There were heavy vibrations and thunderous noises in the hallways of America’s public schools today as the huge number of grizzlies and other species of bear known to frequent their classrooms took to surrounding hills and woodlands.
This was reportedly prompted by the confirmation of Betsy DeVos as education secretary, who has suggested guns be allowed in schools, citing grizzly bears in the classroom as the reason.
Unbeknownst to the public, this is a major problem all across America and not just isolated to a few places like Alaska and Wyoming, so a comprehensive guns-in-schools policy is warranted.
The development is a shame say educators because – though some bears were undoubtedly there hoping to eat small children – the vast majority simply sought to improve themselves through learning.
“What we should be doing instead of this draconian policy of bringing guns into public schools is developing a proper vetting program for bears who wish to attend.”
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Don’t forget the Drop Bears in Australia!
Oh of course. They aren’t falling from the trees to eat you, they’re simply trying to catch a ride to school!
North Carolina Legislature has recently offered up a bill that states BiPolar Bears may only sh*t in the woods… designated to their gender of birth.
Read and enjoyed. Sending it to my “bearman” son of Montana.
Bless the Americans. They do not know what they do.
I think the parents and the bears should build a wall around the Beltway and protect the students and us all from the wildlife from Washington.
I apologise but I am not an American. What is a Trump or a Betsy? Are they cartoon characters or are they colloquial names for diseases? What is wrong with using Russian bears? Wouldn’t they be better at protecting Americans from folk with guns? Could the Americans not just get bears from Russia? I am sure Mr Putin would oblige. He has more bears than America. American bears are big but not as big as Russian bears. Mind you Mexicans don’t have many bears and they manage alright keeping guns out of classrooms. Mind you, again, they don’t manage to keep Americans out of Mexico. Cuba also seems to have problems keeping Americans out of their country. In fact most countries don’t manage to keep Americans out although North Korea seems to be managing their American illegal entries. Maybe they have learned something from the Vietnamese? Oh well nice taking to all you wunnerfool people. May your good god go with you.
At least the bears showed “growth”.
Betsy is one crazy bitch just like her half sister Sarah Palin.
The grizzlies brought this on themselves. Had they packed the mall during the inauguration, maybe they’d have gotten let off the hook, but no, their hibernation just couldn’t be interrupted. Lazy bears.
We have forgotten the GREAT RUSSIAN BEAR, but he is our tweet pal now, even though he eats neighboring countries. Maybe Betsy will say how dangerous that type is. Or maybe she wont?
Grizzly bears, grizzly bears, what do you see? We see Devos and NRA looking at me.
She probably never had a “teddy” bear ….and she forgot another bear , look “there’s a bear in the air” …
No one mentioned the pandas. They’re bears too. But they never attack people. Nice friendly bears.
Oh no! We will have students identifying as bears and then demand their own restrooms. They’ll just have to go in the woods behind a tree.
Mark my word. This is only the beginning of a very serious national security problem. We must ask that the very pro-active president immediately enact an executive order to ban the immigration of all types of bears from the seven most notorious bearing countries – Canada, Mexico, Russia, China, Peru, Bulgaria, and the United States (oops). If the courts try to block his executive order it will be imperative that he call out the military to protect our schools. If this doesn’t happen and happen soon we will be in serious danger of the greatest national security risk in history – an educated population of bears. What could be more dangerous to our God given values? And then they might figure out that it would be great to invite Betsy DeVos for dinner.
Judging from the comments most only got the soundbites from the hearing and don’t quite understand the context. Devos did not even say schools should have guns to protect against bears. She said the matter should be left to the states to decide. Imagine that…applying the correct procedures for each specific circumstance. Just like she feels about education. Tailor the curriculum to the child’s needs to be determined by the states and not let the federal government decide. But really, I think she takes this view so her family can profit from her positions. Watch and make your own decision…or continue to let the media make up your mind for you.
The good news about the media is that her words are recorded and freely available – She said that guns are probably at a school in Wyoming to protect against potential grizzlies. The problem is that she showed that she can’t even answer an obvious question about gun violence without diverting it to a red herring. How someone with absolutely no educational background was confirmed by the senate is insane. It’s like confirming a door-to-door fish oil salesman to be surgeon general or a businessman with numerous business failures and no political experience be president.
Lighten up, Arc. You’re bear-ly making sense within the context of this thread!
