Local

Local, Sports, Steelers December 3, 2018

Pittsburgh Police Investigating Theft Of NFL Game On Sunday Night

(Heinz Field) Pittsburgh Police are investigating the brazen theft of an NFL game alleged to have occurred on Sunday night in the North Side part of the city. The audacious crime is said to have…

Local, Uncategorized November 7, 2018

Peduto Confirms He’s Seeking Role In Remake Of Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Mayor Peduto has confirmed what many had suspected recently, namely that he is hoping to be cast in the role of Santa Claus in a local live-action remake of the 1964 stop-animation classic, Rudolf The…

Hipsterdom, Holidays, Local October 31, 2018

Lawrenceville Hipster To Dress Up As Clean-Shaven Dude For Halloween

Local man Derrik Willis surprised his friends today by revealing the shocking costume he plans to wear for Halloween. “I’m calling it clean-shaven guy in jeans and a shirt.” Derrik says dismissed the idea at…

Local, Politics October 29, 2018

Pittsburgh Warned That Dangerous Alt-Right Figure May Descend On City

As Pittsburgh struggles to recover from the horrific events of Saturday morning, Federal officials have informed the Peduto administration that a dangerous member of the Alt-Right may be making his way to the area as…

Local, Transport, Uncategorized September 18, 2018

PENNDOT Announces Liberty Bridge Is Ready For Its Next Disaster

(Pittsburgh, PA) In great news for commuters, at least for a day or so, the Liberty Bridge is now open connecting the heart of the city to its most salubrious suburbs. The bridge had been…

God Stuff, Law & Order, Local August 15, 2018

Catholic Church Overjoyed To Learn Most Pennsylvania Priests Aren’t Pedophiles

When reporters contacted church leaders about the recently released Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into sexual abuse by priests they expected to find them utterly despondent, but the reality today was quite the opposite. “Only 300?…

God Stuff, Local August 14, 2018

God Announces Completion Of Sale Of The Catholic Church To The Devil

In a double whammy for Catholics in the wake of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury report into priest sexual abuse, God today announced he has finalized the sale of the two-thousand-year-old religion to the Devil. “This…

Local, Sports, Steelers August 11, 2018

Bill Belichick Unimpressed By Steelers “You don’t cheat during the preseason!”

The Steelers deflategate controversy, in which an underinflated football was used during the preseason match-up with the Eagles, has blown over and is not expected to have any effect on the forthcoming campaign. One person…

Local August 6, 2018

South Side Doesn’t Smell Like Vomit For First Time In Decades

(Pittsburgh, PA) For the first time in living memory for those not in the AARP, the city’s South Side neighborhood reportedly didn’t smell of vomit today, which is something many residents never thought would come…

Business, Local, Sports July 31, 2018

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade Deadline Negotiation Draws Biggest Ever PNC Park Crowd

Following the news that the Pirates have acquired pitcher Chris Archer just as the trade deadline approached, local fans have finally discovered what Neil Huntington has grown to realize over the past few months, if…

Local, Sports, Steelers July 26, 2018

Antonio Brown To Continue Using Helicopter Throughout Season

Pittsburgh wide receiver and NFL hot property Antonio Brown has said his arrival at training camp via helicopter was no gimmick, as he plans to make it an integral part of his performance during the…

Local, Transport July 23, 2018

Pittsburgh Embarks On Bold Initiative To Develop Real Road System

(Pittsburgh, PA) At a brainstorming session for new initiatives to adopt at City Council today, someone – who exactly is not yet known at this time – suggested Pittsburgh implement a proper road system instead…

Critters, Local, Society July 5, 2018

Furries Accused Of Cultural Appropriation By Local Wildlife

(Pittsburgh, PA) It’s that time of year when the Steel City hosts the ANTHROCON (aka the Furries Convention) at the David Lawrence Convention Center, which is now an established annual event since first coming here…

Food, Local, Yinzer June 5, 2018

National Funeral Directors Association Praises Primanti’s New Pierogi Sandwich

Local culinary powerhouse Primanti Brothers has added a new product – the pierogi-filled sandwich – to their menu, and it’s proving a big hit with many, including the National Funeral Directors Association which even issued…

Law & Order, Local, Politics April 18, 2018

Local Police Force Makes Itself Focus Of Entire Nation Because Humpday

(Pittsburgh, PA) Saying Wednesday afternoons are a real drag during which it’s hard to stay awake, the Pittsburgh Police Department (PPD) admitted today to leaking riot plans in the event of President Trump firing Robert…

Business, Local April 13, 2018

Century III Mall’s Customer Saddened To Learn It’s Closing Down

(Pittsburgh, PA) Century III Mall is scheduled to be auctioned off, meaning that the region’s iconic shopping complex that was once the envy of the nation is going to close down. The mall’s customer, Janice…

Local, Sports April 2, 2018

Pirates Manager Clint Hurdle Calls For End To 2018 Baseball Season

At a post-game conference today, Clint Hurdle set the world of professional baseball abuzz by claiming the season is too lengthy, and should be shortened starting in 2018. “I think I speak for most people…

Local, Politics March 14, 2018

Russia To Investigate Suspected American Influence On Pennsylvania Election

Saying it was clear that something went very very wrong, the Kremlin is launching an investigation into possible American influence on the closely fought 18th District Congressional election in Western Pennsylvania that was held on…

Holidays, Law & Order, Local, World March 14, 2018

Pittsburgh’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade To Be Stripped Of References To Ireland After Republic Files Lawsuit

(Pittsburgh, PA) A lawsuit filed by the Republic of Ireland in the Allegheny County Court of Common Pleas is seeking damages from the city for ‘misappropriate of cultural properties in the form of a publicized…

Critters, Local, Transport February 26, 2018

Missing Dog Found Safe In Bigelow Boulevard Pothole

(Pittsburgh, PA) A missing dog, which had not been seen for days according to Oakland resident and owner Pat Rensiter, has thankfully been found safe in a pothole on Bigelow Bouvelard. The 75 pound canine…

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Breaking Burgh

A satirical blog serving Western Pennsylvania and beyond