In a measure of his displeasure with the recent CNBC debate, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus effectively cut ties with NBC with a letter explaining that he would be looking for a different forum going forward, specifically one that wouldn’t pervert the process with demands for things like factual answers to questions.
“The GOP cannot abide these despicable ‘gotcha!’ tactics.”
Since then, the ABC network has stepped in with a proposal that Priebus readily warmed to – a debate modeled on their popular prime time show ‘Shark Tank’, where often wacky and deluded inventors pitch their products and business plans to a panel of extremely wealthy venture capitalists.
“Why not have a debate in a fun format where the candidates appeal directly to the people that matter – the major donors?”
A deal was swiftly reached which will see series regulars Mark Cuban and home shopping tycoon Lori Greiner join Sheldon Adelson and both Koch brothers to hear the Republican hopefuls pitch on why they should be handed the nomination.
“Just like in the weekly show, the aspiring Presidential Candidates will have to convince the Sharks that their investments in them will be repaid many times over once they take office.”
Ben Carson is rumored to be delighted, since, even if they don’t like his Presidential presentation, he has some cancer remedies he’d love to start selling on QVC.
“It’ll cure you or your money back. Unless you’re dead, because refunds are non-transferable.”
Whereas Jeb Bush seemed ever more confused with the latest switch up, Marco Rubio is excited to get going as believes he has a winning formula to come out on top.
“I’m simply going to tell them that I have the looks and the composure to win with their money behind me, and that in return I will be their bitch.”
Donald Trump is also relishing the challenge.
“I’m looking forward to being reunited with Mark Burnett and it will be fun to be on the other side for a change. It’s also given me a great idea for when I’m elected President – I’m going to select all my cabinet appointees on a special series of The Apprentice.”
The second-tier candidates will not be part of the Shark Tank debate, but, in a conciliatory gesture towards NBC, they will get their chance to plead for a campaign donation from Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton on a special episode of ‘The Voice’.
“These are exactly the type of long-shot no-hopers we’re used to on ‘The Voice’, so it’s a perfect fit.”
Rick Santorum questioned whether Aguilera and Shelton were politically knowledgeable enough to judge policy platforms, and was said to be dismayed at the response he received.
“No, Rick, you have to sing.”