The public has been so dumbed down,for cohesion, some semblance of uniformity the Feds have dictated educational standards. ALL OF which has been a downward trend, much worse when the state’s take over because of the lack of “funding “. State’s have no funding and with less federal funding, children will suffer…but let’s spend more on walls,military and every weekend at MarLago by the POTUS!
I wish I was genuinely witty like most responders. Excellent humor!
Whoever did this is a a genius! So good to laugh during these dark days with this jokester
Who ever did this is a genius!!!!!! So good to be able to laugh During these days of this jokester!!!
It’s hard to bear these snarky, sometimes nasty comments. It’s a humor site!
The best entertainment I’ve seen all day. Thank you all for the non stop laughter.
They’ll be allowed back into the schools as long as they’re bearing one of Betsy’s school vouchers!
I just wanna know which bathrooms the bears use?
They are required to hold it all day. As we’ve heard in jokes for most of our lives, bears go to the bathroom in the woods.
Actually , I think a couple of those first comments were written by bears.It was the spelling that gave it away, no thumbs…
Only the space bar is pressed with a thumb. Any other finger/claw can be used. The posts by bears had no misspelled words. They’ve been to school, or haven’t you been paying attention?
I had heard that all the bears were being rounded up and put behind the wall once it is built. Good solution, don’t you think?
it is winter. I think a lot of the bears will sleep through it
Hopefully the teacher’s union won’t be far behind!
NEXT TIME be FUNNY or CLEVER ‘cuz clearly you can’t do both…or one at a time; sry facts
Love this ! Very clever!
We have a bear in our development- he eats bird seed- barely enough- must send him to school for better food!
Bear faced alternative facts
Dem bears… dey be all like cash me ousside. Howbow dat?
This is the first time I’ve experienced the Breaking Burgh site, and I love it. Almost as amusing as the posted items are the replies from folks who take the satire as an attac (sic) on their sacred cows.
Sacred bears, Roger, Get your alt-facts straight. LOL
my goodness, this is funnier than Onion.
“Smarter than the aver-age bear”
Waiting for PETA to claim their
Right to arm bears!
January 20: Betsy DeVos, Grizzly Fighter
During her confirmation hearing, education secretary nominee Betsy DeVos was asked whether schools should be able to have guns on their campuses. As NBC News reported, DeVos felt it was “best left to locales and states to decide.” She pointed out that one school in Wyoming had a fence around it to protect the students from wildlife. “I would imagine,” she said, “that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies.”
This was an utterly noncontroversial stance to take. DeVos was simply pointing out that different states and localities have different needs, and attempting to mandate a nationwide one-size-fits-all policy for every American school is imprudent.
How did the media run with it? By lying through their teeth. “Betsy DeVos Says Guns Should Be Allowed in Schools. They Might Be Needed to Shoot Grizzlies” (Slate). “Betsy DeVos: Schools May Need Guns to Fight Off Bears” (The Daily Beast). “Citing grizzlies, education nominee says states should determine school gun policies” (CNN). “Betsy DeVos says guns in schools may be necessary to protect students from grizzly bears” (ThinkProgress.) “Betsy DeVos says guns shouldn’t be banned in schools … because grizzly bears” (Vox). “Betsy DeVos tells Senate hearing she supports guns in schools because of grizzly bears” (The Week). “Trump’s Education Pick Cites ‘Potential Grizzlies’ As A Reason To Have Guns In Schools” (BuzzFeed).
The intellectual dishonesty at play here is hard to overstate. DeVos never said or even intimated that every American school or even very many of them might need to shoot bears. She merely used one school as an example of the necessity of federalism and as-local-as-possible control of the education system.
Rather than report accurately on her stance, these media outlets created a fake news event to smear a reasonable woman’s perfectly reasonable opinion.
Actually, the Daily Show contacted the school she mentioned and guess what?! They responded that they did NOT have any guns at school, they rely on a fence and bear spray.
soo….they do have a bear problem….
First of all, this site is satire, and by and large, the responses have also been just that. It just points out the absurdity of her comment in the context of her confirmation hearing.
I haven’t figured out what a “potential Grizzly is.
In the event that the top grizzly cannot fulfill his duties, the potential grizzly steps in.
True story – I once worked for a major Canadian newspaper. A boy in a small town in northern Ontario had a paper route, about 18 copies. He couldn’t deliver his papers for three days one week. The reason? A polar bear was wandering the village and it wasn’t safe for him to be out on the streets that early in the day.
So DeVos isn’t out to lunch on this one – but the media has certainly lied and misdirected people, hasn’t it? I believe President Trump commented on that…maybe he has a point, ya think?
