The candidates who will take the stage for the next GOP debate face the daunting task of coming up with even crazier shit than the crazy shit they’ve already come up with so far. Some of their advisors suggested coming up with some sensible shit instead, but they were quickly educated on why not coming up with crazy shit was out of the question.
“We’re Republicans. Crazy shit is expected.”
There were clear signs of strain, though, as even routinely crazy candidates are now struggling to top themselves in the crazy stakes week after week. The exhaustion was very clear on Donald Trump’s face, who in a moment of self-reflection – quite possibly for the first time in his life – had this to say.
“Being this nuts can actually be quite draining.”
He admits he may have pushed too hard too quickly given the length of the electoral season.
“Why did I have to come out of the gate so fast? I’ve already floated a Starbucks boycott and banning all muslims. Now I have to come up with something that makes that look sane by comparison.”
Other candidates reported similar experiences, except for one – Ben Carson. His crazy shit highpoint was arguably when he opined that Pyramids are not tombs for the Pharaohs, as every archaeological authority maintains, but were instead build to store grain – a theory he came up with all by himself for who knows what reason.
When it’s put to Carson that it might be difficult for him to keep outdoing his own outrageousness, he doesn’t buy it.
“I don’t see what the problem is. Perhaps tonight I’ll propose live burial for store clerks who don’t wish people a Merry Christmas. See? Easy as pie.”