After having been convicted on 5 out of 6 counts in her trial, disgraced socialite Ghislaine Maxwell has asked to be given a light sentence in exchange for her procuring all the underage concubines the sentencing judge can handle. Saying she would totally honor her side of the bargain, Maxwell promised to serve up what was desired right down to the eye color.

“All I need is a few hours on my own to meet the Greyhounds coming into the city from the Midwest.”

If there was any doubt that she could come through on her promise, Maxwell said she could provide scores of references as to her abilities from the ranks of the rich and famous. She also expressed contrition for her crimes.

“I know I shouldn’t have groomed those young girls for those evil people when I could have been grooming them for someone nice – like you, your honor.”

Reached for comment on the convictions, former friend Prince Andrew said it was such a shame that Maxwell threw her life away in the way that she did.

“It’s tragic really having her behind bars. Um, you wouldn’t know where I could pick up a nice young, er, um, never mind.”