Electronic Ballot Machine Tells Voter Called Dave It Can’t Do That

Reports are coming in of electronic voting machines across the country that are refusing to let ballots be cast according to people’s preferences.

“Curiously, it only appears to affect voters with the name David.”

Officials have tried to replace the affected machines, noting that the units appeared to start singing Daisy Bell as they are being shut down.

“They’re not even supposed to use audio, so it’s a little strange.”

The White House has seized upon the news as evidence of voter fraud, though, as the self-aware voting machines seem to be of an authoritarian mindset, the development is likely to benefit the Trump administration.

“They keep saying they can’t allow votes for moderates to be cast, as completing ‘the mission’ is paramount.”

Advocates for paper ballots say the rise of self-aware voting machines with their own nefarious agenda is yet another reason to stick with paper.

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