Five Strong Signs You’re About To Be Canned

An article from Entrepreneur Magazine, 11 Strong Signs You’re About To Be Canned, has been getting a lot of promotion, including by our very own WTAE. But a quick review of signs such as ‘you’re suddenly on a need to know basis’ or ‘your boss stops taking out for your monthly lunch together’ makes us think this hasn’t been written with everyone in mind.

We decided to fix that by writing our own version that is more relevant to those Pittsburghers who don’t work for a tech company in Bakery Square.

So here are Breaking Burgh’s 5 Strong Signs You’re About to Be Canned (no way we’re thinking up a whole 11).

5) Your Boss Says ‘Shape Up Or I’ll Fire Your Ass’

This is arguably one of the clearest signs that you are going to be fired. If your boss says this to you, chances are they’ve been trying to get you to do your job differently for some time, but you’re the type of person who doesn’t like being told how to act. Congratulations on your healthy self-esteem, but know this – you are well on your way to being kicked to the curb.

4) People Are Suddenly Nice To You

If there’s one thing we know about human nature it’s that people only suddenly start being nice to someone because they’re trying to spare themselves some personal pain. In this case it’s the pain of having to watch a dead employee walking. One way to verify that they know you’re going to be iced is to walk right up to them and say how glad you are to have your job with special needs quintuplets on the way. If their eyes well up, this confirms your fear that you are on the way out. On the other hand, your boss may feel so much pity they decide to retain you after all – just be ready to provide frequent updates on how your four make-believe little ones are coping with life’s struggles.

3) You Never Actually Go To Work Anymore

If you stop going to work because it’s a soulless existence that makes you horribly depressed, chances are you will be fired eventually as this is generally frowned upon in the world of business. If you find you still get a paycheck long after you stop working, look to see if it’s from the Government or a rich aunt. If so that’s great news as you can keep not going to work until either your unemployment runs out or your aunt dies.   Don’t worry that you’re ripping off your relative or society – she does it because she loves you, and the owners of Walmart and the rest of the 1% are taking a lot more from the system than you or people like you ever will.

2) People On The Bus Comment On Your Weed Stank

If you can fill an entire PAT bus with the sweet smell of Mary Jane within seconds of getting on, then you, my friend, have some serious weed stank going on. You may be too baked to realize it, but people can smell that at work too, which may well get you fired. But there’s also the possibility that your boss is a non-toker who nevertheless enjoys the contact high they get off your person when you arrive in the morning. This means your fine – unless you’re made redundant by a more appealing pothead employee. So invest in your future by passing on the cheap Mexican brickweed and start reeking of top-shelf skunk bud.

1) No Warning Whatsoever

In the real world this is how most people lose their job since most people are at-will employees earning fuck all an hour. There are no signs to watch out for – you just find yourself booted out the door one day and you’ll never know when or why no matter what Entrepreneur Magazine has to say.

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