Historical Treaty Discovered In Archive Makes Pittsburgh Part Of France

The legal status of the City of Pittsburgh has been turned on its head with the discovery of an agreement dating from the French Indian wars that was found in an archive at City County building during a spring clean today.

The treaty, concluded as a gesture of contrition by British forces for their illegal actions against the French, promises to grant French sovereignty over Fort Pitt/Fort Duquesne and ‘its surrounding community’ once the state of war between the nations is settled. The form of the document and the high ranking signatures on it means it had the full force of the British Crown behind it at the time.

Experts in International Law say this makes it binding on that government and any subsequent government that did not explicitly abrogate it.

“According to the Treaty of Vienna which is the basis for all international relations between sovereign nations, this agreement is binding on the United States. Pittsburgh is French, and always has been.”

Despite initial rhetoric from the White House that President Trump would refuse to recognize French sovereignty over Pennsylvania’s second largest metropolis, it has since quietened. This is no doubt because doing do would put all the international agreements the United States depends on at risk, including the ability to maintain hundreds of overseas military bases.

“Even this President realizes that’s not worth it just to keep Pittsburgh.”

Normally a situation such as this would quickly be resolved by arranging a large financial payment to buy the land out, however French President Emmanuel Macron said he is not inclined to agree.

I like Pittsburgh, and believe it will make a fine addition to our great Republic.”

As a sign of his determination, Macron is already taking steps to ensure a smooth transition to direct rule by Paris. Mayor Peduto has been made an officier d’état civil en France, and is being provided with free French lessons. Peduto reassured Pittsburghers they could be more leisurely about the process than he needs to be.

As a government official I must start speaking French straight away, but you may continue to speak as you wish. Je m’appelle Bill. Où est la salle de bains?”

Other changes expected to be put in place soon are single payer healthcare, 16 weeks maternity leave, and mandatory six weeks paid vacation for all full time workers.

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