Pope Francis Orders Clergy To Give Up Altar Boys For Lent
Proving that he is a man of action and not just words, Pope Francis has taken a bold step towards reform in the wake of overwhelming evidence of the extent of sexual abuse of minors…
Law & Order
Child Abusing Vatican Treasurer Sentenced To Being Treasurer Of Less Important Diocese
Having been found guilty of child sex abuse, Vatican Treasurer Cardinal Pell is to be severely punished by the Catholic Church for his crimes, a spokesperson for Pope Francis said today. “Cardinal Pell will be…
R Kelly Advised By Counsel To Learn How To Urinate Properly ASAP
Having been indicated on ten counts of sexual abuse, lawyers for R Kelly are wasting no time preparing their client for the rigors of serving a prison term. “You need to learn how to relieve…
Trump Demands Wall Funding Following Beating By Mexican Brothers Wearing MS-13 Hats
President Trump has demanded that Democrats rally round and immediately fully fund his border wall, after he says he was attacked today as a direct result of their negligance. “Two ripped Mexicans – I believe…
Trump Declares Plumbing Emergency After Everyone In White House Loses Bowel Control
President Trump has declared a plumbing emergency in the White House, freeing up federal funds to pay the best available plumbers to fix old and leaking pipes. “They cannot withstand this level of use.” The…
El Chapo Offers To Build Border Wall Out Of Hash Bricks
Taking his cue from Ted Cruz’s suggestion that his assets be used to pay for the border wall, convicted criminal El Chapo said that was unfeasible but he has an even better idea. “Why not…
Trump Promises To Make Crime Illegal
In yet another move receiving overwhelming approval from his base, President Trump has pledged to make all crime illegal by the end of the year. “Crime is wrong. So wrong. Which is why I plan…
Trump’s Guests for Congressional Address Include Crime Victims & Border Wall Section
Following a divisive shutdown, President Trump promised to deliver a State Of The Union address focused on unity for a change. As is customary at these events, the White House announced the guests in attendance,…
Justice Kavanaugh Advises Ralph Northam To Produce Calendar Proving He Was Elsewhere When Racist Photo Was Taken
Embattled Virginia Governor Ralph Northam now has a strong ally fighting his corner as he resists calls to step down in light of a racist 1984 yearbook photo in which he was either they guy…
Dedicated Prison Facility Under Construction To House Trump Associates
The Federal Bureau of Prisons has announced it is constructing a new facility near Washington, DC, to house all the associates of the President expected to soon be in their care. “The current system can…
Muslim Terrorists Better Than Ever At Impersonating White Male Christians
As Americans listen to news of yet another mass shooting, a pattern is emerging that is very disturbing. “It seems these pesky Muslims are getting even better at impersonating white male Christians.” Law enforcement’s job…
Time-Traveling Rudy Giuliani Demands To Know What The F**k Happened?
A young Rudy Giuliani time traveling from late 1980s stopped by to check in on his 74-year-old self today, hoping to find himself basking in the glow of his former achievements. Young Giuliani was pleased…
Hillary Says Ivanka Is Welcome To The Top Bunk In Their Prison Cell
Hillary Clinton was in a generous mood today as she offered Presidential First Daughter Ivanka Trump the top bunk bed when they are both incarcerated for using private email accounts to conduct government business. “She’s…
US Law Enforcement Unimpressed By Saudi Explanation “You simply say he reached for his waistband”
President Trump has indicated he finds the Saudi explanation for the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi credible. But far less impressed are local law enforcement departments across the United States, where the Crown Prince’s account…
Saudis Reveal Death Of Journalist Was Just A Body Slam Gone Wrong
The Government of Saudi Arabia has abruptly changed its story about the disappearance of U.S. resident and Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, confirming that his death was their responsibility after all. “He had been causing…
Trump Says Saudis Killing White House Press Corps Deserve Presumption Of Innocence
President Trump has called for people not to rush to judgement after his press conference was interrupted by a Saudi delegation that dismembered and beheaded a significant fraction of the White House press corps. “Just…
Mitch McConnell’s Body Found Under Pile Of Walkers After Threatening Social Security
A day after threatening to raid Social Security to pay for the deficit run up by tax cuts for the rich, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell’s battered body has been found under a large pile…
Justice Kavanaugh Celebrates First Day On Supreme Court By Raising 28 Glasses
After an uneventful first day on the US Supreme Court, Justice Brett Kavanaugh celebrated today with those that he loves most in the world, a selection of high quality craft beers. “To all those who…
Buoyant President Promises To Get Suspected Murderer On The Supreme Court Next Time
After thoroughly enjoying the elevation of accused attempted rapist Brett Kavanaugh to the bench, President Trump today said he wanted it to be more of a challenge next time. “That was too easy. I’d only…
Susan Collins Made Honorary Straight White Male By Republican Leadership
Senate Leader Mitch McConnell announced today that he was conferring upon Senator Susan Collins the highest honor he knew, that of honorary straight while male. “Today you join an elite club, and all you must…