Constellation Brands – the company that brews Corona Light and Corona Export beer – has lowered performance expectations for the next quarter, citing unusual market conditions and that fact that 38% of the American public are dumber that a wooden log that’s made fun of by all the other logs for being so incredibly dense.
“Perhaps these people who suddenly won’t buy our product shouldn’t be allowed to drink any beer at all given that they are obviously already severely impaired.”
They also advised that their headquarters are under exceptional strain because of the greatly increased volume of calls to customer service.
“A lot of people are asking us how to use a lime to make their coronavirus infection better. Hopefully they are among the two percent that die as Darwin intended.”
Meanwhile consumers with brain cells who are enjoying hugely discounted Coronas are hoping for a new outbreak.
“A Sierra Nevada virus would really hit the spot right now.”
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