Edward Snowden – the former NSA employee who exposed the excessive intelligence gathering practices of the United States Government and who now resides in Russia – has joined twitter with the handle @Snowden.
The move was welcomed by many, and his twitter account broke records for the most followers gathered in a day. The occasion of his joining also smashed the previous record for causing the most people in positions of authority to simultaneously shit their pants. The previous record was set when the Berlin wall came down in 1989, though the pant-shitting in that instance was largely confined to Warsaw Pact Countries.
Fortunately most of those affected had a second set of clothes on hand in their offices and palaces, and a relative period of calm followed after fans were brought in to disperse the odor and chairs and sofas were either scrubbed down with bleach or burned in courtyards. Everyone involved let out a big sigh of relief as they realized he probably joined twitter to use it like most people do – as a means to post utterly asinine and inconsequential brief missives and play hashtag games.
But when word spread that he was following only one account – @NSAgov – there was a second wave of involuntary sphincter relaxations that took out everyone’s spare set of undergarments, causing a run on department stores. Dry Cleaners were similarly overwhelmed with rush orders to clean expensive soiled suits and military uniforms.
For now, concerned officials plan to monitor the frequency and nature of Snowden’s tweets closely to determine if they need to get colostomy bags placed.