(Pittsburgh PA) Scientists from the Centers for Disease Control investigating a local outbreak of acute stupidity in Southwestern Pennsylvania say they have successfully traced it to the source. “We have located the epicenter of this devastating outbreak to the Wendy Bell Show…
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A live-action remake of Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer to be filmed locally in the Pittsburgh area is a distinct possibility once again after Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger agreed to take on the role of Yukon…
(Pittburgh, PA) Residents of Pittsburgh’s South Side are waking up to a very peculiar situation today – normal looking and smelling streets following the St. Patrick’s Day holiday. “It’s just not the same!” The familiar…
NEWS BRIEF: Bar owners on the South Side are breathing a huge sigh of relief tonight as tills are ringing after all. With the St. Patrick’s Day parade cancelled, revellers were planning to not bother…
(Pittsburgh, PA) The St. Patricks Day’s Parade and the Pens game have been cancelled and the campuses of Pitt, CMU, Duquesne, Chatham, and Point Park will be devoid of students for the rest of the…
Managers of local Giant Eagle and Market District stores expressed surprised and confusion today at the lack of panic buyers stripping their store shelves of milk, bread, toilet paper, and cheap light beer. “Are we…
(Pittsburgh, PA) Word has leaked early of a major public works project to begin later this year with a projected end date sometime in the late 2020s. The mammoth undertaking will carve the likenesses of…
Images of three sharply-dressed men, who are purportedly from Pittsburgh, have caused major upset in the city in what is believed to be the first event of its kind. “Where is the sports attire?” The…
Local cradle of higher education Carnegie-Mellon University has apologized for a map that depicted the college and surrounding neighborhoods with some notable exceptions – namely predominantly black neighborhoods like the Hill District and Garfield. “We…
(Punxsutawney, PA) Today is Groundhog Day, which is when the down-to-earth residents of Western Pennsylvania turn to a clairvoyant small mammal to find out what the weather is going to be like for the new few…
(Pittsburgh, PA) So you accepted an invitation to your co-workers party on Sunday and – because you know absolutely nothing about sports – didn’t realize it was to watch the Super Bowl. Obviously you can’t cancel,…
Fans of Groundhog Day are set to be disappointed this year, as the event had to be called off due to Punxsutawney Phil abruptly relocating to Arizona. “It dawned on him he didn’t have to…
Ben & Jerry’s have long been known for their imaginative ice cream flavors, but the latest one promises to take this to a new level. The Pittsburgh-inspired offering, called “Gastronomy Pierogi” will be nationally launched…
With the possible satellite collision above Pittsburgh only hours away, local Primanti Bros restaurants have reported being full to capacity and doing many times their normal business. “Everyone wants one last cheesesteak before they die.”…
Two satellites could collide over the City of Pittsburgh, according to a tracking site that monitors space junk. LeoLabs says one of the satellites is a decommissioned space telescope which is on course to possibly…
Good question! What IS The Burgh Report? The answer is we’re not 100% sure yet. But we love those National Inquirer covers and it’s just too much fun not to do a local version that…
After years of holding the honor of being the top object of the wrath of real Pittsburgers, Mayor Peduto’s bike lanes have been dislodged from their pedastal by a Google engineer writing in Public Source,…
Straight up this is an ask – think of those annoying fundraisers on PBS. Still here? Of course you are. You’re smart. Not like everybody with a MAGA hat says, like a dumb libturd. You’re smart and…
(Sharon, PA) A local man is continuing his protest against Mayor Peduto’s bike lane initiative, telling anyone who will listen that they’re the worst. “I am beyond angry over this.” Though he’s never seen a Pittsburgh…
(Pittsburgh, PA) Entrepeneur Elon Musk has been warned to ‘stay away from these parts’ after advocating for widespread building of tunnels for automobiles to ease traffic in urban areas. Local residents questioned whether Musk had…