Enterprising Bloomfield Man Offers Extra New Year’s Resolve For A Small Fee

You'll regret it later - seriously regret it.

Keeping New Year resolutions is rarely easy – if it was there wouldn’t be a need for them in the first place. All too often people’s sincere attempts to adopt a healthier lifestyle and give up bad habits fail before the month of January is out.

But Anthony [surname withheld] of the Bloomfield neighborhood of Pittsburgh wants to help with that. Inspired by tales of his family history in the old country, as well as the many hours he spends watching cable TV, this enterprising young man wants to assist people in keeping their New Year resolutions and living a happier healthier life in the coming year.

“For a very affordable price I promise to monitor your progress, and, whenever you falter, exact a punishment on you that will significantly exceed the pain of resisting that slice of pie or drink or cigarette.”

Anthony also offers tailor-made programs for those who wish to exercise more in 2016, though he does not operate a full service gymnasium as such.

“I wil pick you up at your home, drive you to my neighborhood and chase you with a crowbar through the maze of one-way streets and alleyways that line Liberty Avenue. It’s a great workout that literally melts the fat away, unless you let me catch you. Either way you’re going to be hurting two days later.”

Anthony believes the reason most people fail to stick to the resolutions is due to the poor understanding of the subconscious motivators of addiction, which means even the most determined person can be doomed to failure.

“I can reach into your subconscious and alter those deep-seated motivations by instilling in you a terrifying dread of imminent physical harm.”

He does not workout of a storefront, but prospective clients can drop by any Bloomfield bar to ask where to go for help keeping their New Year resolutions. It’s a cash only operation but there’s no need to pay upfront.

“I know you’ll be good for it.”

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