For Shaler resident Eric Shiffer, Valentine’s Day is a time of many hardships. But nothing poses a challenge quite like that of picking a suitable Valentine’s Day Card. Like many of his kind, the right card must satisfy a complex set of requirements, including but not limited to:

No religious connotations.

No cute animals.

No hint of commitment.

No hint of lack of commitment.

Not funny.

Not poignant.

Under two dollars.

Finding one with acceptable verse, Eric explains, is hard to reduce to a formulaic set of criteria. Revisiting the same stores over and over is essential, as cross referencing is a critical part of the process.

He advises against opting for a blank card, which at one time he considered the perfect solution – until it all went horribly wrong.

“Since they’re your own words, they can be mined for insight into your true feelings in a way store-bought prose cannot.”

The good news, says Eric, is that with enough time and effort the perfect card can be found – one that says all the right things without really saying anything at all.

“They should really have a dedicated section for the particular type of card I and people like me seek.”