Inky The Octopus En Route To Germany To Claim Asylum
After escaping from a New Zealand aquarium to the ocean through a hole in the floor, Inky the Octopus was expected never to be heard from again. But the enterprising cephalopod was spotted of the…
Politics
Off-Shore Bank Introduces “Baby’s First Tax Haven” Program
[British Virgin Islands] Keen to take advantage of the recent publicity the Panama Papers has generated, a Caribbean-based bank has launched a new program aimed at the obscenely rich who have children. Called “Baby’s First…
Clinton And Sanders Tussle In Bare-Knuckle Street Fight Ahead Of New York Primary
[New York, NY] Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders found themselves in close quarters while campaigning in New York City this morning, resulting in a no-holds-barred dustup between them that only came to an…
Huge Disillusionment As Donald Trump Is Caught Out Telling The Truth
GOP nominee Donald Trump committed a potentially fatal error today when he was caught red-handed in the act of telling the truth. Supporters and non-supporters alike were united in their shock and disgust. “I rely…
Man Fears For Life After Reading About Panama Papers Detailing Putin’s Profiteering
An avid reader of the Guardian newspaper is in self-imposed hiding after reading their expose on the billion dollar money trail that leads to Vladimir Putin. The so-called Panama Papers reveal a complex pattern that…
Trump’s Policies Start To Make Sense Now He Plans To Punish Women Over Abortion
Donald Trump got himself into trouble this week, when he said he would punish women who had abortions if he got into power. Commentators said he had got the pulse of his audience wrong on…
Suspended Chicago Police Officer Bringing Same Dedication To Caretaker Job With Police Union
[Chicago, IL] The Chicago Police Union has been criticized for giving employment to suspended Officer Jason Van Dyke, who is on unpaid leave while facing an indictment for first degree murder. “Jason has been a…
North Korean Agents Capture Boy Band One Direction In Daring Raid
[London, UK] The British/Irish hitmaking band One Direction has reportedly been abducted by what are believed to be agents of the North Korean Government, who took advantage of fans’ attention being occupied by the release…
Republican Party Reveals Its Primary Process Was A Giant April Fools’ Prank
In one of the most ambitious and elongated April Fools’ pranks ever attempted, the GOP has revealed that it’s entire primary process to date has been a hilarious send-up, according to a tweet by party…
Mediawatchers Warn News Will Be Dominated By Pakistan Bombing In Coming Days
Observers of media trends have warned those with newsworthy events or product launches to delay them if at all possible as they predict that all news outlets will be swamped by coverage of the recent…
Fairy Tales Updated By NRA To Include Guns Re-Updated By Gun Control Advocates
The NRA’s family division – surely you knew there was one? – has started updating classic fairy tales so that the real-world fears they were traditionally supposed to educate children about are magically all solved…
Belgium Attacks Provide GOP Candidates With Opportunity To Hit New Lows
Just when everyone thought the Republican election process couldn’t stoop any lower, ISIS has shown that yes, it most certainly can, according to seasoned political analyst Ethan Gold. The tragic events in Belgium have clearly…
Rumor That SCOTUS Nominee Is In Building Sends GOP Senators Into Hiding
A Rumor that Merrick Garland – Obama’s nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court – was wandering about the U.S. Capitol building had Republican Senators scurrying to find a hiding place today lest they bump into…
Obama Keeps His Cool As He Smuggles Box Of Cuban Cigars Past US Customs
Returning from his historic trip to Cuba, President Obama told his Secret Service detail to ‘keep it cool’ as they approached U.S. Customs, since he’d picked up a box of Cuban cigars and wasn’t sure…
Real Reason Gerry Adams Was Banned From White House Event Leaks
Gerry Adams wasted no time letting his displeasure be known on twitter after he was prevented from attending a White House St. Patrick’s Day event last week. The Sinn Fein President was nominally held up…
Obama To Burnish Legacy With Ambitious Plan To Improve Scotch Tape
[Washington, DC] With less than a year to go in office, Barack Obama is already looking to how the future will regard his legacy as President. Though he will already be remembered for significant achievements…
North Korea Attacks Longtime Enemy The Sea Yet Again
The isolated Republic of North Korea has attacked its hated adversary the sea yet again with ballistic missiles. Theories as to why leader Kim Jong-Un resents the sea so much range from not liking baths…
Trump Rally Violence Proposed As Evidence For Crackpot ‘Cause & Effect’ Theory
Violence at a planned Donald Trump rally in Chicago has led some feeble-minded elements of the press to wonder if it could in some way be the result of the inflammatory rhetoric that infuses his…
Democrat Race Tight But Still Favors “Who Cares Just Save Us From Trump”
Interest in the Democratic primary battle between frontrunner Hillary Clinton and Vermont senator Bernie Sanders has only heightened after the latter’s unexpected win in Indiana, and there is still no sign of voters coalescing around…
Jeb Bush Meets With Remaining Non-Trump Candidates To Perform Hand Inspections
Former Republican candidate Jeb Bush is meeting with all the remaining candidates other than Donald Trump, prompting speculation that he plans to endorse one of them as part of a party establishment strategy to prevent…