Doctors Say Rand Paul In Stable Condition After Being Yelled At Quite Loudly

Medical staff treating Kentucky Senator Rand Paul for his close brush with death last night as he left President Trump’s acceptance address on the White House South Lawn today spoke to the extent of his injuries but were pleased to reveal he is now in stable condition.

“Senator Paul was exposed to severe opinions and experienced multiple lacerations of his smug frame of reference, but we expect him to pull through and get back to being the same old Rand Paul we’ve always known in no time.”

Paul himself recounted his narrow escape on Fox News, albeit with some understandable errors of memory given the horrible ordeal he had been through that almost rendered him unable to appear on a major cable news program early the next morning. But, terrible as Paul’s condition was when they got to him, his medical team said it could have been even worse.

“Someone could have said BOO!”

There were also bicycles present – held by the numerous police protecting him – which posed an additional danger that, thankfully, did not come to pass.

“The senator could have grabbed one of the bicycles, ridden it really fast and then squeezed the front brake only causing him to flip the bike and possibly ding his head in the process.”

Fears that Paul also suffered acute mussing of his hair during the incident were allayed after reviewing his medical chart.

“It appears that’s a pre-existing chronic condition the senator has long since learned to live with.

YOUR GENEROSITY KEEPS THE SATIRE COMING!

13 Comments on "Doctors Say Rand Paul In Stable Condition After Being Yelled At Quite Loudly"

  1. Good thing the protest are peaceful! My cousin lost his life at the fake but peaceful protest. Remember Jesus died on the the cross for all lives can be saved.

  2. My thoughts and prayers are with you LOL!

  3. This satirical article appropriately avoided the very real moment of comedy where the protesters demanded that Paul “Say the name!” of Breonna Taylor, apparently unaware of the fact that he’d just written the Breonna Taylor Act which prohibits no knock arrests.

  4. At least he did not get seven bullets shot into his back. He needs to get over it.

  5. He could still have post traumatic yelling
    protesters disorder.

  6. Why walk into middle of protesters

  7. Evidently his neighbor couldn’t make the trip but managed to paint the black Lives Matter anner down most of his driveway.

  8. Stable condition after being yelled at. Wow. I wonder what condition he would be in if he had serious hands on?

  9. 86-45-03-11-20

  10. Yolanda Lyons | August 28, 2020 at 7:14 pm | Reply

    Please excuse my horrible typing ~ I am still giggling, so typing might appear different than what I intended. Thank you for the brilliant satire; it was much needed and definitely appreciated!

  11. I am praying for Senator Rand Paul so sorry these evil people are rioting so glad your injuries were not life threatening you speech was awesome God Bless you and your family

    • please,please,please be sarcasm

    • Carolyn Scardino | August 29, 2020 at 12:44 am | Reply

      joyce …these are his people…republicans at the convention…keep praying ill bet god is laughing with the rest of us at how this DOCTOR had to go to the hospital because he was YELLED AT…..i wonder how reacts to capital letters in emails…..

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