(Vatican City) Showing he is prepared to move with the times, Pope Francis has ordered a theological commission to propose reforms of the Catholic Church’s penal system, with a particular emphasis on ending the practice of routine long-term use of solitary confinement in Hell.
“Frankly, what is going on right now is practically medieval.”
He also is seeking to eliminate mandatory sentences to eternal damnation, making greater use of purgatory for less serious offences.
“This will also ease the crowding situation, which is becoming critical as Hell was never designed to hold so many inmates for ever and ever.”
Crucial to achieving this, according to the Pontiff, will be his plan to gradually reduce the number of mortal sins by creating a tiered class of venal sins, thereby giving the Almighty greater discretion when it comes to sentencing.
“Right now Yahweh’s hands are tied by what’s on the statute books, which is not a good thing.”
The Pope also plans to announce a full investigation into claims that people of color are over-represented in hell, even when statistical variation in sinning is taken into account.
“I cannot stress how seriously I take this. There is no place for racism in the afterlife.”