Local

Local, Transport, Uncategorized September 18, 2018

PENNDOT Announces Liberty Bridge Is Ready For Its Next Disaster

(Pittsburgh, PA) In great news for commuters, at least for a day or so, the Liberty Bridge is now open connecting the heart of the city to its most salubrious suburbs. The bridge had been…

God Stuff, Law & Order, Local August 15, 2018

Catholic Church Overjoyed To Learn Most Pennsylvania Priests Aren’t Pedophiles

When reporters contacted church leaders about the recently released Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into sexual abuse by priests they expected to find them utterly despondent, but the reality today was quite the opposite. “Only 300?…

God Stuff, Local August 14, 2018

God Announces Completion Of Sale Of The Catholic Church To The Devil

In a double whammy for Catholics in the wake of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into priest sexual abuse, God today announced he has finalized the sale of the two-thousand-year-old religion to the Devil. “This…

Local, Sports, Steelers August 11, 2018

Bill Belichick Unimpressed By Steelers “You don’t cheat during the preseason!”

The Steelers deflategate controversy, in which an underinflated football was used during the preseason match-up with the Eagles, has blown over and is not expected to have any effect on the forthcoming campaign. One person…

Local August 6, 2018

South Side Doesn’t Smell Like Vomit For First Time In Decades

(Pittsburgh, PA) For the first time in living memory for those not in the AARP, the city’s South Side neighborhood reportedly didn’t smell of vomit today, which is something many residents never thought would come…

Business, Local, Sports July 31, 2018

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade Deadline Negotiation Draws Biggest Ever PNC Park Crowd

Following the news that the Pirates have acquired pitcher Chris Archer just as the trade deadline approached, local fans have finally discovered what Neil Huntington has grown to realize over the past few months, if…

Local, Sports, Steelers July 26, 2018

Antonio Brown To Continue Using Helicopter Throughout Season

Pittsburgh wide receiver and NFL hot property Antonio Brown has said his arrival at training camp via helicopter was no gimmick, as he plans to make it an integral part of his performance during the…

Local, Transport July 23, 2018

Pittsburgh Embarks On Bold Initiative To Develop Real Road System

(Pittsburgh, PA) At a brainstorming session for new initiatives to adopt at City Council today, someone – who exactly is not yet known at this time – suggested Pittsburgh implement a proper road system instead…

Critters, Local, Society July 5, 2018

Furries Accused Of Cultural Appropriation By Local Wildlife

(Pittsburgh, PA) It’s that time of year when the Steel City hosts the ANTHROCON (aka the Furries Convention) at the David Lawrence Convention Center, which is now an established annual event since first coming here…

Food, Local, Yinzer June 5, 2018

National Funeral Directors Association Praises Primanti’s New Pierogi Sandwich

Local culinary powerhouse Primanti Brothers has added a new product – the pierogi-filled sandwich – to their menu, and it’s proving a big hit with many, including the National Funeral Directors Association which even issued…

Law & Order, Local, Politics April 18, 2018

Local Police Force Makes Itself Focus Of Entire Nation Because Humpday

(Pittsburgh, PA) Saying Wednesday afternoons are a real drag during which it’s hard to stay awake, the Pittsburgh Police Department (PPD) admitted today to leaking riot plans in the event of President Trump firing Robert…

Business, Local April 13, 2018

Century III Mall’s Customer Saddened To Learn It’s Closing Down

(Pittsburgh, PA) Century III Mall is to be auctioned off this June, meaning that the region’s iconic shopping complex that was once the envy of the nation is going to close down. The mall’s customer,…

Local, Sports April 2, 2018

Pirates Manager Clint Hurdle Calls For End To 2018 Baseball Season

At a post-game conference today, Clint Hurdle set the world of professional baseball abuzz by claiming the season is too lengthy, and should be shortened starting in 2018. “I think I speak for most people…

Local, Politics March 14, 2018

Russia To Investigate Suspected American Influence On Pennsylvania Election

Saying it was clear that something went very very wrong, the Kremlin is launching an investigation into possible American influence on the closely fought 18th District Congressional election in Western Pennsylvania that was held on…

Holidays, Law & Order, Local, World March 14, 2018

Pittsburgh’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Stripped Of References To Ireland After Republic Files Lawsuit

(Pittsburgh, PA) A lawsuit filed by the Republic of Ireland in the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas is seeking damages from the city for ‘misappropriate of cultural properties in the form of a publicized…

Critters, Local, Transport February 26, 2018

Missing Dog Found Safe In Bigelow Boulevard Pothole

(Pittsburgh, PA) A missing dog, which had not been seen for days according to Oakland resident and owner Pat Rensiter, has thankfully been found safe in a pothole on Bigelow Bouvelard. The 75 pound canine…

Local, Travel, Weather February 22, 2018

Pittsburgh To Rebrand Itself As The Venice Of North America

Determined to make the best of a bad situation, Mayor Peduto has announced a new plan to accept that the rain isn’t ever going to let up and that Pittsburgh is now a partially submerged…

Local, Technology, Transport February 15, 2018

UBER Debuts Flying Cars That Can Navigate Pittsburgh Streets Without Falling Apart

Ridesharing service UBER is by now a familiar sight on Pittsburgh streets, including its famed self-driving cars that are still in the test phase. In the latest development, they have announced their cars will start…

Education, Local, Sports February 5, 2018

Thousands Of Pitt Students Who Celebrated Eagles Victory Are Executed For Treason

A significant proportion of the Pitt Student body, who took to Forbes Avenue to celebrate the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory, have been executed for treason in the early hours of this morning. Police held…

Local, Sports, Steelers February 4, 2018

Breaking Burgh’s Guide To Bluffing Your Way Through A Super Bowl Party

(Pittsburgh, PA) So you accepted an invitation to your co-workers party on Sunday and – because you know absolutely nothing about sports – didn’t realize it was to watch the Super Bowl. Obviously you can’t…

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