to depose him. But the ruthless leader is reportedly not satisfied with executing them,…

Gun Control, Holidays, Local July 5, 2016

Pittsburgh’s Fourth Of July Downtown Shooting Interrupted By Fireworks

A Fourth of July shooting in Downtown Pittsburgh has been tragically interrupted by an outbreak of fireworks. Police say nobody has been arrested in connection with the incident yet but they are following a tip…

Critters, Holidays July 4, 2016

Badass Raccoon Says Bring On The Noisy Fireworks This Fourth Of July

If July 4th means anything to you, it’s probably the deep respect it inspires in you for this great nation FIREWORKS! Fireworks not only look fantastic, they also make a boatload of noise, which is…

Business, Holidays, Society April 30, 2016

‘Mother’s Day A Commercial Gimmick’ Says Son Who Forgot To Send Card

Pitt Student Jake Roland may not be the most political person on campus, but you wouldn’t know it this Mother’s Day, for which he forgot to send a card this year. Suddenly displaying anti-capitalist principles…

Election2016, Holidays, Politics April 1, 2016

Republican Party Reveals Its Primary Process Was A Giant April Fools’ Prank

In one of the most ambitious and elongated April Fools’ pranks ever attempted, the GOP has revealed that it’s entire primary process to date has been a hilarious send-up, according to a tweet by party…

Food, Holidays, Parenting, Society March 28, 2016

PEZ Easter Egg Hunt Debacle Means We Should All Kill Ourselves Says Ethics Professor

[Cambridge, MA] A Harvard Professor of Ethics, who achieved fame with his theory that altruistic traits differentiate us from animals, has abruptly changed his optimistic thesis about humanity in the wake of an Easter Egg…

God Stuff, Holidays, TV March 26, 2016

Jesus Almost Appears In The Flesh Again But Changes Mind At Last Minute

Popular deity Jesus Christ almost reappeared in human form this Easter, only to refrain from making himself flesh and blood at the last minute. The idea started when a woman from Tennessee prayed to Jesus…

Bigotry, Holidays, Law & Order, World March 17, 2016

American Tourist Charged With Hate Crime For Wearing Leprechaun Outfit

(Dublin, Ireland) An American man visiting Dublin – who cannot be named for legal reasons – has been arrested in the Temple Bar area of the city on suspicion of committing hate crimes against the…

Holidays, World March 16, 2016

Irish Government To Replace Entire Citizenry With St. Patrick’s Day Revelers From USA

The head of the Irish Government, Enda Kenny, unveiled a bold initiative today to improve the supposed dire condition of the Irish Republic while he was making the traditional annual visit to present the U.S….

Holidays, Law & Order, Society March 12, 2016

Pittsburgh Drug Dealer Shares Secret For Shifting Product On St. Patrick’s Day

Today Pittsburgh hosts the second largest St. Patrick’s Day parade in the country. The green beer will be a’flowin, in Market Square and all along the South Side. But it doesn’t end there according to…

Holidays, Sex February 14, 2016

Determined Male Finds Valentine’s Card That Reflects His Emotionally Stunted Personality

For Shaler resident Eric Shiffer, Valentine’s Day is a time of many hardships. But nothing poses a challenge quite like that of picking a suitable Valentine’s Day Card. Like many of his kind, the right…

Health, Holidays December 25, 2015

Family Place Bets On Exact Moment Drunk Uncle Will Ruin Christmas

The Lucas family have always had conflicted memories of Christmas Day, due to Mr. Lucas’s brother, once a writer of considerable promise, who would always show up with a merry disposition that turned exceedingly sour…

God Stuff, Holidays December 25, 2015

Staunch Atheist Refuses To Celebrate Christmas Except Maybe A Little

For people like Mark Huffman, Christmas is a time of year no different than any other. This is because Mark is a resolute atheist who believes Jesus and religion should have no place in his…

Holidays, Parenting, Politics, World December 5, 2015

Local Boy’s Christmas List To Consist Entirely Of Security Upgrades For Existing Toys

Retailers have warned there may be shortages this season as an unprecedented number of Christmas Lists are focused on security-related upgrades to existing toy collections. Such is the case for Tommy Duncan aged 4 of…

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Breaking Burgh

A satirical blog serving Western Pennsylvania and beyond