Insisting that the Christian Right were getting it all wrong, God today issued more commandments in an effort to get the people who claim to be his most vociferous devotees on the proper path.
In addition to asking them to think more deeply about the original ten, God has issued five new commandments for general consumption and a further five directed at Roy Moore and his most ardent supporters – bringing the new total to twenty.
The new commandments follow, along with annotations by Jesus for clarity (^ denotes Roy Moore specific commandment):
11 Thou Shalt Not Use Mega Churches As Tax Avoidance Schemes
12 Thou Shalt Not Turn Away Destitute Flood Victims Because They Didn’t Tithe Enough*
*Someone make sure Joel Osteen sees this.
13 Thou Shalt Not Work To Deny Half My Flock Gender-Specific Healthcare
14 Thou Shalt Not Use Bible Verse To Say Women Should Submit To Men**
**I’m Looking down on YOU Kirk Cameron. Remember that the Bible also has lots to say about how to treat your slaves. SLAVES!
15 Thou Shalt Not Shield Pedophiles Hiding Out As Clergy***
***Can’t believe this one had to be codified. smh
16^ Thou Shalt Not Pursue Underage Girls At The Mall
17^ Thou Shalt Not Call Schoolchildren Out Of Class To Pressure Them To “Date” You
18^ Thou Shalt Not Keep Installing My Commandants In Inappropriate Locations As That Doesn’t Help Anyone, Especially Me
19^ Thou Shalt Not Make Yourself Out As The Real Victim Here On The Sean Hannity Show
20^ Thou Shalt Not Keep Saying 9/11 Happened Because People Didn’t Worship Me Enough****
****Seriously, stop doing that or there’s a lightening bolt coming your way.