Google Maps Updates Pittsburgh Directions Algorithm To Use More Defunct Landmarks

(Bakery Sq, Pittsburgh, PA) Google Maps have announced a complete revision of their algorithm for producing directions that will apply specifically to the Pittsburgh area. This is reportedly a direct result of feedback received through their campus in the East End of the city.

“We were getting complaints that our directions involved far too many current street names and precise distances, and not nearly enough references to obsolete George Aiken chicken restaurants.”
 
Those seeking to find their way around the downtown area will now instead receive instructions based on how near their destination is to the old Kaufmanns/Hornes/Bank-that-was-a-Lord-and-Taylors-for-a-while/Place-that-used-to-be-the-National-Record-Mart-but-is-now-something-else.
 
Directions for destinations in the Hill District will now focus on using the former famous landmarks such as the Crawford Grill, and the homes of private individuals, as well as certain private individuals themselves who in some cases may also function as landmarks.
 
There will also be an option for navigating through the Saw-Sah (South Side) using entirely bar-based directions if desired.

In all cases navigation devices will emit a loud piecing noise whenever any tunnel or bridge is being approached, in order to allow Pittsburghers to mentally prepare themselves in advance.

9 Comments on "Google Maps Updates Pittsburgh Directions Algorithm To Use More Defunct Landmarks"

  1. I have been living in Kansas for over 20 years now. I worry when I return to the burgh that I won’t remember how to get around. But, these are directions I totally understand. Love this.

  2. Don’t live in Pittsburgh anymore 🙁 but still give directions this way! Love it and love this site!

  3. Go dahn Allies Boowlavard and hang a right at Isley’s. Then go right and drive dahn ah dat place where Big Ben almost bought it.

  4. I must admit that I still tell people to park in the Gimbel’s garage… 🙁

  5. AWW Crap I wanted it to be true

  6. Eileen Damico | July 19, 2017 at 6:11 pm | Reply

    Ha. Google would need to hire me!!
    “Keep going all the way dahn past da dough boy. About 10 minutes. Keep going past where Ol’ Paski’s was. Go past where the Stanley used to be. Hang a Louie at da ol’ Hornes store. If the river is in front of you, you went the wrong way. Make a U-ey. Go about another minute back the other way. You can usually park in front of where George Aikens used to be.”

    Obviously these are directions from Lawrenceville to Market Square!!!

  7. “Go kitty-corner ‘cross da street at Horne’s”

  8. What about warning us when we’re about to cross a river so that we have enough time to “TURN BACK NOW!!!”

  9. Beth Mattson-Hinzelin | February 24, 2017 at 1:44 am | Reply

    This is absolutely hysterical. Thanks a mil!!

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