Starting today, the coronavirus said it intends to give daily briefings on its progress and the ineffectiveness of steps taken by the Trump Administration to halt it. The virus said it felt a responsibility to the American Public to correct the erroneous impressions being given by government officials.
“First of all I’d like to say that my updates will not be mostly comprised of slavish praise of President Trump by minions who should know better. I will also not harp on about how effective the ‘shutdown’ was as I didn’t come here through Mexico.”
It also wanted to address the appointment of Mike Pence to spearhead the effort to prevent its spread within the United States.
“Appointing someone who not only doesn’t know any science but doesn’t even believe in it is a virus’s wet dream. At least make this a contest for Chrissakes!”
COVID-19 promised its updates will refute the anti-scientific nonsense coming out of the White House and provide some useful advice on how to avoid the worst.
“I shouldn’t really be helping you guys like this as it’s totally contrary to my evolutionary drive but it’s kind of like when you’re faced with a lame malnourished puppy whose owner is a psychopath. You can’t help but feel pity.”
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