(Altanta, GA) The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced their latest recommendation today that Senator Rand Paul (R – KY) self- isolate for the next 10,950 days. CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky explained that this latest guideline was backed up by tons of evidence that it would be for the best.
“It’s to do with COVID but also so much more than that.”
Some people objected that the number of days sounded arbitrary, but the CDC insists that is not the case as it equates to Paul distancing himself from everyone else for exactly 30 years.
“That would bring him to the age of 88, by which time he hopefully will either be incapable of infecting people with his bullshit as efficiently, or, you know, dead.”
Rochelle said it was important that Paul completely isolate himself, including not using Zoom or other means to communicate with others.
“His diseased mind is more than capable of passing on his sickness to other individuals over great distances by using social media and other technologies.”
The benefits of Paul isolating from the rest of society for over ten thousand days are predicted by computer models to be substantial, improving all aspects of daily life in the United States. Reached for comment, Dr. Fauci heartily approved of the proposed measure.
“I endorse this new CDC recommendation 100% and my only criticism is that they didn’t make it earlier – like 40 years earlier.”
Your support keeps the satire coming