[Pittsburgh, PA] For Immediate Release. The H. J. Heinz is pleased to announce the launch of two new ketchup lines to appeal to consumers in the 21st century. Company CEO Bernardo Hees says this is an important step to maintain the company’s legendary market share in the condiment sector.

“Today’s millennial and hipsters just aren’t going to be satisfied with your grandparents ketchup.”

Heinz’s new tomato ketchup offering, which is simply branded ‘H’, will be available only in special refillable gold-plated dispensers, with refills available in the bulk foods sections of major grocery stores stores and online after the initial purchase of the $49.99 pump action bottle.

“We realize that sounds like a lot but it’s only an upfront cost that will be recouped after consumption of five years worth of ketchup. We feel the elegant style of this approach which moves away from disposable bottles appeals to today’s environmentally conscious young consumers.”

Though there was initial talk of retaining the current bottles this was deemed too confusing and inefficient from a production point of view. They will be phased out by the end of the year, after which anyone wishing to have tomato based ketchup will need to purchase a ‘H’ dispenser.

Those with sensitive palates are warned to ease into the new ketchup as it spiciness has been upped considerably to made it competitive with the widely popular sirachi sauce that has been a favorite among the 20-34 demographic in recent years.

Also being released today is a highly traditional ketchup designed to appeal to hipster tastes. It harks back to ketchup’s roots as a fish-based sauce, and eschews tomatoes for mushrooms. The version on sale will be eventually sold as a Heinz product, but for now Heinz will be a distributor for Watkins Mushroom Ketchup in collaboration with an existing UK manufacturer.

Remember: if it’s not in a pump-action gold bottle or made with fish & mushrooms, it’s not Heinz ketchup.