With mass shootings becoming routine to the point of seeming mundane, the NRA has reiterated its stance that the best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun. This has turned the focus onto all those good guys with guns, who yet again have failed to prevent a national tragedy.

But they insist it’s not their fault, and vowed to prevent the mass shootings just as soon as they start getting sufficient advance notice from the various psychopaths, ideologues, and disgruntled employees who are committing them. When asked how much notice they require, the nation’s good guys with guns say 24 hours should be enough.

“There are quite a lot of us all over the country so a day should be enough time to arrange babysitting and get to the place where the mass shooting is scheduled to occur.”

They also point out its critical that the prospective mass shooter leaves clear instructions on how to recognize him or her, or if there’ll be more than one shooter (in which case could they kindly indicate how many). They suggest the shooter(s) wear bright distinctive clothing, and it would be really good if they had those tall flags tour guides use for easy identification.

“But please – no camo gear or orange because we like to wear that. And definitely no body armor because that makes it really difficult to take you out first.”

They also request that the shooters don’t start shooting straight away, since, even with all the advance notice, the good guys with guns still need extra time. This, they explain, is because they have to shoot particular individuals with pinpoint accuracy, whereas the mass shooters merely have to splatter fire randomly at the scores of soft targets around them.

“Also, we ask that they face us instead of standing sideways so that they present a bigger target. And please don’t stand near anyone else, or in front of or behind anyone who might get hit because they’re in the line of fire. Ensuring you are in a well lit area so we can see you is also very important.”

The good guys with guns wish to assure the rest of us that, as long as these requests are followed to the letter, they will be able to prevent mass shootings just like the NRA suggests.

“That way there’ll be no need to adopt the other solution, which is to stop flooding the country with rapid fire weapons.”