[Miami, FL] After going missing this afternoon, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton was eventually found locked in one of Miami’s oldest churches. Those on the scene said she kept muttering something about Michigan and ‘the primary gremlins being back’, with her face darting about in multiple directions like someone possessed.
“It’s happening all over again!”
Later she was discovered at the debate venue’s kitchen, where she was standing inside a circle of salt instructing the sous chef on how to recognize demons when they come for you.
“Sometimes they appear as a tall dark man who comes out of nowhere, and other times they inhabit the body of a crazed white-haired old coot. Be ever vigilant for they are all around us!”
Her staff tried to assure her that no matter how bad things looked, she had a healthy lead in superdelegates, but that only made Clinton even more distressed.
“Superdelegetes aren’t real, you fools! They’re unholy phantoms that seek draw you into the lake of fire with their siren call. Terra, Ignis, Aqua – all three; Elements of astral I summon thee; Banish the evil spirit Bernie!”
Clinton then left by a side exit in search of cat’s whiskers and banwort to prepare a protective potion to bless her debate podium.