The United States – long thought to be a nation divided along multiple fault-lines – is now completely unified with all its peoples dedicated to a common cause to bringing about a better life for all. The reason for the sudden healing is not President Biden’s pleading, however, but an advertising spot that aired during the Super Bowl purportedly trying to sell automobiles.

The commercial – which featured Bruce Springsteen at peak Kevin Costner with his fleece lined coat collar gently undulating in the breeze – went on for a full three minutes, endlessly incanting its message that we must met in the middle. Clearly designed to torture Americans into healing their divides under threat of more primetime airings, many could barely describe the terrible ordeal they were put through while trying to enjoy the game. Even arch Trump supporters said it’s time that we all just get along,

“Giving up my love of spewing venom at anyone not exactly like me is a small price to pay to avoid ever having to see *that* again.”

Though it is unlikely to shift any Jeeps anytime soon, the advertising agency responsible can take solace from the interest shown by former President Jimmy Carter, who says he has some good ideas on where to go from here.

“There are some Palestinians and Israelis I think you should be targeting with your next campaign.”

WE DEPEND ON YOU TO KEEP GOING!