Gentrified Sesame Street Ejects Elderly Fixed-Income Residents

The producers of the classic children’s TV program ‘Sesame Street’ have finally spoken about the decision to part ways with three of the original cast: Bob McGrath, 84, Emilio Delgado, 76, and Roscoe Orman, 72, who played Bob, Luis, and Gordon respectively.

The move is said to be about retooling the show for a modern audience suited to a more hi-tech lifestyle.

“We view Sesame Street as a dynamic hip neighborhood which is very forward looking, which simply doesn’t gel with having a lot of fixed income elderly residents everywhere.”

The idea to axe the three was taken after Apple donated iPads for everyone on the show, and none of the three appeared very excited to use them.

“Not only did Apple Inc. not charge us, they actually paid us money to accept them – so the least we could do is show our thanks by using them constantly through the show.”

However Bob, Luis, and Gordon appeared uncomfortable with the devices and were more interested in reading books to the children.

“Aren’t we supposed to teach kids gratitude? And by the way – that rose gold iPad Pro you just put aside – it can be used to read too. Hello!”

Producers reject accusations of ageism, and argue that in any case they can dismiss someone because of advanced years if that is a factor in their ability to perform their job.

“Everyone knows kids are scared by old people. That’s just a fact – one which we are prepared to argue in court if necessary.”

In order to explain their departure on the show, HBO had David Simon (The Wire) pen an episode in which a Stringer Bell type takes out the three characters in his attempt to assert dominion over the neighborhood corners, before himself being crushed by Aloysius ‘Omar’ Snuffleupagus.

But that plan had to be shelved when Idris Alba – who as a youth in the UK grew up with the classic PBS version – balked at the proposal.

“Instead we’re going to explain that they had to move out because rents got too high once Whole Foods and the craft brewpubs arrived.”

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