Local

Law & Order, Local, Politics April 18, 2018

Local Police Force Makes Itself Focus Of Entire Nation Because Humpday

(Pittsburgh, PA) Saying Wednesday afternoons are a real drag during which it’s hard to stay awake, the Pittsburgh Police Department (PPD) admitted today to leaking riot plans in the event of President Trump firing Robert…

Business, Local April 13, 2018

Century III Mall’s Customer Saddened To Learn It’s Closing Down

(Pittsburgh, PA) Century III Mall is to be auctioned off this June, meaning that the region’s iconic shopping complex that was once the envy of the nation is going to close down. The mall’s customer,…

Local, Sports April 2, 2018

Pirates Manager Clint Hurdle Calls For End To 2018 Baseball Season

At a post-game conference today, Clint Hurdle set the world of professional baseball abuzz by claiming the season is too lengthy, and should be shortened starting in 2018. “I think I speak for most people…

Local, Politics March 14, 2018

Russia To Investigate Suspected American Influence On Pennsylvania Election

Saying it was clear that something went very very wrong, the Kremlin is launching an investigation into possible American influence on the closely fought 18th District Congressional election in Western Pennsylvania that was held on…

Holidays, Law & Order, Local, World March 14, 2018

Pittsburgh’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Stripped Of References To Ireland After Republic Files Lawsuit

(Pittsburgh, PA) A lawsuit filed by the Republic of Ireland in the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas is seeking damages from the city for ‘misappropriate of cultural properties in the form of a publicized…

Critters, Local, Transport February 26, 2018

Missing Dog Found Safe In Bigelow Boulevard Pothole

(Pittsburgh, PA) A missing dog, which had not been seen for days according to Oakland resident and owner Pat Rensiter, has thankfully been found safe in a pothole on Bigelow Bouvelard. The 75 pound canine…

Local, Travel, Weather February 22, 2018

Pittsburgh To Rebrand Itself As The Venice Of North America

Determined to make the best of a bad situation, Mayor Peduto has announced a new plan to accept that the rain isn’t ever going to let up and that Pittsburgh is now a partially submerged…

Local, Technology, Transport February 15, 2018

UBER Debuts Flying Cars That Can Navigate Pittsburgh Streets Without Falling Apart

Ridesharing service UBER is by now a familiar sight on Pittsburgh streets, including its famed self-driving cars that are still in the test phase. In the latest development, they have announced their cars will start…

Education, Local, Sports February 5, 2018

Thousands Of Pitt Students Who Celebrated Eagles Victory Are Executed For Treason

A significant proportion of the Pitt Student body, who took to Forbes Avenue to celebrate the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory, have been executed for treason in the early hours of this morning. Police held…

Local, Sports, Steelers February 4, 2018

Breaking Burgh’s Guide To Bluffing Your Way Through A Super Bowl Party

(Pittsburgh, PA) So you accepted an invitation to your co-workers party on Sunday and – because you know absolutely nothing about sports – didn’t realize it was to watch the Super Bowl. Obviously you can’t…

Local, Sports, Steelers, Yinzer January 22, 2018

Steelers Fan Losing His Mind Over Which Super Bowl Team To Support

(Pittsburgh, PA) As if losing out on the chance to support his beloved hometown team wasn’t bad enough, local sports superfan Steve Blakowski is losing his mind over which side to support during Super Bowl…

Local, Sports January 17, 2018

McCutchen Trade Will Allow Even More Pointless Giveaways Says Pirates Owner

(PNC Park) News that star hitter Andrew McCutchen is leaving for the Giants may sadden Pirates fans, but owner Bob Nutting says there is every reason to feel optimistic about the future. “With Cutch gone,…

Education, Local, Weather January 7, 2018

Cold Weather Forces Pitt Student To Wear Longest Pair Of Shorts

With temperatures stuck in the single digits, Pitt Engineering major Jason Friese said he has been forced to dig through the clothes in his dorm to find the longest pair of shorts he has in…

Holidays, Local, Yinzer December 24, 2017

Pittsburghers Warned To Go To Area Giant Eagles At Their Own Risk

Numerous reports are coming in from all over Pittsburgh that Giant Eagles are stuffed to the brim with aggressive last-minute shoppers determined that Christmas not be completely and utterly ruined because they don’t have thyme…

Holidays, Local November 26, 2017

Pittsburgh To Just Have Round The Clock Fireworks From Now On

As Pittsburghers enjoyed yet another fireworks show today for one reason or another, or perhaps no reason at all, Mayor Peduto announced that the City will be having fireworks round the clock from now on….

Election2016, Law & Order, Local, Politics November 7, 2017

Breaking Burgh’s Awesome Voter Guide

It’s time to vote again in Pittsburgh and there’s no icestorms or microbursts so there’s no excuse not to get out there and do your civic duty. If there’s a referendum on anything, we recommend…

Law & Order, Local, Yinzer November 6, 2017

City Of Pittsburgh Makes Nebbing A Crime Punishable With Fines And Jail Time

Pittsburgh City Council has promised a future free of nebbing, after passing landmark legislation today banning the nosey practice within City limits. The PPD will make on the spot arrests for openly nebbing on public…

Local, TV October 26, 2017

FEMA Diverts Resources From Puerto Rico To Pittsburgh After Watching ‘Parts Unknown’

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) announced earlier today that it is embarking on an urgent mission to try to save Pittsburgh after learning about its plight from a recent episode of ‘Parts Unknown’ that…

Holidays, Local, Parenting October 24, 2017

Pittsburgh City Council Passes Trick-Or-Treat Bill Of Rights Just In Time For Halloween

With Halloween fast approaching, City Council has passed the first Trick-Or-Treat Bill Of Rights to govern activities that occur on October 31st. It is expected that other cities will follow Pittsburgh’s lead and adopt similar…

Local, TV October 23, 2017

Pittsburghers Furious Everything About City Not Squeezed Into One Hour TV Show

The City of Pittsburgh is up in arms following the airing of an episode of ‘Parts Unknown’ on CNN featuring the Steel City. Host Anthony Bourdain said he is sorry to be the cause of…

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