Bare arms. Take your shirt off.
What happens if the bears bring guns to school also? At least we know they would be a Paw shot.
The second amendment protects my right to keep and arm bears.
HOME SCHOOL!!! The only thing that will save our children from Bears and Betsy!
Home schooling is not an option for everyone. Some people are not gifted with the ability to teach, others need to work out of the home. Public education is the only choice for many families.
The day I have to carry a gun in school is the day stop teaching.
What a bunch of pussies
Are you suggesting that the answer to the threat of bears is a multitude of cats??
…AAAAANNNDD here come the animal activists!
of course, an exception will be made for service bears…
Maid service bears work at hotels, not schools.
C’mon, people. The post by SHARON SAVITSKI is obviously a put-on, meant to bait the knee-jerk reactions that it indeed got.
From the article, I am under the impression that the problem is not with the bears being in the schools. The problem is the bears that want to eat the children. We need the communities, and possibly Jamie Oliver, to unite and get the National School Lunch Program to make changes. In my opinion, the current nutritional standards do not work for bears. Schools should serve more fish, berries, and natural sweeteners like honey.
Now that’s thinking outside the box.
And serve it all up in a lovely picinick basket, ehhh BooBoo?
Change subject: if trump builds a wall. How are all the illegal children going to get in public schools and our children learn nothing while all the teachers are teaching Mexicans English? No wonder my kids are depressed. Illegals are more important than tax payers children. They get free food too. I won’t go on and say what I think we outta do with a bear in school in texas! (Mexican food?)
Light one up, Billy, …er lighten up, Billy.
follows spelling examples set by trump whitehouse
Remember back when Mary brought her little lamb to school and it was against the rules
Dear Betsy….you are living proof that money can’t buy brains.
Thank you! I needed this humor….and the comments are priceless!
You can’t use moose as comfort animals. They carry ticks which are more deadly than bears.
Not all bears a terrorist!
Help us keep teachers and students prepared for ALL situations: https://grizzlyfreeschools.com/
“I pay taxes for news schools in my county . . .” Er, what? “According to here it did not matter . . .” Could you run that one by me again?
“So since Pre-K I work two jobs to keep her out of public school!” Keeping that teacher out of public school may be a good cause, but isn’t working two jobs a little extreme?
“So since Pre-K I work two jobs . . .” Isn’t child labor illegal?
Absolutely incredible response. I can’t stop laughing. Thanks for making my day.
I support every American’s Right to Arm Bears!
Dare to Bear!
Oh no, those bears were comfort animals that students could pet when they got upset. I guess we will have to start using moose instead.
But you gotta watch out for radical moose lambs
I can’t BEAR to read this. We need an investigation using only the BEAR facts. Grrrrr…!
Bears have killed more people than terrorists in the past 20 years. (ref Wiki)
We need a ban on bears entering the classroom until our country’s representatives can figure out what the hell is going on
I thought being Bare was frowned upon in public schools….
I can’t bear this…
It’s the right of all Americans to arm bears.
I haven’t laughed this hard since the election! ????
Its also their right to bare arms! lol
bare arms left the White House on January 20
As a public school, isn’t it the law that no student can be denied access. So what if it’s a bear and may possibly cause harm to the other citizens attending the school or teaching there. Not all bears mean to cause harm. So unAmerican! ?
That was Mary and her little lamb, which was also against the rules.
The struggle is real!
Wow! Good to see that you Americans can still find humour in life when you are faced with weirdos in your government positions. Most of us in the rest of the world were shocked to learn that Betsy succeeded in the nomination. Our bears up here in northern Canada have higher IQs than her.
Oh, your comment is hilarious! Thank you.
…higher IQs than she.
…higher IQs than she, as in ‘higher IQs than she does. Get it right, or don’t criticize. And if you want to criticize, start with the BS that our cute head of hair in Ottawa is screwing up.
I pay taxes for news schools in my county every year and I send my child to a private school……. Before my daughter was old enough to go to school a friend of ours pulled her boys from the public schools when a teacher did not know the difference between weather and whether! According to here it did not matter “weather” the example for Weather was “I don’t know weather or not you have the correct answer.”
So since Pre-K I work two jobs to keep her out of public school!
I am so happy that you were able to find a place where teachers never make spelling mistakes. They should be absolutely perfect after all. I think you meant her not here. Also, it is always best to make judgements by what happens to other people, blindly believe them, and change your whole life. Maybe you could have worked less and volunteered in your child’s class. Glad you are happy with your decision.
