During the course of his duties staffing the Emergency Room, physician Alec Keyes sees a lot of things, including no small number of people with objects stuck in their rectum. He used to attempt to cut-off his patients’ long-winded explanations of improbable accidental encounters with household objects, but a more experienced doctor advised him otherwise.
“There seems to be a deep-seated psychological need for them to relay a highly improbable tale of how something got accidentally inserted in their anus. Believe me I’ve heard them all.”
Another reason to let them continue their bogus explanations is that they may contain pertinent factual information, such as what exactly is blocking their anal canal.
“Sometimes they can’t even bear to say what it is, in which case I might order a CT scan or ultrasound.”
Often in the interests of moving things along so he can get to the extraction process, Dr. Keyes will finish their stories for them.
“They’re usually as predictable as they are unlikely. So I’ll say ‘and after you came out of the shower totally naked that’s when you decided to use the toilet plunger to unclog the drain and slipped on the wet floor?’ Whatever I propose it’s always miraculously exactly what occured.”
Still, he says it would be refreshing if people were honest for a change.
“Just once I’d like to hear someone unashamedly admit to their assplay – but I guess the people inclined to do that are also the people that take the care needed not to end up in the emergency room.”
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