Following the PR disaster facing United Airlines over the forced removal of Dr. David Dao, Delta CEO Edward H. Bastian said it was time to think outside the box to ensure such situations don’t arise again.

What this means in practice, according to Bastian, is that it’s time to be realistic about what is required to get people to voluntarily take later flights when needed.

“The United incident in which up to $1000 was offered to find volunteers revealed that in the current economic climate, monetary incentives are not enough.”

That is why he has chosen to offer alternative incentives that he hopes will appeal more. Gate agents can offer marijuana products and manual sexual stimulation, while supervisors are allowed to authorize cocaine, methamphetamines, oral and full intercourse.

“Initially passengers will be offered a spliff and some light making out, after which the offer will progressively increase all the way up to a full-on ecstasy-driven orgy.”

In the case that even that is not enough enticement, Bastian said he will personally intervene to make sure whatever is needed to resolve the situation is done.

“Even if it means offering the passenger my job.”