You’re joking aren’t you Jennie? I mean, expecting teachers to be able to spell basic words and use them in the appropriate places, how much do we expect of these people?
Let me tell you – as a substitute teacher working in a new school, I once found an English exam in which the teacher had made several serious grammatical mistakes. This teacher was unable to write proper English herself – how could she possibly teach it?
And then people like you wonder why the rest of us are fed up? The kind of error mentioned above is a grade 5 or 6 mistake, it shouldn’t be something a teacher gets wrong.
Maybe that teacher was using your spell check! If not, how the hell did you know whether she was right or not?
“According to here”? Ah, the irony.
sent my kids to private school too when I was at the school one day during the “between classes” time and heard more swearing in those middle school halls than on the waterfront. The vice principal said that “we have to take all of them” when I voiced a complaint. Paid taxes, paid tuition, paid for all the extra stuff at school, chauffeured them back and forth every day in a ten year old car. BUT they are both professionals. WORTH IT!
As a former educator, I recommend sacrificing students based on teacher submissions as a method of saving the bears and harming fewer students.
Betsy DeVos–a truly unbearable Secreary of Education!
what a wonderful choice of words –
What we should do is build a stronger school where the bears cant get in. Showing me a picture isnt telling me this is true. You could of made up the picture. How about a video but that might not work either because maybe fake. Building a bran new stronger school would be the only option. How the hell do the bears get in??? that is how you solve a problem. Not by allowing guns. Find the problem in the school and fix it it, if you cant fix it build a new school. PROBLEM SOLVED. I am a teachers assistance and work with kids and went back to school to get my teaching degree.
Maybe build a bearproof wall around the school,Sharon?
And make the bears pay for it!!
“Could of”, A “Bran” new stronger school, they could just eat their way in. And you are a “teachers assistance”? This explains oh so much!
If you are a teaching assistant and going back for a teaching degree it is no wonder why our children do not know how to spell, use proper grammar or punctuation. Please learn to review your post before publishing.
You are criticizing another for not following grammar rules. How about punctuation? You should have put a comma after the word “degree”…just saying….
Especially the grizzled ones…my God, some of you fools actually believe this cupid stunt!
oh sweetheart, you are a teacher’s assistant. Teacher’s ASSISTANCE is the kind of help that a teacher gets – not the person.
You are a teacher’s assistant and went back to school to get your teaching degree? Did you take any English grammar and spelling classes?
The woman is as insane as Trump – God help us and help our children from these menaces in Washington DC. They’re so greedy, so crooked, so dishonest and horrible.
There are millions of us – for God’s sake, let’s get together and do something.
So what I hear you saying is… The new regime in Washington is just like the last one. Thanks for making that clear.
Ha! That’s what I was gonna say!
There has NEVER been a “regime” like this one in Washington, God willing, this one will be short lived…..
What pray tell god are you speaking of or to?
Can grizzles enroll in charter schools or will Betsy shoot them, — or worse, Convert Them?!!
Better question. Will they be able to get vouchers to attend private schools?
Made me shoot a little coffee through my nose.
Oh this is beautiful satire! Love it!!
or maybe stopping another columbine…naivety is foolish.
As a Montanan I totally realize how important it is to have educated bears. To do any different would be unbearable.
The bears are likely as terrified as the rest of us. Get ready for the most vulnerable to be marginalized even more than they already are.
This seems like an anthropocentric(k) projection. I for one cannot imagine my fellow bears being more terrified than we humanoids are right now.
What. Bears open doors. How do the bears get in??
they push the handicap buttons with their noses!!
Thanks for helping me out with that.
You all are sooo funny!
now we are gong to have to request funds for smaller handicapped buttons . . .
Best fake news ever!
Actually we here in Michigan find that black bears are really the problem. Maybe Betts embellished her story a bit? Next we will go after the skunks that set up winter quarters under the portable classrooms that some districts are forced to use because of overcrowding? (true story they sprayed when the kids came in and made noise!)
It is truely a sad day for American children and for the country aas a whole. When the majority of Americans speak and are not listened to it’s time to hit the streets. We cannot let this buying of American positions continue. This is not a democracy and we are upset!
Actually, you are correct. We don’t live in a Democracy. We live in a Republic! A Republic protects the people from the majority.
Hit the streets if you must but don’t block my car on the road or you might get run over!
OMG, I really don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this! Next thing you know, we’ll be setting gator traps in Florida schools to catch gators!
What has the United States come to?
Obviously Polar Bears will have an genetic advantage over Black ,Grizzle and Brown Bears!
