Florida To Enact Cull Of Springbreakers To Prevent Spread Of COVID

(Tallahassee , FL) The Governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis, is getting flak for refusing to close the state’s beaches, which are currently host to hordes of spring breakers who could care less about the coronavirus. Though believed to be a cynical plot to not lose revenue, DeSantis today redeemed himself with a bold decision to prevent any resulting harm to the public at large.

“Clearly we can’t allow these party-goers to return to their home states where they will spread coronavirus and herpes like wildfire – which is why I have decided to pen off the beaches and execute everyone.”

In fact he claims that, contrary to what people thought his motive was, this was a clever ploy to help contain the virus all along.

“I kept the beaches open to lure the most irresponsible young people in the nation to one spot, where they can be culled to prevent the spread.”

The projected impact on the economy is expected to be minimal, with the exception of the company that makes J├Ągermeister, as well as thong manufacturers.

“Admittedly those sectors will be hit hard, and may need a bailout.”

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