God Tells Republican Candidates To Run Their Own Damn Campaigns

In an uncharacteristically angry revelation to the Chairman of the GOP, God has let it be known that it’s time for the Republican Party and their candidates to start doing their own heavy lifting on the issues instead of making lazy appeals to the divine.

Though the deity has reportedly been angry for some time about this, the deluge of calls for prayer instead of confronting issues of policy after the San Bernardino massacre was apparently the last straw.

“I’ve had enough of these freeloading Republicans clearing their desks by dumping everything on my desk.”

God suggests they look to the example of upstart Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who takes the trouble of always formulating his own opinion on difficult subjects, instead of constantly appealing to God for answers.

“It’s almost like I don’t exist to him.”

God is said to be particularly irritated with Marco Rubio for suggesting that if climate change happens, it’s because it’s God’s will.

“You make a mess and expect someone else to clean it up? I’m sure your parents taught you better than that.”

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