Great comment! ROFLMAO
Yes, institutionalized bear white supremacy will cause polar bears to be disciplined and expelled in smaller proportions than bears of color – and a good thing, since melting ice is rendering them homeless. McKinney-Vento will help them, eliminating needless paperwork in getting enrolled.
And if they are homeless, they will be migrating south for the winter – Florida and Phoenix tends to be the white bear’s choice
Only against a white board
What about bi-polar bears?
Yes. What about them?
I don’t care which side of the aisle you are on… this is hilarious!
Yep, I knew something like this was going to happen.
OMG!!!!!! I HAVEN’T LAUGHED THIS HARD SINCE WEEPING, HAIR PULLING AND KNASHING OF TEETH ON 11/8/16!!
Rofl this is perfect
If teachers and school officials were able to educate themselves on firearms, school shootings would be a lot more rare and less deadly.
So, you would have a teacher shoot a student who comes to school with a gun?!
If that student is a threat to others or the tracher yes the teacher has every right to protect themselves and the other students.
Hahaha… you’re as funny as this article!
Well even a D student would know to shoot the teacher first. Then what? The answer in this case would be to prevent bullying. Children should be taught not to follow Mr. Trumps example for one thing.
But BS is so much fun.
A good teacher would have a near impossible time killing one of their students even if it is to save the rest. It is just one step below killing one of your children to save the rest of your family. Possible but life wrenching. I say this as a teacher who loved both the bullied as well as the bullies.
Agree! Unless you are a teacher you have no idea what it is like to be responsible for the lives of someone else’s children. I once stayed awake at night worrying if I was meeting the academic needs of my students. These days I can’t sleep because I’m trying to figure out how to hide / protect my students from a shooter!
or maybe males can find a way to cope vs not being able to cope. It would seem like it isn’t the schools that are the problem. It’s weak males that can’t seem to get a grip.
Not to mention that there are around 50,000 K-12 schools in America. In 2015 there were around 50 school shootings. That mean on average your school has a .001 chance of being attacked. Any attack is senseless and horrible. But thinking there’s an epidemic where all 50,000 schools have to be armed is not that different from worrying about a bear attack happening at your kids middle school. Get your crap together feeble minded males. And maybe you can help our country feel a little less afraid of everything.
Why does the responsibility to protect fall on the males? I am a female veteran. I promise, ovaries do not disqualify you from being a protector! I would put my life on the line for another in a heartbeat!
Go, Ronda. I get that!
And there would be zero accidental shootings, because no curious child would ever be able to get their hands on one of the guns that teachers would need easy access to, to prevent a school shooting.
I think people are missing the point or completely forgetting that officer’s have already been placed on some campuses. A child should never fear going to school it’s sad enough that so many school aged kids go to school to escape violence just to feel some kind of calm and I know because I was one of those kids. A great idea would be to hire our veterans to protect our children and staff at the schools.
A bear hunter would tell you that it takes a very powerful penetrating bullet to take down a grizzly. Anything less would simply anger the bear and cause him to attac.
Somehow appropriate: http://attac-fl.com/
I believe you mean “attak.”
Actually it would be Attack but still gets the point across LOL
Since we’re talking about guns, maybe he meant “ack ack.”
A bear ate him before he could push the letter k
They really need to be in the skools too learn hoa to spel?
The Grizzly Bears are seeking asylum in Bowling Green. (Neither Betsy nor Kellyanne are ever going to live this down. 🙂 )
Are they plotting a berrorist attack?!?! Bwahahaha!
OMG YOU WIN THE INTERNET TODAY!
This is happening in all 57 states so don’t think it is just Alaska and Wyoming where the bears are causing trouble
Barry. My man.
Bears’ lives matter!
Agreed! AND they were showing unprecedented gains in grammar and composition. This is a travesty.
Are we talking about Black Bears or Brown Bears…All Bears Matter!!! 🙂
Polar bears are the real victims! Those black bears bring it on themselves by being near campgrounds
Thank you for this. Satire is the only thing getting me through these dark days.
I feel exactly the same way. This craziness couldn’t happen. And now we’re getting it double shot gun. Satire helps tremendously haha
I guess this is one more reason my nieces and nephews can add to their reasons why they choose to be homeschooled over going to a public school. Today several students including my son did not go to school today due to a student threatening to shoot up the place because of bullying. Well getting a gun in surely wouldn’t be a problem huh?
Get a grip. It’s a joke.
You are joking. I sincerely hope so,